Dating My Mother Page #2

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afford to exist.

Ah, I feel you.

My mom and the librarian

go way back, so...

Yeah, I've been interviewing

for weeks.

The grind is killing me.

Oh. Right. Hence the blazer.

I hate Skype interviews,

they're so awkward.

I'm better in the room,

you know?

Totes.

Uh, hey, I don't think

I have your number anymore.

Oh, yeah, um...

Oh.

[gasps]

[cooing]

Come here! Come here,

come here, come here.

[sneezes]

- [Lisa laughing]

- He's cute.

I don't mind

the Bermuda shorts.

- Hey, Lisa.

- Hey, honey.

What are you guys doing?

We are trying

to find your mother

a proper male escort.

- [Lisa giggling]

- Oh, my God.

She's a stalker.

She's literally found

their addresses.

Mm-hmm. Everything.

Their measurements...

[Danny] I don't doubt it.

[Joan]

Wait. Oh!

Now, he's cute.

He is foxy.

[Lisa]

Look, Joanie.

And he's a CEO.

- How do you know that?

- Hello.

Psychic and LinkedIn.

It's right there.

[Lisa]

Wait. Hold on. Let me just...

Oh, my God.

Is that his Facebook page?

Mm-hmm. And that's his...

wife? No, daughter.

Oh, God. I'm out.

No, honey, stay with us.

Drink with us.

- Hmm.

- Okay.

Mm-hmm. No.

No. One earring does not do it.

Do two or forget it. Next.

No. Bow tie. Go.

- He's cute. He's very cute.

- Hmm.

Oh, send him a message

or a poke or a prick.

[Joan laughs]

What do I say.

I don't know. I feel like

maybe you should just wait

for him to message you.

- [Lisa] Oh, wow!

- Play it cool.

Come on.

What happened

to Wild Lady Gaga Danny?

When did you become

Conservative Danny Duggart?

- [laughing]

- [Danny] I'm just saying.

I feel like straight people

are into gender roles

or whatever.

[Lisa] Well, I'm saying

break that rule,

break and bury

that outdated sexist rule,

and you are a catch,

and you should message him.

He'd be lucky to have you.

Isn't that right, Danny?

I mean, isn't your mom's hole

a total ace?

- Eww!

- [giggling] Lisa!

What? What?

I said she's...

- she's a ace in the hole.

- No.

You didn't say that though.

- That is not what you said.

- No.

- All right.

- Oh!

My hole is an ace.

[laughing]

[Lisa]

Totally.

Oh, God.

[coughs]

Oh, Lord almighty,

I've killed my bestie.

Are you okay?

Drink. Breathe. Breathe.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna do it!

Yeah. Hashtag feminism.

Exactly, hashtag feminism.

- I'm too old for this.

- No, you are not too old.

And old is good, by the way.

I love getting old.

The older you get, the less

and less you give a sh*t

about anyone or anything.

- Clearly.

- Mm-hmm.

All right, look at that.

"Nice to meet

your virtual acquaintance."

- Mom!

- What? I haven't met him yet.

You cannot say that.

Come on.

[keyboard clacking]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, you're good.

- It's good.

- I try.

- Yeah.

- [phone dings]

- Oh.

- Oh.

Somebody sexting you?

Come on.

[Lisa] Oh, look at that

little sly smirk.

- Hmm?

- [Joan sighs]

- Uh, is it a fella?

- A fella?

It's no one. He's from LA.

Oh, sorry.

Excuse me, California.

- Is it your ex?

- No.

No. It...

Okay, it's Khris.

- Khris? As in Khris Restrepo?

- Hmm.

But he was just at the party?

How could he be in Los Angeles?

Mom, I was lying.

Is he even gay, honey?

[Lisa]

It doesn't matter anymore?

As long as he has a huge dick?

[all laughing]

Amen.

[Joan]

Oh, my God.

[sighs]

- Lisa's a nutjob.

- [Joan] I know.

I love it.

She's already sent me

three Facebooks today.

- She's like a spy.

- Are you serious?

I think she's enjoying this

more than me even.

I mean, she has been married

to the same man for 30 years.

She's probably pretty bored.

[Joan] I suppose.

So, what are you doing today?

[woman on TV]

Big toes together.

Just a little bit of space

between your heels.

Lower your hips.

Lift your belly.

- Arms high...

- [dogs barking]

And then join your hands...

[barking, growling]

- What's up?

- Sorry!

There you are.

You're writing?

Barely.

I wanted to give

the b*tches some air.

Guess what?

I have a date tonight.

Oh, that's... that's great.

Uh, with the CEO?

Someone else.

That's exciting.

I'm freaking out.

What am I gonna wear?

I feel frumpy.

That's because

you wear loose things.

You gotta keep it tight.

Then he'll see my stomach.

Yeah, whatever.

[sighs]

Here, try this.

I'm so glad you're gay.

You know I don't like that.

- What?

- Stereotypes.

Well, if the heel fits.

I'll let you change.

What?

That was funny.

[TV playing indistinctly]

[sighs]

So?

Holy sh*t, you look

like a MILF.

- Really?

- Uh, like a classy one.

I regret calling you a MILF.

If for some reason I disappear,

his name is Chester Patterson,

and we're meeting at Brenda's,

so you can start

the search there.

Mom, I think if he was going

to murder you,

he'd use, like,

an alias or something.

Oh, my God, you're right.

- Oh, my God.

- You're gonna be fine.

Just go have fun.

Okay. Okay.

This is exciting.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

[door closes]

[sighs]

Uh, so who you buying weed from

in these parts?

Oh, dude, I don't even know.

This is from a homie at school.

I could hook you up

with someone though.

I mean, like,

he's kind of local.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I got into a really bad habit

of smoking, like, once a day.

Maybe twice.

- Three times, max.

- [chuckles]

- But... this is pretty dank.

- [chuckles]

Oh. It's all right.

Yo, where are your dogs?

I can't believe they're just,

like, cooped up in here all day.

I know. Uh, but I got like...

pretty allergic to them

when I went away.

[Khris]

Oh, dude, that sucks.

Yeah, I feel bad, but...

you know,

they're like rabid now.

[laughing]

Oh, man, I love playing

with dogs when I'm high.

Same.

Oh, yo, dude.

This is retro.

Uh, yeah.

Remember playing Battlefront,

like, all the time

in eight grade?

- It was so fire.

- Yeah.

Fire.

[chuckles]

So, "Star Wars" is what made me

wanna make movies

in the first place actually.

It's so cool that

you're doing that.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, hopefully,

one day it will be cool.

I feel like right now

I'm just, like... floundering.

Uh, but you're working

on something?

Yeah, uh, a spec.

It's a script.

Um, but hopefully that

plus the TV job will...

get me into a writer's room.

Yeah, that's sick.

Uh, what's your script about?

Oh, I don't actually like

to, like,

talk about it till I'm done.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

It's fine.

Yeah, it's a gay marriage movie

called "He Said Yes."

It's pretty stupid actually.

Nah, it's nice.

I don't even wanna get married.

Why not?

I don't know. I mean...

is it natural for two people

to wanna be together

for the rest of their life?

Oh, well, I mean,

my parents are still together.

Yours are an exception.

I mean, look, I don't know.

I... I guess I just feel guilty

that I don't wanna get married

now that we, like, can.

We fought so hard for it.

Now, I just feel, like, ambivalent

about the whole situation.

- Word.

- Yeah.

You know, it's really cool

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