Dating My Mother Page #3

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you came out, by the way.

[chuckles]

What?

No, no, it's, uh...

It's just a funny way

of putting it, but thank you.

I'm glad you think it's cool.

Uh...

[laughs]

Was I ever really in,

is my question.

[laughs]

You know,

that's so true, actually.

[door creaking]

Oh, hi, Khris.

Mrs. Wallace,

it's good to see you.

What have you guys been up to?

You're acting so weird.

What's...

Uh, I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

I'll see you.

So how was your date?

Marijuana under my roof?

Really?

Our roof?

Oh, are you paying rent now?

Do you want me to start?

Well, if you're gonna be

a bum, yeah.

I thought you came back to get

away from that sort of thing.

I know. I'm sorry.

But, like, you do know that

alcohol is much worse

for you, right?

- Oh, I don't believe that.

- Oh, Mom,

stop buying into this

Nancy Reagan bullshit

and read an article for once.

I read.

Marijuana's illegal, Daniel.

Not everywhere.

Well, you're not

in California anymore.

Yeah, no sh*t.

Why don't you air out

the living room.

I don't feel like smelling

your drugs.

We smoked outside.

Excuse me?

So the neighbors could see you?

No one saw us.

[chuckles]

What, would you rather

we smoke in my room?

Your room?

You know what, why don't you

sleep there tonight

if you're suddenly

such a badass.

What?

I mean, we should probably

get used to it anyway.

[scoffs] It's not normal.

What even is normal?

The patriarchy is normal.

And you know my mattress

hurts my back.

There's air freshener

under the sink.

I'm going to bed.

And he was really sweet.

You know? I had a good time.

So, we'll see.

[footsteps fading]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[phone beeps]

'Sup. You horny?

- Sure.

- [man] Any more pics?

Ugh!

[sighs]

[man scoffs]

I meant nudes, dude.

Yeah, I know.

[laughs]

- Nice.

- You like it?

Oh, yeah.

So, what do you want

to do to me?

F*** you.

- Hard.

- Oh, yeah?

- You wanna meet up.

- Ever tried poppers?

I actually don't know

what that is.

[man] Makes you loose.

Oh. Um... kinda sounds

like a lot.

It's cool.

I promise.

I don't even know who you are,

so... that could...

You're funny.

Man, I would f*** you so hard,

we won't even need a condom.

What?

Oh, God. Okay.

Seriously, I'm not gonna have

sex with you, okay.

But if you want a blowj*b,

let's meet up.

- That's it?

- Yes.

I don't even know

where you've been, man.

And honestly, I don't really

want to have sex right now.

I had a huge dinner.

Just a little ass play?

[sighs]

Okay.

Where do you want to meet?

Let me see that ass,

one more time.

- Ooh.

- [man] Bend over.

- What? Oh.

- Bend over.

[man moaning]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's,

like, a park around the corner

if you just wanna meet there.

Um...

F***ing son of a b*tch.

[Danny]

So what's this guy's name again?

Chester.

Hmm. Chester.

Yeah.

Isn't that like a dog's name?

Be nice.

He's nice.

He's nice.

So, guess it's back

to the web then.

What?

No.

Nice is good.

Why is nice bad?

I don't know.

I just feel like it's...

what you say when there's, like,

nothing really else to say.

Oh, no.

I think nice is good.

Nice and... sweet and fun.

Are you sure you're not, like...

settling?

I don't think so.

We were there

for almost an hour

before we even ordered.

Just talking.

He texted me good night, too.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So what's he do?

He's in plastics.

And before you call him a blood-sucking

demon, they're renewable.

They're made of corn.

Did you check his credentials?

- Lisa did.

- Hmm.

Oh, and he's an artist.

He plays guitar in a band.

Stop it.

What? I thought

you'd appreciate that.

I do. It's just... classic.

Anyway, I brought a bottle

of wine to dinner.

It's, you know, a BYOB place.

- The best.

- Hmm.

I didn't wanna take your red,

but all I had was

a giant magnum of Pinot.

- You didn't.

- I did.

But I left it in the car.

By the time I remembered,

we were on to dessert.

He said we'd have

to split the wine next time.

- Next time?

- Yeah.

- [phone chimes]

- Ooh, maybe that's him.

It is.

I sent him one of those picture

thingys a video picture.

- A GIF?

- Yeah.

Is that how it's pronounced?

No one really knows.

What are you doing?

Texting.

You can't respond right away.

You sent him three messages

in a row.

Mom, no.

What?

You gotta play the game.

Game? What game?

Chester doesn't think like that.

You went on, like,

a date with him.

How do you know

how he thinks?

[giggling]

Here, will you drive? I don't

want to text behind the wheel.

Sure.

[TV plays indistinctly]

What's another way

to say LOL?

Okay. I think you need

younger friends.

Aw! Joan, like, deserves it.

How did they meet?

[Danny]

Some dating site actually.

I was pretty sure, like, she

would meet some duds at first,

but she kinda hit the jackpot.

Good for her.

Those are, like,

really in right now.

- Yeah.

- I should make a profile.

Don't you have a boyfriend?

I mean, we're not, like,

exclusive or whatever.

Hmm. Right.

Bad girl

How's your job search going?

Or are you like even looking?

Kind of. I don't know.

I'm basically waiting around

for an email, so...

Well, did you, like,

follow up with them?

Of course.

I literally wrote them

a letter by hand.

- Wow.

- Hmm.

But that was

two weeks ago, so...

I don't know, I just

don't want to be annoying.

Danny, you need to take charge.

Sheryl Sandberg says

it's important to, like,

make yourself heard.

[Danny]

You working girl.

I'll draft you an email.

It's really okay.

No, seriously, it's like

the least I can do.

If I were you, I would die.

[horn blaring]

[laughing]

Come on.

[electronic dance music playing]

Now that we're together

Now that we're together

Now that we're together

Now that we're together

Now that we're together

I mean, it's a gay club.

Why do straight girls have

to come in and ruin it?

Girl, it's all about ratios.

A straight guy's got a

better chance getting laid here

than anywhere else.

- Raiders are gross.

- Girl.

No, I don't do tobacco.

What about crack?

Danger

- Hey.

- Hey.

Can we go?

Just... Just a few more minutes.

I start to feel electric

[horns honk]

Oh. Sorry.

- Hey, I'm Danny.

- Tsk!

Oh.

I like your profile.

[chuckles]

A masc for masc only.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, you looking

for a threesome?

Not... particularly.

Tease.

- Oh.

- [door closes]

[Joan] Danny...

I'd like you to meet Chester.

- Hey.

- Hey, nice to meet you.

Your mom's told me

a lot about you.

Likewise.

I mean, uh,

not a lot, but...

Yeah, hell with that.

I don't know

anything about you.

In fact, who are you?

Are you related?

[chuckles]

Depends on his mood actually.

- Cute.

- Hmm.

So, how was the city?

Uh, fine. Not too memorable.

How's Tanya doing?

Good. Um...

Well, she's kind of a c*nt.

- Daniel!

- Sorry, she is.

You just met him,

and you're saying that?

Sorry. I am, like,

a feminist...

Oh, it's fine.

Sailor talk's a full notch

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