David Brent: Life on the Road

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1

Hello, I'm David Brent.

You probably know me as the star

of the BBC Two documentary The Office,

back in 2000 and...

No, that was then, this is now.

I'm currently a singer-song writer, so...

And a rep.

I work for Lavichem.

What do you mean who does my tampons?

We sell cleaning products.

All toiletry needs, really.

One size fits all.

No, it doesn't, actually.

I am following my dream as the lead singer

in the band Foregone Conclusion.

This is our story.

I never really gave up

that dream if I'm being honest.

So when the documentary team

approached me and said they wanted

to continue the Brent saga,

I said, "Sure, but let's do it big."

That's as stiff as you like

and it won't damage your rug.

Well, that's what I told her.

One last push to see if I can make it

in the music business.

Watch this space.

Let's rock.

# Half a tank should get me to Millbank

# I fill her up and head down to Sidcup

# It's just a meeting

It's only fleeting

# It's just a pitch

And then I'm up to Ipswich

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour

But no more

# Wheeler dealing no feeling

# Strictly business

I'm killin' it in Widnes

# Then to Gloucester

I get a Costa

# Hard shoulder

Coffee holder

# Life on the road

# Don't need a heavy load

# Foot down to the floor

# Seventy miles an hour

But no more #

Personal parking space. Typical.

Oh, here they are.

- Ooh, lovely Serena.

- What?

No, I was just saying.

- When you buying me dinner?

- Never.

No, I'll buy.

Morning. Made you a coffee.

We play these games.

Um, they know I'm available.

It's not like they're

coming on to a married man.

So, all good fun.

I'm in the marketplace, so to speak.

You know, young, free and single.

Not gonna settle down just yet.

I've been out with all sorts of girls.

Rich girls, poor girls, white girls.

You know.

Thin girls, fat girls.

I went out with a very big lady.

Mmm, lovely. Bubbly.

Mmm, beautiful eyes.

All my mates were like, "Oh, Brent, if she

lost weight she'd be an absolute stunner."

And she did lose weight.

And, um... and she wasn't a stunner,

which was very disappointing.

Um, a surprise to everyone.

I think she'd left it a bit late in life

and lost it way too quickly.

So she was left

with that sort of wattle thing.

You know...

And she wasn't bubbly any more.

Bit grumpy.

Always hungry.

So lesson learned. Be what you are.

So, yeah, that's the plan.

Tour, record deal, stick an album out,

make some big bucks, get a fancy crib,

then snare a lucky lady. Yeah.

But at first, life on the open road.

It's in my blood, uh...

- Do you drive?

- You know I do.

I've given you a lift home several times.

- What car you got?

- Red Honda.

Lady across the road from me

has got a red Honda.

That's me.

I live across the road from you.

Oh. Wondered why she was always waving.

Thought she was mental. That explains it.

- I'd like to see you live.

- Ooh, don't know.

The lyrics are a bit hot for you. X-rated.

We got one song, it's about rock 'n' roll,

but it's a metaphor for sex.

It goes... # I'm gonna roll you over

And rock you stupid

# And leave you there just hummin'

# There's a party in my trousers, baby

And everybody's comin' #

You get it?

Ask me how I'm spelling "comin" '?

- How are you spelling "comin" '?

- C-U-M-I-N.

That's cumin.

Double M. Think.

It's... So, yeah.

That sort of coming.

Well, not with... But with... You know.

Although some women do...

squirt.

Don't know what.

Juice.

No one knows.

Right, see you later.

You know, we're top salesmen here.

Sort of like the dream team, really,

some of these guys.

- Jezza. Just biggin' you up.

- Sorry, mate, I'm talking, what?

He's great when he's out with the clients.

They love him, but...

he wants... I don't know...

he's like a kid, he wants attention.

You know, you see a man that age

and you think, "What are you doing?"

Lovely Serena again.

The one that plays hard to get.

- Please, Brent.

- No.

- I can't stand him.

- Okay.

I know how that looks.

I know in your little documentary thing

you're just gonna paint me out

to be, like, the b*tch, but...

if I give him an inch, that's it.

Here's the boss.

Keeping an eye on us

is, uh, head of sales, Andy Chapman.

I used to have my own office.

Better than that in a way.

I prefer it out here with the troops

because we have a laugh.

I'm sort of my own boss,

but we're all equal, so anything goes.

I'm one of the lads.

What's he doing?

- Ah, Mr Brent.

- "Ah, Mr Brent."

- What is that?

- F*** knows.

"F*** knows." Oh, my God,

I have to sit next to this nutter.

F*** know... F*** nose.

Are you sure you want a pun war with me?

I love puns.

Highest form of wit in my opinion.

Nigel gets it 'cause he's a bit cooler,

like me, not a corporate stuffed shirt.

He's a mentalist.

Maracas. These are my knackers, more like.

Bollocks.

Look, aren't my plums a bit red, Doctor?

Turn round and see plums in your face.

Top banta. They call us Bant and Dec.

Don't they?

- Well, we sometimes call ourselves that.

- Yeah.

And Brentertainment.

- That's more you.

- You're in. Come here.

David's David, isn't he?

He's just... He's a lovely bloke.

I think he's brilliant.

Makes me laugh anyway.

I know most people don't get him...

but I do.

Most people don't get me, but he does.

So it's nice.

It's good that we've found each other.

He's gonna help me, um, showcase

some of my comedy characters.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Aren't you? Trying to get that done.

Got one character called Lionel Fancy.

Oh hello, my name's Lionel Fancy.

His catchphrase is,

"Chance'd be a fine thing."

- And it works with anything.

- It does. It does.

Just say something to me.

- All right, Lionel? What you up to today?

- No.

Say, um, "All right, Lionel,

I'm just making some dinner.

"Do you want something hot inside you?"

Oh, hello.

All right, Lionel,

I'm just making some dinner.

- Fancy something hot inside you?

- Chance'd be a fine thing.

All right, Lionel,

are you worried about AIDS?

Don't say that.

I got one, uh, character

called Dopey O'Leary. An Irishman.

I like making people laugh.

Sue me.

I like making people feel,

more importantly.

Comedy, music, poetry, philosophy,

whatever, you know.

I get inside your head.

Maybe get inside your heart.

I got one character... called Ho Lee Fuk.

- Ooh, no. Ooh, no!

- It's all right. It's not swearing.

That's his name. He's a little Chinaman.

Clever.

Hello, my name's Ho Lee Fuk.

I'm not weird-looking.

You're the weird-looking one.

From the Chinaman's perspective,

at last, I flipped it.

Oh, you fripped it.

He's fripped it.

- This is why we get on. Same level.

- Hang on a second.

Can you f***ing keep it down? Yeah.

Can you keep it down?

- David? Can I have a word?

- Huh? Yeah.

What you want? What you want? Sirry rady.

I'm sure you didn't mean

to cause offence, David.

But, as you know, we have to consider

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