Davy Crockett and the River Pirates Page #2

---

- But Injuns don't scare Davy none.

Our only trouble is,

we can't get a crew.

You ain't gonna find

no keelboatmen around here.

If any of these cornhuskers

are crazy enough to join you,

you'll end up in a sandbar for sure.

It's risky, but we get a free ride.

- It's your funeral.

- [Bubbling, steaming]

As we say down in New Orleans,

bon voyage!

- Hey, down the hatch!

- I already had more than I'm used to.

Oh, come on now, square off.

You're gonna be a river man,

you gotta learn how to drink like one.

[Drink gurgles]

[Stomach gurgles]

[Laughing]

That's funny, there's no sign

of my friend Russel.

You go look for him.

We'll find the rest of the fellas.

It may take persuading, but we'll

have a full crew before morning.

- Obligin' of you to join up with me.

- Anything for you, Davy.

Well, let's get some men.

[Crowd hoots, hollers]

Yee-hoo!

Hey! Hiya, Davy!

- What in thunder got into him?

- Only a couple of Mike Fink specials.

Georgie ain't a drinkin' man.

That's what he claimed,

but look at him!

Hey, Davy!

Yee-hoo!

Georgie Russel, quit making

a fool out of yourself and get off...

Leave him alone, Crockett,

he's enjoying hisself!

Ain't had so much fun since I slid down

Old Smokey on a barrel stave!

Don't worry, Davy,

we'll beat 'em easy!

Beat 'em?

What's he talking about?

Beat who?

- Me. You got a race on your hands.

- What kind of race?

Keelboats. The Gullywhumper

against the Bertha Mae.

- To New Orleans.

- We can't race you.

I told him, but he wouldn't believe me.

Bet your furs against two barrels

of my Monongahela whiskey.

He knows better.

Took us all winter to get them furs.

My crew's gonna look mighty fancy

in coonskin caps.

Yee-hoo! Ah-ha!

[Davy] George, get down from there!

[Crashing]

[Glass shattering]

[Men laughing]

Hey!

Hey, have a little heart.

That's awful wet!

If you're gonna be a river man,

you gotta get used to water.

I'm awful sorry, Davy.

That won't get us to New Orleans

ahead of Mike Fink.

- Couldn't you say I was foolin'?

- Think he'll let you off that easy?

- I don't reckon. I'll never do it again.

- You better not.

- We've got to find ourselves a crew.

- Not in your condition.

Get back to the boat and

have Cap Cobb put you to bed

while I gather up the gear.

Thank you, Davy.

You're mighty understandin'.

[Indistinct chatter]

Citizens of Maysville,

you are about to witness the start

of an historical event,

which may well be remembered

as the classic contest of all time.

A keelboat race between the intrepid

Davy Crockett of Tennessee...

[all cheer]

And the undefeated Mike Fink,

King of the River!

[Cheering]

- Are the captains ready?

- I'm ready.

I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Hey, Crockett, might as well

give me them furs now.

You ain't won 'em yet.

Well, if I don't, I'll eat my hat,

red feather and all!

One of these days, that big blowhard's

gonna get what's comin' to him.

Take your starting positions.

Stand by!

Stand by!

No, no, no!

Jumpin' catfish! Do like I told ya.

Go forward

so we can walk back.

[Men laugh]

Now, remember, no one starts

until the cannon fires.

[Mike] Get ready.

Get ready, boys.

[Drumroll]

[Cheering]

Listen to the thunder

Hear the winds roar

Hurricane's a'comin'

Board up the door

Load up the cannon

Call out the law

Worstest calamity

That folks ever saw

Girls run and hide

Brave men shiver

I'm Mike Fink

King of the River!

Oh, he's a ring-tail roarer

And a tough old alligator

Oh, he's a bull-nosed bully

And a real depopulator

Oh, what a fightin' devil

He'll spit right in your eye

He's gonna live forever

[low] Born too mean to die

[all laugh]

It ain't no use, Davy.

We ain't gonna catch 'em.

We just ain't got the hang of it.

We need a song like they've got.

Let's sing one, then.

He don't take nothin'

From no man at all, ho!

The bigger they brag

The harder they fall, ho!

The tougher they are

The louder they squall

When they get wet through

In a free-for-all, ho!

[All] Davy, Davy Crockett

King of the Wild Frontier

[continues softly]

Ain't no trick to row a keelboat

We can beat Mike Fink

With anything that floats

We got the hang

While we feel our oats

Look at them clodhoppers, would ya?

[Laughs]

[Davy's men] Davy, Davy...

- Was I snorin' again?

- On your feet, they're catchin' up!

Don't strain yourselves, boys.

They ain't gonna catch us.

Wait 'til they find themselves

going down Dead Man's Shoot!

[Man] Stand by!

All righty, let's row!

Much obliged for relievin' me, Davy.

How we doin'?

We're gainin' on them.

They're around that bend.

So's the falls of the Ohio.

- Falls?

- That's what they call 'em.

Actually, it's a stretch

of bad rapids.

Used to be real dangerous

'til they put in the channel marker.

That's funny, river must've cut

a new channel since my last trip.

Gentlemen, let's have a moment of silence

for them poor unfortunates

what took the wrong channel.

[Cracking]

Hey, you stumble-footed idiots!

What are you trying to do?

Send us to the bottom?

Pass them poles!

Hey, Cap. It's getting rough.

You sure we're in the right channel?

Jumpin' Jehosaphat!

We're in Dead Man's Shoot!

Somebody must've moved the marker!

[Waves thrashing]

Can't afford to lose you now, Cap.

Better get below.

Hey, Davy, look out!

There's a rock dead ahead.

Pole, you lop-headed baboons!

They're beatin' us!

Let's pole!

Davy, we're still leadin'.

We might just win this race.

Georgie, don't skin the bear

'til we shoot him.

- What's them lights up ahead?

- Shawnee Town. We better put in.

And let them hyenas

get ahead of us again?

Can't be helped. Everything below

is soakin' wet, even our powder.

And them Injuns

is apt to jump us anytime now.

Mike, listen.

Sounds like they're puttin' ashore.

- So are we.

- What? You crazy?

Now's our chance to get way ahead!

Why bust our backs when there's

an easier way? Here, take over.

Pretty late. Sure hope

Davy'll find somethin' open.

If they don't take long, we can start

again before Mike Fink shows up.

Ain't no sign of him yet.

Hope they don't sneak by us in the dark.

[Frog croaks]

- What's that?

- Just an old bullfrog.

If that ain't just like a city fella!

Don't even know a bullfrog

when he hears one.

[Frog croaks]

Little rascal's getting pretty close.

The whole riverbank's full of 'em.

[Frog croaks]

What'd you do?

- Me?

- Yeah.

Nothin'. A couple bolts rusted off

the rudder when they wasn't looking.

Don't figure it can hang together

too much longer.

[Man] Hello there!

Come on ashore!

[Man in falsetto voice] Yoo-hoo, boys.

Come on, boys. Have a good time!

[Man] We got liquor

and some fine entertainment.

[High voice] We're lonesome

for some dancin'!

[Man] You won't be sorry!

What do you know?

They made that old cave into a tavern.

- Fetch your poles and hold her.

- [High voice] Yoo-hoo, boys!

Don't overdo it, they're stoppin'.

You Injuns get ready.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes