Dating My Mother Page #5

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Mom, so this show

in New York's been staffed.

Oh, honey.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Um, because...

I think I'm gonna go back

to LA actually.

- You are?

- Yeah.

I mean, I've been getting

so anxious

to get back there,

and there's...

I mean, nothing here

for me so...

I mean, you're here, but...

[chuckles]

Right. Right.

And I've been looking

into couch-surfing

because I'm gonna be

road-tripping with Khris.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, I mean,

he's totally down,

and he's unemployed, too, so...

Hmm.

In whose car?

My car.

So I can have it out there.

- That's my car.

- [stammers]

Mom, it was my car

when I lived there,

and you need a car in LA.

Well, you can ask, you know.

Okay, can I have it?

Well, actually, I was thinking

about selling it.

Well, when were you

gonna tell me that?

[Joan sighs]

If you think this is

the best thing to do,

then I support you.

Always.

Thanks.

I mean emotionally.

I can't help you out there.

It's... It's too expensive. I...

I know, Mom.

Do you even have

a place to stay?

Yes, with Patricia,

like we discussed.

- Patricia?

- My college roommate.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

I'm gonna stay with her family

for a little bit

until we find a place.

Do you even have a job

out in California?

- No.

- Danny!

Mom, can you stop

pressuring me, okay.

I'm doing it enough myself.

I'll freelance,

I'll drive a f***ing Uber.

I don't care. Okay?

I have to go.

I am suffocating here.

I know.

I'm just gonna miss you.

Well, you can always move

out there with me.

[laughing]

There's a thought.

There better be no pot

on this trip, Daniel.

No pit stops in Colorado.

Mom, no.

Of course not.

[sighs]

[sobbing softly]

[doorbell ringing]

[sighs]

[doorbell continues ringing]

Where is your mother?

- Joanie?

- [door closes]

- Thank you. [sniffles]

- Yeah.

So, I'm on, um...

one of those dating sites.

Looking around

at the dating sites.

- For your mom.

- Right.

Kind of and, um...

I see a... profile,

and it looks familiar,

but it's fuzzy.

And so...

I click on it, and, uh...

it's Jeff.

And I'm not surprised

because he's a f***ing a**hole

and a pathological liar.

[Lisa sighs]

Do you have any idea

how many men have asked me out

and hit on me over the years?

Just guess.

- Guess.

- Um...

Say a number.

Fifteen.

A lot have.

And I, you know, of course

I never slept with them

because one of us

is a decent human being.

- Right?

- Totally.

And then you get f***ed

'cause he's a liar,

and people don't change.

I knew that.

Yeah, people don't change.

[Joan]

Lisa, everything okay?

[whispering] -Jeff's cheating on her.

- Oh, my God.

I know.

I gotta go.

I'm planning

things with Khris?

- Oh, okay.

- Good luck.

Yeah.

[sighs]

[Danny] Actually, we could do the

trip in, like, four or five days max.

Sounds dope.

And, like, I think

we could just drive

straight to the middle states,

you know.

I mean, I've been

to Kansas before,

and I don't really know what it

has to offer other than, like,

farmland and windmills.

I wanna see red rocks.

Colorado's the spot. We got

to crash there for a few days.

Yeah.

I've got

a few homies there, so...

You want a beer?

- Or wine?

- That.

Yeah. What, red or...

- Ideally, yeah.

- Yeah?

Actually, I could have a beer.

Yeah?

I mean, you have a lemon?

[chuckles]

I'm kidding.

- Oh, that's probably the dudes.

- [indistinct chattering]

The dudes?

- Yo, what's up?

- Yo!

Sorry, what are you guys

doing these days?

I hate this question,

but I literally have no idea.

Yeah, just working.

Really?

Yeah, I'm an analyst in iBank.

That's cool.

Yeah, I'm training.

I just started this week.

Congrats.

[TV playing indistinctly]

Danny, what do you do?

Oh, just some film stuff.

Uh, recently,

I just applied to this,

this TV job in the city,

but it didn't really

work out, so...

[man]

I'm commuting there now.

- It sucks.

- Oh, man. Don't get me started.

Yeah, but I can't afford to pay rent in the

city yet. The rent's f***ing ridiculous.

[man 2] Yeah, but it's such a long

drive, that's like a four-hour trek.

Yeah, long like my dick.

Can't believe all you guys

have jobs now.

Yeah, it's...

it's kinda what happens

after college, right?

[laughter]

Yeah, but I mean, like,

I don't have a job,

and you guys were all slackers

in high school, so...

[laughing]

Danny and I actually

are going on a road trip.

[man]

Oh, no sh*t. Where to?

L-f***ing-A.

- [man] Dude, that's sick.

- [Khris] Right?

[man 1] I just got back

from a road trip myself.

[man 2] Oh, yeah? From?

[man 1] Yeah, I hit up

all the national parks.

My dad and me,

we started down south

and then went all the way

up to Wyoming.

- We hiked, like, every day.

- [man 2] That's sweet.

[man 1] It really gave me

some perspective.

[sighs]

You are making an ass

out of yourself.

You need to just go home.

So, just go out there,

say you need to go.

And go.

Oh, they went to a party.

I just felt like staying in.

If that's cool with you?

Yeah. For sure.

I think my parents fell asleep.

You wanna smoke

in the hot tub?

Yeah.

So, have you ever been

to Los Angeles?

[groans]

Once.

I saw most of Hollywood,

the pier.

It was cool.

I just... I don't really know

if I could live there.

You know?

Yeah, there are so many

different neighborhoods.

It's hard to, like, get a feel

for it or whatever.

But we have to go

to Los Feliz.

There are so many

good brunch places

and so many good stores.

And then there's

the fiesta and...

Ahh! I'm getting so excited.

Sorry.

Yeah. No. Do not be sorry.

We're gonna remember

this trip for, like...

the rest of our lives.

You know that, right?

Like that time that we

road-tripped across the country.

- Right.

- [chuckles]

And I'm gonna stop smoking

when I get there.

I'm just gonna follow the dream.

We don't have to smoke

right now if you don't want to.

Oh, God, no.

We're in New Jersey.

What else is there to do?

Seriously.

You never really smoked

in high school.

Or drank, now that

I think of it.

Yeah, it's because

I was usually

pretty worried that I would

come out or something,

or I would say something,

like, super gay.

But it was never really

because I was above it

or whatever.

Wait, was it hard, like,

being in the closet for so long?

Uh... no. I mean...

not really.

I was always pretty secure.

Okay, that's not totally true.

I mean, middle school was hard.

But that's because everyone's

the worst in middle school.

I was the worst.

I f***ing hated my braces, man.

- [chuckles]

- And I wore so much Hollister.

Uhh! So much Hollister.

And the girls, the girls were

such b*tches in middle school.

God, can you imagine

being that age right now

with Instagram and Snapchat

and all that sh*t.

I mean, they're literally

competing for likes.

Yeah, but I bet the guys get

so many nudes now.

- I would have loved that.

- [both chuckle]

You were such a bur.

Yo, still am.

Yo, hold up. It's hot.

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