Dating My Mother Page #4

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above small talk.

- Aargh.

- Aargh!

Wait, I said sailors,

not pirates.

What?

So what are you guys

doing today?

[laughing]

I know...

- Oh! Whoa!

- [laughing]

Easy does it.

- All right.

- All right?

Is that funny, too?

- [farts]

- Oh!

Oh, no!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh!

- Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you.

- Hi.

It's okay.

So, your mom says

you're quite the yogi.

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah?

- Hmm.

I tried yoga.

Once.

I could barely touch

my toes.

Same. Yeah. When I started.

It was the same for me, too.

Did you need something

in the kitchen?

No, I didn't, no.

I... Yeah, I mean,

yes, I did.

I... A towel.

Oh, yeah, totally.

- Well, we keep...

- Oh, here.

- Oh.

- Oh, sorry. No. This. Fine.

Hi, boys.

Hey.

We are thinking

about grilling later.

You want to join us?

Uh, actually, I have a date.

- Really?

- Yeah.

It's not a big deal.

I'm not that into him,

but he's cute, so...

Is he dark?

What?

However you would say it.

Ethnic or...

Mom.

What? You date darker guys.

Yeah, he's Filipino.

See, you have a type.

Okay, but I feel like having

a type is racist, okay?

Anyway,

I'm gonna go get ready.

Nice chat.

Hi. Um, it's under Wallace.

For two.

Sorry, I'm late.

Is he here?

When we were kids

We would run under

the sky was so blue

I couldn't keep

my eyes off of you

- Hey.

- I hurt my foot.

- What?

- I hurt my foot, so I can't come.

Sorry.

- Oh.

- That's S-R-Y.

Right.

Remember when

We would love blind living

Fell from the stars

[burps]

[sighs]

[woman on screen] Laura told me

you work in advertising.

How did you get into that?

[man] I graduated

with a degree in marketing.

Started working for my father's

company right outta college.

[woman] So that's how

you made the transition

from school mascot.

[growling]

- [laughing]

- [man] Ah.

That's one thing

I was hoping...

Oh, Danny.

[laughing]

How did it go?

It was good.

What's wrong?

Nothing. No...

I'm just, I'm just tired.

I'm fine.

- I'm fine.

- Mom.

[Joan sighs]

We were watching a movie...

Chester and I and...

I...

I mean, I was feeling...

good...

for the first time

in a long while.

I mean, really good.

And...

I just started thinking

about Daddy,

and I got so guilty.

I mean, that's his couch.

And Chester noticed and...

He noticed that

I was acting weird,

and I didn't know what to do

and I panicked and...

told him I was tired

and asked him to leave.

What?

I thought I was ready

to start dating again.

You know I'll never love anyone

as much as Daddy.

Right?

I know.

So, does this mean you don't

want to see Chester anymore?

I don't know.

I mean, no.

No, I'm just throwing myself

a little pity party.

Do you like him?

Yes. Yeah.

You know, it takes me a while

to warm up to anyone.

He's great.

He is great.

How was your date?

[softly]

It was good.

It was good.

Um...

He was nice.

Ah!

Nice.

[chuckles]

He paid, so...

Well, at least you went out.

Yeah.

How do you decide who pays?

I don't know.

It's not really assumed.

He offered, so...

Interesting.

Okay, Mom.

I'm gonna hit the hay.

I'll be up in a little bit.

Sleeping in my room now,

remember?

I know.

I was just saying.

Good.

[mutters]

Good.

[sighs]

[sighs]

- [TV playing indistinctly]

- [phone buzzing]

Yo.

[Danny on phone] Hey, I was

wondering if maybe you could,

um, send me the number of

that guy you were talking about.

Feeling a little blocked.

Uh, sorry, dude. Yeah.

My homie from school's

down the Shore, actually.

Oh.

Um, but there's actually

this other kid I know about.

Um, the only thing is

he's in high school.

- Ah...

- Friends with my little bro.

That's embarrassing.

Yeah.

That's Norman's house.

- Dude, my mom's here.

- What the f***?

- Yeah. Sorry.

- Jesus, man. F***in'...

Yeah.

- Yo.

- Dude, what the f***?

My mom's here.

I'd to run 'round the back.

Oh, sh*t.

So, are, are we trying

to drive away or...

No, man. It's totally chill.

I just don't want her watching.

For sure.

All right. Um, this is

my friend, Danny.

Danny, what's up, man?

Boom! Brap, brap, brap!

[mimicking explosion]

[laughing]

This guy's chill.

So, how much you want?

Oh, uh...

I don't know. I was thinking

maybe you could just

roll me, like, three joints.

You want me

to roll you three joints?

Yeah. I'm trying to cut back

- and don't have a bong at home.

- That sucks, man.

You could always make

an apple bong.

[chuckles]

And I'm not a child, so.

I was kidding.

[Norman] I used to blaze like

that every day in seventh grade.

Oh, do you have to, uh,

like, do that in here?

My mom has this really

heightened sense of smell.

Don't be such a p*ssy, dude.

That's, like, kind of sexist.

[snickers]

I love this guy.

"That's sexist."

So, how much?

[Norman]

Forty bucks.

Forty bucks for three joints?

[Norman]

That's fair.

I miss California.

I'm gonna go ahead

and put that on the list

of personal low points for me.

Dude, I know.

All the old dealers are

in rehab, but whatever.

This town's so f***ing dry.

How old is that kid?

Fifteen, I think.

Jesus.

You wanna get some food

or something?

Fine. I could actually go

for some diner food.

How many times

can I be high at the diner?

Oh, so is that a no?

- No. I'm down.

- Perf... [indistinct]

[phone chimes]

Oh, f***. That producer.

[Khris]

Producer?

Oh, that show.

[Khris]

Oh, what does it say?

[sighs]

[farting]

[sighs]

[phone chimes]

[groans]

These are due

in about two weeks,

and you can just leave that

in the box outside.

It's usually easier

than talking to people.

- Hey.

- Find everything okay?

Yeah, thanks.

[sighs]

Oh, wow.

- Thank you.

- Oh, of course.

I can tell you're so special.

Really?

Yes, you deserve to be happy.

- Rich.

- Thank you.

You should have got

that TV job?

- Right?

- You're so qualified.

Come to Los Angeles with me.

I'll give you all the money

that you need

to make your dreams come true.

That's...

Thank you.

But now, lean back.

Let me give you

the best blowj*b of your life.

I mean, okay.

Sorry.

Is everything all right?

You seem a little off today.

- I do?

- Yeah.

- I quit.

- What?

Oh, did you get that TV job?

Oh, that's great.

Your mom was telling me

how much you wanted that...

No, I didn't get the TV job.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. I'm moving back

to California.

You are?

- Yeah.

- [scoffs]

Yes.

Hey, this is Danny.

I don't know why I'm leaving

a voice mail,

but, um, I have, like,

a pretty crazy idea

so call me back.

[pop song playing on speakers]

- [humming along]

- [knocking on door]

[Joan]

Danny, can I come in?

One minute.

[music stops]

[blows]

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm going right back to work.

I just wanted to check in.

Uh-huh?

Um, I patched things up

with Chester.

I explained why I was

so weird the other night,

and... he said he's always here

if I need to talk.

That's sweet.

Why's that window open?

It's a nice day.

It's hot,

and you're burning candles?

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