Davy Crockett and the River Pirates

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The country was big

When it was new

The best men was big

And their yarns was too

And their tallest tales

Folks believed was true

So the more they were told

The more they grew

Davy, Davy Crockett

King of the Wild Frontier

History remembers the name of his gun

And some of the deeds he really done

But most of his chores

For freedom and fun

Got turned into legends

And this here is one

Davy, Davy Crockett

Helping his fame spread wide

Had a lot of furs that he aimed to ship

And he set his mind on a river trip

When a braggin' boatman

Give him some lip

A'claimin' there was no man

He couldn't whip

Davy, Davy Crockett

Tanglin' with Big Mike Fink

Them Kentucky ants got

a bite like an alligator.

Sure ain't particular

what they chaw on.

Look at that, would you?

This is the longest hunt we ever been on.

- Biggest bunch of pelts we ever got, too.

- Leastwise, the heaviest.

Them packhorses is plum wore out

and so am I.

How much longer you figure

we got to walk, anyhow?

I figure we'll reach

the old Ohio pretty soon.

Yeah, sure am looking forward

to that boat ride.

Nothin' to do all day but sit in the sun

and fish all the way down the Natchez.

That's a mighty good idea

of yourn, Davy.

At least we'll get a better price

for our furs there.

You ain't foolin' me none.

You ain't thinking about the price of furs.

You're thinkin' about all that

new country we'll be lookin' at.

- Ow!

- [Squeaking]

[Rattles]

Get away from here.

This ain't your night, is it?

I'm gonna turn in

before something else happens.

That fellow sang worse than you.

Ain't nothing living gonna

keep me awake tonight.

Hey, Davy?

- Hey, Davy?

- Now what?

There's something in bed with me.

Kiss it good night and go to sleep.

[Sniffs]

[Whistle blows]

- There's our boat ride.

- Get a move on, Mahalia.

[Whistle blows]

Listen to the thunder

- Hear the winds roar

- [horse neighs]

Hurricane's a'comin'

Board up the door

Load up the cannon

Call out the law

Worstest calamity that folks ever saw

Girls run and hide

Brave men shiver

He's Mike Fink

King of the River

What's going on here, anyway?

Something's got their fur riled up.

The landing's over there.

Well, boys, hope they don't run out of

Monongahela Red Eye this time!

[Men laugh]

That ought to keep her from drifting.

Say, mister, which one of them fellas

is captain of this boat?

What did you say?

- He wants to know who the captain is.

- [Men laugh]

How long you bushwhackers

been holed up in the backwoods?

Everybody knows who the captain

of the Gullywhumper is.

It's me. Mike Fink.

King of the River.

Well, Captain, meet up with Davy Crockett.

King of the Wild Frontier.

Davy Crockett, huh?

It sure is a small world.

You're a foot shorter than you ought to be.

Don't worry, he's still a'growin'.

Like them yarns

they spread about him.

Mighty hard to live up to sometime.

Well, I don't have no trouble

livin' up to mine.

I am the original ring-tail roarer

from the Thunder Lightning country.

I'm a real snorter and a head-buster.

I can out-run, out-jump,

out-sing, out-swim,

out-dance, out-shoot,

out-eat, outright...

Out-talk?

Yeah, out-talk, out-cuss and out-fight

anybody in the whole Mississippi

and Ohio Rivers put together.

Interesting, but all we wanna know

is how far down you're going?

All the way to New Orleans, of course.

Told you I'm Mike Fink.

King of the River.

This is my private river.

Have you got room for

a couple of private passengers?

- Where you bound?

- Natchez.

We got furs we aim to sell down there.

You get a better price

for your furs in New Orleans.

Tell you what I'll do,

seeing as how it's you.

- I'll make you a special rate.

- That's nice of you.

Yes, you and your furs all the way

to Natchez or New Orleans,

for only $1,000 hard money.

Why, that's plain uncivilized piracy.

Ain't no question about it.

Make up your minds

and let me know before morning.

You keep me from my drinkin'.

$1,000?

Who does that big windbag

think he is?

Seems like he told us.

He might be the King of the River,

but he ain't got the only boat.

- Howdy there.

- Howdy.

This your boat?

Yep, Bertha Mae out of Marietta.

- Sounds like a racehorse.

- Hard to beat if she's handled right.

Which way you going?

Up river or down?

- Ain't going no place right now.

- Barrel's marked for New Orleans.

That's right.

But my crew up and deserted me.

- What'd they do that for?

- Heard about the Injuns.

Didn't know there was Injun trouble.

It ain't here.

Downriver somewhere.

Other side of Shawnee Town.

Red devils are attacking everything.

Flat boats loaded with settlers.

Even on the keelboats.

Got so bad, nobody'd sign on.

Don't seem to be scaring off

Mike Fink none.

Him and them Pittsburgh pole-pushers

ain't human enough to be scared.

We picked the wrong time

for a boat ride.

Hey.

- Are you really Davy Crockett?

- Why, sure.

- I'm Captain Cobb.

- This is my friend, Georgie Russel.

Glad to know ya. You fellas

got a reputation for Injun fightin'.

If folks knew you were going downriver

with me, we could get a crew.

- What do you think, Georgie?

- Beats paying $1,000 we ain't got.

- How many men would it take?

- Six, if they're as strong as you be.

If they don't know any more

about boating than Georgie and me,

it'll be some crew.

Better split up,

we're gonna cover the town.

Don't you be a'feared

of tootin' your horn.

Mind what you promise. Don't want

anybody to think this'll be a frolic.

That one's about the right size.

See you back at the landing.

[Grunts]

Ah!

[Jocko] Now, anybody else

don't care for my cigar?

Kind of handy with

them fists of yourn, ain't you?

Better at kicking and bitin'.

You're the kind of fella

I been looking for. Drink?

You're just the kind of fella

I've been looking for, too.

Well, here's mud in your eye.

Know something? Sleepy town like this

ain't no place for a man of your talents.

- Mister, that's a fact.

- Have another?

- What's your name?

- Jocko.

- Mine's Georgie.

- Well, I'm pleased to meet you.

Ah, it's kind of tasty, ain't it?

[Whispering] That'd grow whiskers...

That'd grow pink whiskers

on a hound dog.

Hey, Jocko, how'd you like to see

a little something of the world?

- What you driving at, Georgie?

- I'm gonna let you in on something.

Me and Davy Crockett is getting a party

to take a boat ride down the river.

- Take a what?

- Boat ride, on the Bertha Mae.

- Clean down to New Orleans.

- [Cackling]

What's so funny?

That's the gall-bustingest joke

I ever heard. Hey, Mike!

This clodhopper is trying to sign old Jocko

on the Bertha Mae.

You tired of livin'? Nobody tries

to steal one of Mike Fink's crew.

How did I know this little hyena...

This squirt... One of your hyenas?

I accept your apology.

Couple of Mike Fink specials.

I thought you and Davy Crockett

was a couple of smart fellas.

Turnin' me down for a bumblin'

old coot like Cap Cobb.

- Heard about them Injuns downriver?

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