David Brent: Life on the Road Page #2

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everyone's feelings in the workplace.

Yeah. Correctamundo.

You're happy to propagate

a stereotype of Irish people

being educationally subnormal

or gay people being ridiculously camp?

Well, I never actually specify

whether he is a homosexual or not.

So that's in your mind.

What about telling sexist jokes to women?

Oh, you're saying I should only

tell them to men? Sexist.

No. I'm saying

you shouldn't tell sexist jokes at all.

Oh, okay.

- You said something about bras?

- Yeah, just harmless fun.

Go on.

What's the definition of a glass bra?

Smash and grab. Honk, honk.

Okay. Well, violence against women

is seldom a laughing matter.

Where's the violence?

You're smashing a woman's bra,

and then you're grabbing her breasts.

Not literally. In a joke.

And the violence isn't the funny bit.

What is the funny bit, David?

Um, honk, honk.

Funny noise, funny organs.

So...

Well, I don't think it warrants

any formal disciplinary action.

- Shame.

- Uh...

- It can be arranged.

- Oh.

- But as I said, be aware...

- Hmm? I will.

...and sensitive to difference.

Ah, you'll see how sensitive

I am to difference.

Get a cab then.

I'll pay you back when you get here.

Because I need you to.

Trust me, it'll be fun.

All right. Call when you get here.

All right, cheers. Bye.

So...

Miriam is going to eat humble pie.

Not the pie she's used to.

I mean, she's slightly overweight

and likes apple pie.

Not hairy pie. She's a lezzer. I mean...

It's like having a 15-year-old kid

in the office, you know?

Your lack of humour warning.

And I find him an irritant. I mean,

normally I just shut my door when I hear him,

because it's just...

It just puts me off my work.

Where am I supposed to be?

I'm just, like, in reception.

Here. I'm down here.

- Flippin' hell.

- Come here.

I was just in a meeting with, uh, Miriam.

It's, uh, my black friend.

So,

that's what I've been...

Mixed race, actually.

My favourite.

His dad was black, his mum was white.

Get over it.

- My dad was white. My mum was black.

- Oh.

Even more different. Her face.

- Let's just not...

- I've been trying to say...

I first met David...

I was rapping in this open mic thing

in a pub in Slough.

It's, you know, where we're both from.

And he came over

and said he wanted to manage me.

You know? I mean, I didn't know

at the time he was a sales rep.

- Is that it?

- Yeah.

- It's the only reason I'm here?

- Yeah.

It's important. You off?

It's just my mate.

Going off on tour.

- Him?

- Yeah.

Okay.

So, yeah.

That's cool.

Yeah.

I've booked a session today

in a top-notch recording studio.

- Hello?

- David.

Here we go.

Studio.

I love making demos.

I do it a lot, you know.

It not only gives the record company

an idea of what I can do.

It gives me an idea of what I could do,

and that's the buzz.

Dan. My usual engineer.

Well I've done one session with Dom.

It was meant to be with Dom.

It started off he was kind of

managing me and, um, he was paying

for me to make my demos which was cool.

And then,

suddenly, like,

he wanted to co-write songs

and then before I knew it, he was, like,

doing his own songs and saying,

"Oh, will you do a rap on this,

do a rap on that?"

And now it's like some kind

of Ebony and Ivory, urban sidekick deal.

Okay, I'm gonna cut the bullshit.

- That would be great, yeah.

- I'm head-hunting.

Putting a tour together.

Do you wanna be part of that?

Drive the gang?

On stage sound. Roadie.

- What sort of tour?

- Showcasing the band.

Also hotels, rider.

So it's some work and some food

and somewhere to sleep?

Here we go. Playing hardball. Yeah?

- Are we talking bunse?

- Well we're certainly not talking English.

- What do you earn here?

- That's not the issue.

I'll double it.

Really?

I never dreamt he'd be on that much.

It's a bit annoying.

It eats up the budget.

But you pay people well, they wanna do

a good job and they wanna keep their job.

So... I'll just cash in another pension.

That's what I've been doing

to finance all this.

I took out a lot of private pensions

in the '90s, you know.

And some of them are worth

as much as I've put in now, so...

And I would have spent that money by now.

And now I am gonna spend it

on rock 'n' roll.

But keep the drums sounding big though.

David is... He's on-site.

Deep down he's supporting me,

and I'm sure he'd love to see me do well.

It's not a lot right now, but, you know,

see how this tour goes. Never know.

There's a similarity there, you know.

I mean, in some ways we're very alike.

Except, you know, he's white and old

and his music is terrible.

But, I mean, we're both just trying

to make it, you know,

I'm just not...

not 100% sure what his "it" is.

Bit of a cock-up.

I've only got four days

actual holiday leave left.

So I've gotta take 11 days unpaid.

- Yeah.

- So...

That's all right, you know, sort of.

This is a holiday, isn't it?

It's what I love doing, so...

And if I get signed,

it's all been worth it.

Er, so my last day is next Friday.

Yeah. Make sure your clients

are covered for the month

and you're away.

Yeah, I am indeed.

- Back on the phones then.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Back on the phone.

It's daft.

I mean, wasting his holiday

in trying to be a pop star.

He'd be far better off, you know,

having a couple of weeks in Marbella.

Relax, nice tan...

Still, his money, his life, innit?

- It's on. Yeah.

- Ooh.

Uh...

My last week, next week. Then I'm off.

Got a few more... gigs to book in.

Get the record companies down, get signed.

Bye-bye nine to five.

Sorry.

No. So, rehearsal tomorrow.

Wait till you see the band.

Great bunch of kids.

Foregone Conclusion, Mark ll.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I did try and get

the old crew back together,

but, um, they hadn't really weathered

as well as me.

Reggie Mental.

He can't drum any more. His back's gone.

He's on painkillers

and physio, permanently, you know.

He's basically an invalid now.

From that.

Jack.

He's married now with four kids.

Look at him there.

Under the thumb.

I bumped into him in Reading,

down the Oracle.

And he was shopping with his wife,

holding hands with kids,

carrying shopping,

papoose with a new baby in it.

And he looked at me,

and he didn't literally say it out loud,

because his wife was there,

but I could see in his eyes,

he was saying, "Kill me."

From that.

And the saddest of all... Mammogram.

Real name, Craig Monkford.

Wow, great guy. Brilliant guitarist.

Life and soul of the party.

And he knew how to party.

His nickname is from the fact

that he'd always turn up to your door

with a different girl with big b*obs.

So, nothing to do with cancer, um...

But he is now doing two years

for 11 different counts of sexual assault.

Hiya.

Saturday, innit? So...

Rehearsals.

Yeah, this is where it all happens.

This is the last one, actually,

before the tour.

That's all booked.

Well, I got six or seven gigs in.

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