David Brent: Life on the Road Page #9

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Sit like a pelican

# Oh, oh, don't call us Indians

# We're more like West Eurasians

Crossed with Siberians

Everyone.

# Oh, oh

Native American

# Soar like an eagle

Sit like a pelican #

Wasn't great, but would have been better.

There was a little surprise.

Dom was meant to come on

during Native American and didn't.

Why didn't you come on?

- I couldn't.

- Why not?

Something came over me.

- Ooh, stage fright?

- No, dignity.

Don't think you can get more dignified

than a great warrior, so...

I'm not even a Native American.

No, you're the closest thing we've got,

and that's a fact. So...

Okay, Madonna Kebab have pulled out.

- Anyone wanna go on early?

- We're not going on early.

We can go on again.

We've got loads of songs.

- No, you're all right.

- No, I can do it.

- I could do one of my tracks.

- In that?

Yeah, I got a backing track. Not in this.

I'll take this off. Two minutes.

You got your stuff now?

Come on, then. Hurry up.

- No.

- Come on, then.

You don't wanna do that.

Backing track at a Battle of the Bands.

Didn't know it was karaoke.

# Yo, I'm tired of this minimum wage

# Tired of this cage

Tired of not being on the stage

# Tired of no one reading

What I'm writing on the page

# Tired of hanging out

With guys twice my age

# But what's the use of dreams

To a human being

# If they always prove unseen

# If I am who I think I am

# Then I gotta transform

Be a better man

# And if you are who you think you are

# You should be above the clouds

You should be a star

# From what I see I'm sure it's hard

# Can we be more

Than the cards we're dealt?

Yeah!

# Yeah

# Maybe this is just the start

# Why can't we change

The cards we're dealt?

# Well, it's more real

Than anything I ever felt

# But I'm feeling like an irrelevance

# I wanna soar with eagles

Not waddle with pelicans

# Okay true

They're birds of prey, too

# But not the cool ones

You want associated with you

# Still I wouldn't mind the wingspan

# I could fly away

From always being everybody's wingman

# I'm proper different

You gotta listen

# I want a living where I got a bit more

Than a pot to piss in

# I'm about to prove

I can kick it off soon

# My time is overdue like a synagogue roof

Come on

# Na, na, na,

Na, na, na, na, na, na

Everybody, come on.

# Na, na, na,

Na, na, na, na, na, na

Come on and put your hands in the air.

# Na, na, na,

Na, na, na, na, na, na

Keep them hands in the air.

Keep them coming, come on.

# Na, na, na,

Na, na, na, na, na, na

# It's more real

Than anything I ever felt #

Thank you.

Thank you.

- What did you think?

- Ah, I wasn't really watching, mate.

I was just, um...

Er, you know...

I like the lyric

about the eagles and pelicans.

- Yeah, it's like a reference...

- Yeah, I know, yeah.

Yeah, a week ago,

you didn't like songs with pelicans in.

- No, I'm saying, I don't...

- What is going on, bruv? So...

- Hey, dude came back. Pog.

- I'm Pog.

- I, er, work for Toke Records.

- Toke Records, there it is.

- Did you write that?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Like I write the raps,

but also make little backing tracks,

like, on my laptop.

Have you ever demoed them properly?

- Yeah. We're always in the studio.

- No...

- I'm trying to mix rap with real songs.

- I do my own songs as well.

- Are you his manager?

- A bit more than that.

Yeah. Come on.

- So...

- No, I'm solo.

- Why are you lying?

- Right, yeah. Well, anyway,

- give us a call and come in for a chat.

- Will do.

- Yeah, wicked. Cheers, bruv.

- Yeah. Brilliant. Cheers.

- Let's have a look at that.

- No, it's...

What? What? I can't even look at it now?

What has gotten into you?

"Tired of this rap race...

"And that chase...

"That chase..."

Are you gonna bother calling that Pog

for a meeting?

- Yeah. Yeah, I thought I would.

- Yeah.

- Hear him out and make a decision.

- Yeah.

- Do you want me to come with you?

- No.

- No?

- No, you're all right.

So he doesn't think you're just a...

Some idiot off the street?

That you got the big boys

behind you if you want.

I just wanna go and see

what he's got to say...

- Right, and...

- ...and... Yeah.

You want them to tear you a new one,

do you?

And screw you? 'Cause that's what they do.

- Yeah?

- No.

- I'm gonna hear him out.

- No!

Ah, you're gonna hear him out, okay.

- I'm just gonna finish this line.

- Yeah.

- This verse.

- Have you got a rhyme for "gullible"?

Day off today.

I tried to get a gig in tonight

but I couldn't,

so I'm just chillaxing all day.

Not bad, is it?

So, here he is.

What are you doing today?

I'm going home.

I live about four miles away.

I'm staying. I've paid for it.

Final gig tomorrow.

I've saved the best till last. Typical.

Um, we're gonna do a Christmas song.

I've had it for a while, actually,

and it's based on a true story.

Um, I read about this, uh, orphan kid

in the local paper.

Um, he was dying and he just wanted

to stay alive till Christmas.

And this sort of imagines

me singing to him,

with all the stuff

that he's going through,

not to worry, because Santa's coming.

It's really sweet.

Um, and I've arranged for snow to fall.

Magic moment. Production value.

- David, sorry.

- Yeah.

I meant to say,

I heard back from the hire company.

Yep.

The snow is gonna cost 1,500 quid.

So, you know, not worth it really.

Well, none of it's been worth it, has it?

So...

The whole tour's been... 20 grand down.

I thought there'd be incomings.

There wasn't.

Just all outgoings.

Might as well just spend

another 1,500 quid and...

Well, no, I mean that's... Don't do that.

That's throwing good money

after bad, David.

- Just cut your losses.

- If I cut my losses...

Why? You know,

I thought it'd be a tour with a band.

It's not a band. They're not even

staying here on their day off.

They're away. No one's come to see us.

We're not gonna get signed. So...

So don't waste more money.

Why not?

What, why not? Why not what?

Do you think I'm a prat?

No. No.

I think...

To be honest, I think you're...

I think you're chasing something that...

- I can't have.

- ...that you don't need.

That's not gonna... That's not gonna help.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, I think...

You seem to think

that unless you're on stage performing,

that people aren't gonna like you.

They're probably not.

Well, then why would you wanna be liked

by people like that anyway?

You know, you don't have to be on stage

to be worth something.

And people who like you are still gonna

like you even if you're not performing.

Problem is not a lot of people like me,

do they?

Don't spend any more money

on this tour, okay? Please?

Don't cash in another pension or whatever.

I'll do the rest for free.

- The snow costs 1,500 quid, so you...

- We don't need snow, David.

We don't need it.

And... for the record, I like you.

- Yeah?

- Don't make me say it again.

- All right? Have a good day.

- See you later.

Dan's right. We don't need snow.

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