Dead Man on Campus Page #2

---

IN THE FACE BOOK.

OH, YOU MEMORIZED

THE FACE BOOK?

NO. MY ROOMMATE DID.

HE WAS:

JACK--A-LACKIN'...

HE WAS JACK-A-LACKIN'

AROUND TO IT.

HE WAS WHAT?

UM...

HEH HEH HEH.

NEVER MIND.

RACHEL, COME ON.

UH, JUST A SECOND.

I GOT TO GO. UM...

SO, I'LL SEE YOU

AROUND MAYBE.

OH, YEAH. NO, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH. NO.

I MEAN, YEAH.

YES.

I'LL SEE EACH OTHER

AROUND.

OK. HA HA!

ALL RIGHT.

SO, BYE.

RACHEL.

JOSH.

BYE.

[SIGHS]

OH, YEAH,

THAT WAS SMOOTH.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE US

SOME POINTERS.

YOU'RE THE SH*T, MAN.

[LAUGHS]

[ALARM BUZZING]

[ALARM STOPS]

COOPER?

MY ARM'S ASLEEP.

OW!

OHH! OH, MY GOD,

ARE YOU OK?

HEY, JOSH.

HI.

OHH.

SORRY.

THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL

BIOLOGY, OK, PEOPLE?

WE WON'T BE

BRINGING IN FERNS

FOR SHOW AND TELL.

IF YOU BRING IN CHOCOLATE,

THEN WE ARE IN BUSINESS.

IT IS IMPERATIVE YOU DO

THE REQUIRED READING,

OR YOU SHALL BE LOST.

IT IS IMPERATIVE

YOU HANG ON MY EVERY WORD,

OR YOU SHALL BE LOST.

IT IS IMPERATIVE

YOU BUY MY BOOK,

ORGANIC CHEMISTRY--

THE IMPOSSIBLE DISCIPLINE

BY S.F. COLLINS,

WHO IS I,

OR YOU SHALL BE SO LOST,

YOU'LL NEVER BE FOUND

AGAIN.

THIS IS THE FIRST CLASS,

ISN'T IT?

THIS IS AN ADVANCED

ANATOMY LAB.

WE WILL BE SPENDING

THE MAJORITY OF OUR TIME

DISSECTING:

A HUMAN CADAVER.

SAY HELLO TO BOB.

[GASPS]

LET'S OPEN BOB UP,

SHALL WE?

YOUR JOB:

AT THE HOUSING OFFICE

IS TO PROCESS HOUSING

TRANSFER REQUESTS.

DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

DON'T STUDY AT WORK.

DON'T ANNOY ME.

THAT'S IT.

Cooper:
JOSH.

HELP.

I NEED WATER.

Cooper:
UHH. WATER.

WATER.

UHH.

SWALLOW.

SWALLOW.

AHH.

SO, KIND OF A LATE NIGH LAST NIGHT, HUH?

OH.

PAMMY.

I THOUGHT I DREAMT HER.

ISN'T COLLEGE GREAT?

THIS CAN'T BE

THE RIGHT ANSWER.

THERE ARE TOO MANY

VARIABLES IN THIS EQUATION.

HEY, JOSH,

DO YOU HAVE IT?

UH...

YEAH.

NEGATIVE 4.

[STUDENTS GIGGLE]

WELL, THAT WOULD BE

CORRECT, JOSH,

IF WE WERE STILL ON

BINOMIALS.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT TO CLEAN MY BONG,

'CAUSE I CAN'T MIX

THE KIND WITH THE SHWAG.

WHERE'S MY PIPE CLEANER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M STUDYING.

WELL, JOSH,

I THINK IT'S TIME

FOR A STUDY BREAK.

NO, THANK YOU, REALLY.

OH! OH!

OH, MAN.

SORRY. SORRY. HERE.

HEY, THAT'S MY SWEATER.

WHAT? LOOK,

I'M PICKING IT UP.

