Dead Like Me: Life After Death Page #2

That's what he heard.

- You see how he took her chair out?

- And my phone-y thingy is greeny.

And?

And it matches my eyes.

It's my favorite color.

If Rube was still around,

he would have been at

the Waffle Haus this morning.

He would have found us.

He would have.

Goddamn it!

We didn't even have

a chance to say goodbye.

F*** him.

Where to?

Uh, I've gotta get back

to my car. I'm late for work.

Yes, ma'am. Anyone else?

Yes, um, 11 Stratford,

no, Stubens Place.

I have 45 minutes, so we

can drop George off first.

Oh, wait, I'll come with you

'cause, um, I'm much, much later.

How do you work this damn thing?

Looks like you get the day off.

Excuse me?

Oh, no. Look, I got another one.

They're almost back-to-back. Look at that.

You get two, I get none?

Rube would never do this.

Well, I don't like it

any more than you do.

Well, give me one of yours, then.

You can't take her reap.

- I can if she got two.

- Hey, shut the f*** up.

Reap is slang for...

Reap is slang for when we take

the soul out of a body who's just...

Sales meeting,

and we make commissions.

We're very competitive.

I understand.

There's no way in hell

she gets two reaps.

It has to be a mistake.

Well, I think it shows

a sensitivity on his part.

So do I.

I think he knew you

were gonna be all touchy

about him taking over,

so he let you slide.

So why didn't Mr. Sensitive

let you guys slide?

Because you're the only one

who wants Rube's old f***ing job.

Listen, I have a bit of a time

crunch. Could use your help.

All right, we'll take the squad car.

I'll use the lights if I have to.

Everything changes.

Just when I get used to

the way things are in life,

or in my case, death...

A**hole!

death throws you a curve.

That's the space-time continuum

for you, full of surprises.

That was entirely uncalled for!

See, there's my

mom and my sister Reggie.

My daughter is only 16!

She's just learning how to drive.

That's me. That's how

the living world sees me.

You should have a little consideration!

Light's still red.

Light's still red!

Could you please chill?

- Could you please pull over?

All right. Are you

trying to get us killed?

It's crossed my mind.

That's comforting.

Not lately, though,

because I really want

a new car for my birthday.

Actually, it can be used. I can deal.

Oh. That's great.

You can deal, all right.

Soon as you make

enough money from your job.

Laura got new b*obs for her 16th,

and she didn't even need them.

Well, that's really sketchy behavior.

Mmm. More shady than sketchy.

Yeah. Should be your father's job.

Except that he lives,

like, a million miles away.

When your father was teaching

George to drive, she cut someone off,

but she thought it was their fault,

so she took both hands off the wheel

so she could flip 'em off twice.

- Can we go now?

- Blinker!

- All right, let them know you're coming.

- I know!

- Don't let it bother you.

- Okay, okay! I'll try.

But, um, just in case?

What hand should I use

to flip somebody off?

The one not holding the cell phone.

Do you want to go around back?

Sneak in through the cafeteria?

It's too late.

They already saw me.

- I love you.

- You're the only one.

That's not true.

That's not true.

The doctors were wonderful.

But as great as they were at

diagnosing and treating Teddy,

they had no idea how

to tell a 12-year-old boy

that he was going to die.

And we couldn't do it,

so the guilt...

Now, let me just say,

I've been running this

group for two years now,

and I have never heard from a parent

who has figured that one out. Right?

I mean that there is no guidebook.

How do you manage it?

To be honest, not well.

George died suddenly,

and earlier that same day,

we had a fight.

And I... You know, I can't

remember exactly what I said,

but it wasn't pleasant.

And so I've been haunted

by it for the past five years.

So now I just make sure

that every time I say goodbye

to my younger daughter,

I tell her I love her.

Drives her crazy.

Morning, Crystal.

- Meow, Millie.

- Good morning, Delores.

How was your breakfast meeting?

It's supposed to be anonymous.

Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting.

You're under too much stress.

I just keep thinking about

somebody ratting me out,

- bringing Murray to work.

- Everybody loves Murray.

See how much they love him

when he gets too weak

to use the kitty litter box

and starts spraying the bizhub.

So take some family leave.

Spend some time with Murray

before he, you know, passes.

There's a no-pet

clause in the contract. I checked.

Oh. Bastards.

I'm gonna have to put

that potty mouth of yours

directly into Murray's kitty litter box.

How many interviews we got today?

Sixteen.

- Bring 'em on.

- That's my girl.

- Oh, this is so sexy.

- How is this sexy?

Toenails and hair all over the floor,

faces dead with too much

Botox and too much makeup.

Looks like a mortuary, if you ask me.

Oh, I like mortuaries.

I think they're sexy.

- That's 'cause you're dead.

- No, it's 'cause he's sick.

Uh, can I help you?

I hope so.

Is there someone who works here

- with the last name Baenziger?

- No.

- Oh.

- Great haircut.

I know. What about a client?

Last name Baenziger.

Not on the books for today.

Oh.

Good choice.

You know, the yellow rocks

make it look like spring.

That is just what I thought.

Yeah.

So, do you mind if I go back

and look for my friend?

- Yeah, be my guest.

- Thanks.

Goody. That means we get to play,

you know...

High-risk factor.

Okay, ready?

- Running with scissors.

- Barber on drugs, razor at throat.

The house is right

on the mountain. Ski in, ski out.

My instructor says I'm a natural.

- Then there's her.

- What's high risk about her?

Nothing. I just want her dead.

Baenziger!

Oh, good. Now we get

to play last-minute panic.

Hey.

Daisy.

- Zac?

- Hi.

Is that you?

Yeah. No, uh... Sorry.

Do I know you from somewhere?

I think so. Are you Zac Baenziger?

Yeah. No. Yeah, that's me, for sure.

Uh, were we in high school together?

Graveling!

- I saw it first.

- I saw it.

It's good to see you. Really.

Yeah.

Sorry, I need a signature.

Now, where did my pens go?

There you go.

There you go.

Call 911! Hurry!

Hey, dead guy.

You mean those weren't candies?

No, and we didn't go

to high school together.

We gotta go, guys.

Thank you.

Daisy, what about his lights?

Uh, he'll figure it out.

You know, we've only got 10 minutes.

Rushing a reap! This is bad form.

This Cameron guy

is starting to piss me off.

I think his

way is more efficient.

I think Daisy's right.

The geezer is dead, isn't he?

I've got some lovely lemon sage

thickening conditioner for my hair.

- Look nice for the new boss.

- I don't think you're his type.

- You are?

- I'm everybody's type.

Oh, really?

Trying to make me jealous?

Just stating the obvious.

- So, Mr. Harding.

- Call me Ryan.

Hold on a sec.

Ryan, let the potential

employer address you formally

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