Dead Billy Page #4

the b*tch, Melissa Kononen!

- Yeah, b*tches, right.

Right, right, right.

Hey guys, so I'm

Melissa Kononen,

and I'm gonna ask

you how you're doing,

but please, do not

applaud, you can boo,

you can do whatever

you want, please,

just do what is in your heart.

How are you guys doing?

Uh, that's a little like...

It's not like aah, yeah,

that's like a medium.

So, if you ask me, you

probably don't give a f***,

but I'm going to tell

you, I'm doing awful.

I woke up with a cold, and

I'm delirious at this point,

and to be honest, I'm kind

of loving it right now,

having this cold, because

it's my own little portable

disease, that I get to

take with me everywhere,

it's all mine, not

yours, it's mine,

my disease, mine, mine, mine!

And I get to sleep

with it in the night,

I'm like oh, it's my cold,

oh disease, you're okay,

you're mine, oh I get

to cuddle with you.

I had vegan chili earlier,

and it gave me heartburn.

And I didn't like it, you

know what else I hate?

I hate it when nice dudes

refuse to call women c*nts.

You know, specifically

this woman, because um,

if you don't call me a c*nt,

I'm gonna find someone else

who will, and they

will probably suck.

- You're weird!

- Oh, great, woo!

Like this guy right here,

he fits the description,

how you doing man?

- Tell a joke all ready.

- What's your name?

Come on, what's your name?

- Um, Dave.

- Oh, Dave, that's

your real voice?

When you're not

putting a voice on,

you're like ugh, um,

Dave, hey um Dave.

So, call me a f***ing

c*nt right now.

Call me a f***ing c*nt,

do it, we're all waiting!

We're all waiting

for you um Dave,

we're all waiting for you

to call me a f***ing c*nt,

so call me a f***ing c*nt!

I heard you earlier,

come on, do it.

Don't worry about

her, she won't mind,

she likes it, she likes

when you call her a c*nt,

so why don't you

do it to me man?

Call me a f***ing c*nt, no?

All right, fine, whatever,

just being a p*ssy.

See all you nice guys

out there, please,

just do me a favor,

call me a f***ing c*nt,

when I'm being a f***ing c*nt.

So I can stop hearing it

from abusive a**holes.

Okay, nope, you know what

I also don't understand?

What's really wrong with

f***ing your cousin.

- Four sugars!

- Sorry.

- Jesus Cali, how

many times I have to...

- I'm sorry, Billy.

- What the f*** is

wrong with you anyway?

You, go, go!

- No, he's 66 years

old, but he drinks pee.

The thing is, so I don't

know, just looking at him,

makes me wonder if

it works because,

they say it helps your

body diagnose sicknesses,

if you don't drink caffeine,

or alcohol, or eat meat...

- Hi, how you doing, oh wow

look at this, that is my face.

C*nt face, there you are.

- Thank you.

- Use protection.

Well, that was sh*t.

- It was precious.

- Oh, f*** you.

- Got another one.

- Lovely.

- Water, no ice, please.

Hi.

You were really good.

- Can I have that?

Mmm.

- F*** you Alyssa.

- Do I know you?

- Um, kind of.

- Oh, f***.

- None of this is

real by the way,

but actually, it is all real.

- Yo, this your ride?

- Yeah.

- Toss me the keys, I

wanna show you something.

So, I assume it's no coincidence,

you showing up here?

- No.

- Oh f*** yeah, this is my jam!

F***ing c*nt!

What the f***?

- Alyssa?

- What?

- What was it you

wanted to show me?

- What?

- What was it you

wanted to show me?

- Oh, honey, let's

get f***ed up first!

Come on.

Hey, look at me, are you okay?

Once every three or four months,

but we'd never do anything,

he'd just stand there, and look.

When I was younger, I

pretended like I was asleep,

like I knew it was

creepy or whatever,

but I didn't know why, and

then when I got a little older

I would stare right back at

him, never told him to leave.

And he'd still just,

you know, stand there.

Anyway, I told my mom.

Yeah, a few years ago, she

called me a lying little b*tch.

Billy was never so bad.

At least he didn't stare.

You know, he tried to kill

himself after you left, right?

He said he was gonna

go jump off a bridge.

And that was about

the time he started

calling me all the f***ing

time, and leaving these,

like, long ass messages,

and sometimes he'd cry.

Then, you know, I mean,

he called me to tell me

that you came back, after that,

he didn't call me anymore.

Did you find him

sexy or something?

- Yeah, I did.

- Oh, that's weird, what

do you even know about him?

- He said he fought in Vietnam.

- Really?

- He said he was

in Danang for a year.

- Billy said a lot of things.

He told my mom that he made

a fortune selling rare coins.

He told me that he was a

rough Necker in California,

and that he shat,

shot, I'm sorry,

he shot a guy in the

back of the head,

because the guy broke

into his apartment,

and was trying to stab

him in the kidney.

And he said that he went to

that guys grave to piss on it,

but it was Memorial Day,

and there were like...

There were all

these people around,

so he settled for

just spitting on it.

He didn't tell you

that story, did he?

What are you doing

here, little Cali?

- I need to find him.

- Why?

He's dead, I mean,

probably, right?

I mean, you wanna

know what I think?

You probably don't, but

I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I think that you miss him.

I think that you love him.

- I...

You don't know

what he did to me.

- What he did to you.

Come on, I was gonna show

you something, come on.

See this tree here?

My mom, she hated Billy,

and then when I told her

about my step dad, you

know, just staring,

she hated him too,

but not at first.

She didn't believe me at first.

Then she thought about it,

and my step dad dropped dead

one day, while mowing the lawn.

I was away, she was alone.

I told her about what he did

to me and then I left her.

I was gone when

she drove out here,

and she sat at the

base of this tree.

She had my step dad's pistol.

Billy wasn't

serious, but she was.

What did you do to him Cali?

- What?

- What did you do to him?

I mean, you went back right?

And my mom was dead, and

I thought he and I could,

I don't know, I don't

know, work on things maybe.

He was the only f***ing

family that I had left.

What the f***.

- Stop!

- Cali, look at me.

You can go out with

him, if you want to.

I mean, if you really want to.

- Should I call him?

- Mom, shut...

- What the hell

is wrong with you?

Him, and then this man,

is that who you wanna be?

- You wanna go back to him?

Okay, go ahead, I'm not

gonna stop you, go, go, go!

- You okay?

- No.

- So, do you wanna

talk about it?

You know what I used to

do when I first started?

I just shut my eyes,

and go away somewhere.

Some place where I could

be anybody other than me.

Not like a movie star or

anything, just a wife, maybe.

And a mom.

I'd see myself in

a suburb somewhere,

working from home as a graphic

designer, interior decorator.

I used to draw, I was

pretty good at it.

Anyway, something like that.

I'd have three kids, twin

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