OH, MAN.

NOW EVERYTHING SMELLS

LIKE BONG WATER.

HEY.

HEY.

I'M JUST GOING TO PACK

UP SOME OF MY THINGS,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE

STAYING AT KELLY'S PLACE

FOR A WHILE.

IS IT COOL IF I USE YOUR ROOM

FOR BONGING? 'CAUSE--

NO! IT'S NOT COOL.

WHILE I'M GONE, DON' F*** WITH MY STUFF!

EASY, KILLER.

REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU?

YEAH.

DON'T F***

WITH MY STUFF...

PLEASE.

[LAUGHS]

[LOUD SCRATCHING]

LOOK, COOPER, COULD YOU

DO THAT SOMEPLACE ELSE?

LISTEN, I'M HERE ON

AN ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIP,

AND I'M SERIOUS WHEN

I SAY I GOT TO STUDY.

AND I CAN'T DO IT WHEN

YOU'RE DISTRACTING ME

EVERY 2 SECONDS.

[SCRATCHES]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SERIOUS WHEN I TELL YOU

I NEED TO CLEAN MY BONG,

AND I CAN'T DO I WITH YOU CHEWING ME OU EVERY 2 SECONDS.

I'M GOING

IN PICKLE'S ROOM,

IN CASE YOU WAN TO CATCH A BEER LATER.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

HEY, JOSH,

HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, MAN, I GOT A LONG

NIGHT AHEAD OF ME.

HOW YOU DOING?

OH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

I GOT A RASH ON MY BALLS.

HEY.

[PLAYING VIDEO GAME]

LOOK...

I KNOW WE'RE DIFFERENT,

BUT WE JUST GO TO FIGURE OUT A WAY

THAT WE CAN:

SHARE THE ROOM,

AND THEN I CAN STUDY,

AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER

THE HELL IT IS THAT YOU DO.

RIGHT. YEAH.

I MEAN, THAT'S COOL.

Cooper:

OHH. OHH.

OH, REALLY?

MMM.

TAKE THIS OFF.

MMM. MMM, MMM.

OH, YEAH.

TAKE THIS OFF.

TAKE IT OFF.

I WANT TO TAKE YOURS OFF.

TAKE IT OFF.

YOU TAKE YOURS OFF

UNDER THE SHEETS.

OH, YES.

OH!

BE GENTLE.

IT'S MY FIRST TIME.

PULL ON MY LOBES

WHEN YOU DO THAT.

OH, YOU HAVE

GREAT INSTINCTS.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT ABOU YOUR ROOMMATE?

OH, DON'T WORRY.

HE LIKES TO WATCH.

OH.

WELL, JOSH, SO NICE

OF YOU TO JOIN US.

I'M SORRY. I...

M--

SORRY.

NO, MOM,

THE WORK IS FINE.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS,

BECAUSE MIDTERMS

ARE IN 3 WEEKS.

Mom:
UH-HUH.

BUT, YEAH,

EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

ARE YOU SURE, HONEY?

YEAH. REALLY. SUPER.

CAN YOU HOLD ON A SECOND?

HELLO?

Cooper:

JOSH, IT'S ME.

LISTEN, I'M HEADING OVER

TO THE LUCKY PEACH,

AND THERE'S 3 GIRLS

WAITING FOR ME,

BUT I CAN'T THINK OF

ANY GIRLIE THINGS TO SAY,

SO I NEED SOME BACKUP.

DON'T SAY NO.

NO, COOPER.

IF I WAS SOME BORING

OLD PROFESSOR,

YOU WOULDN'T SAY NO.

OUT.

YOU'RE A PAWN, JOSH.

STICK IT TO THE MAN.

THE REVOLUTION:

WILL NOT BE TELEVISED.

BYE.

HI, MOM?

YEAH, THAT WAS COOPER,

AND HE SAID THA HE WANTED ME TO MEET HIM

AT THE LIBRARY,

SO...

