Dating My Mother Page #6

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[sighs]

Take it.

[splashes]

Oh, f***.

Whew!

- Yeah.

- [Khris chuckles]

Uh, where are you working out,

by the way?

I'm sorry, I've just been trying

to look for a place to go to

while I'm here...

No, man, you're fine.

You're fine.

[grunts] I really do gotta hit

up the gym again though soon.

I've been such

a lazy f***er lately.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Really? I mean, it kinda looks

like you do, so...

[chuckles]

Well, good, that's a relief

'cause all I f***ing do is eat.

Like, thank God

for my metabolism, right?

Yeah, well,

it will never be faster, so...

[both laughing]

Here. Sorry.

- Oh, sh*t. Danny.

- F***. Sorry.

- F***.

- Don't worry about it.

It's fine. Don't even worry...

Whoa!

Whoa, dude.

What?

Danny.

No.

- I'm not gay, man.

- No, I know.

I... Of course I know.

- Sorry.

- Danny.

I thought

we were friends, right?

No, we are.

We are friends.

[Khris] Dude...

Dude, Danny.

[Danny] I'm sorry.

Maybe I should go.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry. I...

I don't know why I did that.

I mean,

I f***ing hate gay guys

that do that sh*t

and now I'm one of them,

and I don't even like you. So...

I mean, I like you, but I don't,

like, like you like that.

And...

These pants are

so f***ing tight.

So...

[grunts]

F***!

Umm...

Yeah. Sorry.

- Are you... Are you... Can you drive?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah.

[alarm beeping]

[keypad beeping]

Danny? Oh, sorry. I...

What?

I just got off the phone

with Chester.

Guess what?

We said those

three little words.

"I love you."

I, of course, wish it wasn't

over the phone,

but I called him after Lisa left

and we got to talking,

and it just sort of happened.

Can you believe it?

I'm in love.

You don't look very happy.

Uh...

I mean...

you just met this guy.

We've been dating

for over a month.

Exactly.

[sighs]

I mean, I'm happy for you,

but...

don't you just think that

this is just a little naive.

Excuse me?

I don't know, Mom.

I think that you probably

just forgot

what it's like to have

butterflies in your stomach,

and you're mistaking that

for love.

Don't condescend, Daniel.

I hate when you do that.

I'm not condescending.

I'm looking out for you.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Okay? Puppy love

is one thing, Mom.

"Love" love is something

completely different.

I know that.

Maybe you would, too,

if you got off your high horse

and gave someone a chance.

Oh, okay.

Sure, let me just pick

from the plethora

of gay men that exist

in this town.

I didn't go to my prom, Mom.

Oh, don't make this

a gay thing.

"A gay thing?"

You always make it

a gay thing.

You are so lucky

that it is so black and white

for you.

Oh, you think it's easy

dating at 50?

Are you kidding me?

It has been so easy for you

this entire time.

It's easy

for every straight person.

He buys you dinner,

and then you put out.

And I know that I'm white

and I'm privileged and blessed,

but sometimes I want to put out.

I don't put out.

And sometimes I pay.

And we haven't even had sex yet.

And you're saying I love you?

Mom. Eww!

You're f***ing delusional.

Why can't you just admit

that you're gonna be alone?

[scoffs]

Sorry.

What's the matter

with you, Danny?

Are you high... right now?

Drunk?

I had a drink.

Did you drive?

I'm 23.

Come here.

You are high.

You could have killed yourself.

Or worse, someone innocent.

What is wrong with you?

Where's your stash?

Whatever the f*** you call it.

Where's the pot?

- I don't have any pot.

- Where is it? Oh!

[laughing]

Yeah.

You know, I may be...

delusional...

but at least I'm f***ing trying.

[door closes]

[groans]

[sighs]

What?

You want a bag or are you

just enjoying the smell?

Oh.

- It's an empty bag.

- All right.

I think that's yours, too.

Oh, God.

Ugh. I hate that part.

- [Lisa laughing]

- It's sick.

- Really.

- You know what I do?

I just fling it

into the woods after.

- You what?

- Yeah, no, I don't want it

stinking up my garage.

So, I just... I make sure

no one's looking,

and I just f***ing fling it

into the woods.

All right, well,

close your eyes.

Oh. No. Okay, they're closed.

[laughing]

Whoa! Happy New Year! Opa!

Well, you know...

Doesn't that feel good?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Well, you seem like

you're doing much better.

Yeah, yeah. No, I am.

It's okay.

You know, I, um...

I...

I kicked him out.

You know,

for real this time. Yeah.

- Good for you.

- Yeah.

He keeps leaving sh*t

on my porch.

- Hmm.

- I mean, not like poop sh*t,

but like, you know...

flowers and...

cards and pastries,

and I just f***ing fling them

into the woods.

- Yeah.

- Except the pastries.

Yeah, gotta keep those.

Those are good.

What about you? Weren't you

seeing that fella, Khris?

Oh, uh...

turns out he's straight.

Oh, f***, I hate straight men.

- Hate 'em.

- Me too.

- I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

We were gonna go

on a road trip to LA,

and then I jumped his bones,

and he really wasn't

into it, so...

Oh.

So, what have they got there

that they don't have here?

I don't know.

The industry.

Other gay people.

We have gay people.

We have lots...

Hey, gay people!

Come out!

[laughing]

I have someone

I want you to meet.

- They're in all the basements.

- Yeah.

And what do you do

in the industry?

I write. I wanna...

I wanna write movies.

- Oh.

- Make movies.

- Yeah.

- And you can't do that here?

Well, I gave it a shot, and it

didn't really work out, so...

Oh.

Bad writing?

[sighs]

I guess I'm just

not really disciplined here.

[Lisa laughing]

I'm sorry.

You think

you could be disciplined,

like, homeless

on Hollywood Boulevard

having to pay

for everything yourself?

It's not gonna change.

I mean, get your sh*t

together here.

You got a roof over your head,

you got free food...

good food...

you got a f***ing car.

You gotta just follow

your dream, right?

You're only 23 once.

- Thank God.

- [Lisa chuckles]

I mean, don't ask me.

I'm the wrong one to ask.

If I could have done

what I wanted at 23,

really, my passion...

You gotta think about it.

And, you know, I know

your mom would be thrilled.

She loves you around.

Yeah.

I went to your reading

last week

All your exes were there

I made small talk with them

one at a time

While their eyes searched

the room

And they tried not to care

Hello.

What's all this?

So, I know that this doesn't

make up for anything,

but... made

your favorite chicken.

Walnut encrusted?

I mean, it's the only thing

I know how to make, so...

Yeah.

Mom...

I want you to know that...

I know what a sh*t I've been...

and that I really appreciate

everything that you do for me.

And I'm so sorry.

And I think that

I actually want to stay,

if that's okay.

You cleaned?

Mm-hmm.

What you said last night

really hurt my feelings.

I know.

And I'm so sorry.

You're gonna have

to start paying rent.

A little rent.

Okay. That's...

fair.

And I'm gonna need

some more help around the house

to pay for the car.

So, does this mean I can stay?

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