I'LL TALK TO YOU

LATER, OK?

Mom:
ALL RIGHT.

I LOVE YOU.

OK. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

BYE.

I NEVER DOUBTED YOU

FOR A SECOND.

ONE DRINK.

ONE DRINK.

THEN I GOT TO GET BACK.

THEN YOU GO TO GET BACK.

OK.

NOW, TRY TO BE

CHARMING, JOSH.

AND DON'T TALK ABOU STUDYING,

BECAUSE, BELIEVE ME,

IT'S A TURNOFF.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

YEP. THIS IS A BAR.

COOPER, I GOT TO GO.

NO, NO, NO,

I SHOULD BE HEADED BACK.

HEY, JOSH.

HEY.

HEY.

WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?

WE'VE BEEN GETTING DRUNK

WITHOUT YOU.

COME ON.

YOU WERE RIGHT. WE

REALLY SHOULD HEAD BACK.

NO.

I CHANGED MY MIND.

HEY, COOPER!

COOPER...

WE FINISHED THE PITCHER.

WE NEED MORE BEER.

SO, HOW'S

EVERYTHING GOING?

WHAT, WITH ME?

MM-HMM.

OH, AWESOME.

YEAH. YEAH.

IF I DIDN'T HAVE

ALL THIS HELLISH WORK

EVERY FRIGGIN' SECOND--

I SHOULD BE HOME.

NO. I KNOW, I KNOW.

I SHOULD BE HOME

WORKING ON MY STORY

FOR MY WRITING CLASS, SO...

HERE YOU GO.

UH-HUH.

ARE YOU ONE OF THEM

DALEMAN KIDS?

NO, NO. I'M A TOWNIE.

YEAH, I WORK AT THE

REFINERY, FACTORY, MILL.

WHAT'S THA ON YOUR SHIRT?

WHAT?

LET'S SEE AN I.D.

THERE YOU GO.

IT'S A BULLSHIT I.D.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS IS NOT MY REAL I.D.

THIS IS MY REAL ONE.

"DR. MOHAMMED RASHID"?

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

THIS ONE?

NAH. NO, NO.

THIS ONE? THIS ONE?

JUST TAKE YOUR BEER.

TAKE YOUR BEER.

IT'S FOR THE GUYS

AT THE MILL.

YEAH.

SO, WHAT'S

YOUR STORY ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT THIS GIRL,

AND SHE'S FROM NEW YORK,

KIND OF LIKE ME,

AND SHE HAS A CRUSH ON THIS GUY

WHO GOES TO HER SCHOOL.

HE'S KIND OF BUMBLING,

KIND OF SHY, BUT, UM...

SHE CAN TELL THERE'S

A LOT MORE GOING ON...

UP HERE. HA HA. HA.

HE'S FROM INDIANA.

REALLY?

I'M FROM INDIANA.

OK.

UH, ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.

LET ME START OVER.

[KRISTIN CLEARS THROAT]

SHUT UP.

THERE'S A GIRL

WHO LIKES A GUY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

Josh:

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Cooper:
WHAT?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO A SINGLE

CLASS SINCE YOU GOT HERE.

COME ON, JOSH,

WHO CARES?

I GET IT.

YOU'RE

A MILLIONAIRE.

YOU PROBABLY GO A FAMILY BUSINESS

TO GO INTO.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAD

DOES FOR A LIVING?

HE CLEANS TOILETS.

COME ON.

AH, HE OWNS THIS MAJOR

TOILET-CLEANING COMPANY.

IT'S BIG.

IT'S HUGE, ACTUALLY.

AND HE IS AN INCREDIBLE...

A**HOLE.

I LIKE TO CALL HIM

FLUSHLES,

THE TOILET-CLEANING CLOWN.

HE LOVES THAT.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA SPEND

THE REST OF MY LIFE

CLEANING TOILETS?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes