Dead Man on Campus Page #3

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SO, WHAT ARE YOU

GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW?

EVERYONE'S SO OBSESSED

WITH THE FUTURE. WHO CARES?

WE SHOULD BE:

THINKING ABOUT NOW,

AND RIGHT NOW:

WE SHOULD BE HAVING FUN.

WELL, FUN IS

A DEAD END, COOPER.

I MEAN, THE GUYS WHO HAD

FUN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL

ARE WORKING:

IN BOWLING ALLEYS

AND DRINKING PAIN THINNER ON THE WEEKENDS.

I GOT TO STAY ON TRACK.

OK, JOSH,

BUT YOU'RE MISSING OUT,

BECAUSE COLLEGE IS

OUR LAST CHANCE TO GO CRAZY.

[VOMITING]

[COUGHING]

Cooper:
YES!

SHE SHOOTS!

SHE SCORES!

DOES ANYONE HAVE

A BREATH MINT?

Rachel:
HEY.

Kristin:
HEY, GUYS.

SO, UM,

I'M GONNA WALK BACK.

UM, DO YOU WANNA

WALK WITH ME?

YEAH.

YEAH?

OF COURSE.

GREAT.

BYE.

THAT WAS FUN.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

YOU KNOW...YOU KNOW.

?? I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS

THAT MAKES ME LOVE YOU SO ??

WELL...GOOD NIGHT.

?? I ONLY KNOW I NEVER

WANNA LET YOU GO ??

IT'S THIS WAY.

?? 'CAUSE YOU

STARTED SOMETHING ??

?? OH, CAN'T YOU SEE ??

?? THAT EVER SINCE WE ME YOU'VE HAD A HOLD ON ME ??

IT'S THIS WAY.

?? IT HAPPENS TO BE TRUE ??

THIS IS:

A REALLY NICE ROOM.

?? I ONLY WANNA

BE WITH YOU ??

I PROBABLY SHOULD, UH--

JOSH.

?? NO MATTER,

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO ??

Rachel:
IT'S THIS WAY.

?? I ONLY WANNA

BE WITH YOU ??

OH, GOOD MORNING.

HI, JOSH.

2, 3...

4, 5...

YOUNG MAN. WHERE

HAVE YOU BEEN?

DO YOU KNOW I WAS UP

ALL NIGHT WORRIED SICK?

DO YOU KNOW:

WHAT TIME IT IS?

I LOVE COLLEGE.

I LOVE EVERYTHING

ABOUT IT.

THE PEOPLE...

THE FREEDOM...

THIS ROOM...

THIS CHAIR.

LOOK AT THIS CHAIR.

YOU HAD SEX LAST NIGHT,

DIDN'T YOU?

THAT'S A NICE SHIRT.

YEAH.

IT WAS SO EASY, COOPER.

I DIDN'T HAVE

TO DO ANYTHING...

TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

IT WAS JUST LIKE...

TIME FOR SEX.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX NOW.

PREPARE FOR SEX.

AND THEN WE SPEN ALL NIGHT TALKING.

JESUS. YOU EVEN

TALKED, TOO?

SHE SAYS I HAVE:

SOULFUL EYES.

OH, YEAH,

YOU REALLY DO.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

SPENDING ALL MY TIME

IN THE LIBRARY.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]

?? I'M ONLY SLEEPING ??

?? I'M ONLY SLEEPING ??

?? DON'T WAKE ME,

DON'T WAKE ME ??

?? I'M ONLY SLEEPING ??

?? DON'T CALL ME,

DON'T WAKE ME ??

?? I'M ONLY SLEEPING ??

PAPERS, JOSH.

[PROFESSOR'S VOICE]

WHERE ARE THE PAPERS?

THE PAPERS, JOSH!

HUH?

PAPERS? THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

PAPERS?

PAPERS. THANK YOU.

PAPERS? THANK YOU.

PAPERS?

THANK YOU.

PAPERS, MISTER.

WAIT JUST--

THANK YOU!

OH.

HEY, HEY.

THERE YOU ARE.

WOW.

WHY THE FUNKY FACE?

WHY? BECAUSE I'M SURE I BOMBED

MY MIDTERMS, THAT'S WHY.

OH, WELL, AT LEAST YOU

SHOWED UP FOR THEM.

I BET YOU THEY GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

YOU. YOU.

WHAT?

YOU NEED TO:

STAY AWAY FROM ME.

YOU'VE BEEN DISTRACTING ME

ALL SEMESTER,

AND NOW I'M F***ED.

JOSH, IS THIS

ABOUT BAD GRADES?

BAD GRADES:

ARE MEANINGLESS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE

PARKING TICKETS.

I MEAN,

THEY MEAN NOTHING.

JUST LAUGH,

BECAUSE THEY'RE SILLY.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SILLY

LITTLE NOTHINGS.

I NEVER FAILED ANYTHING

IN MY LIFE.

STOP RIGHT THERE.

I THINK YOU'RE TURNING

INTO A REALLY GREAT GUY.

AND SO WHAT IF YOUR

ASTROLOGY PROFESSOR

DOESN'T LIKE YOU?

BIG SH*T.

I DON'T TAKE ASTROLOGY.

BIOLOGY, WHATEVER.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, OK?

I GOT WORK TO DO.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[TECHNO MUSIC BLARING]

HEY!

[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

I CAN HEAR MY HEARTBEA THROUGH MY PENIS.

GET THAT OU OF YOUR PANTS!

SO, UH, JOSH, UH,

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HEAD DOWN

TO THE OKTOBERFEST, HUH?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WELL, AT LEAST SOMEBODY

WANTS TO PARTY.

POP.

COME HERE.

OH, I'VE HEARD

SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

WHAT? AM I LEAVING?

EXCUSE US!

DAD.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

IT'S ME...

HI.

FLUSHLES, THE TOILET-

CLEANING CLOWN! HA HA!

YOU GETTING AN:

EDUCATION, HUH, COOP?

YOU GETTING:

MY MONEY'S WORTH?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW

WHAT THE DEAN TELLS ME?

HE TELLS ME THAT YOU

HAVEN'T BEEN IN ONE CLASS

IN 2 MONTHS!

I DON'T THINK THIS COUNTS

AS BONDING, DAD.

IT'S OVER, COOPER.

I KEEP BUYING YOUR WAY

INTO THESE SCHOOLS,

AND YOU KEEP:

SCREWING UP.

IF YOU DON'T PASS

ALL OF YOUR CLASSES,

YOU'RE COMING HOME

WITH ME,

AND YOU'RE GONNA

WORK WITH ME,

BUT NOT IN THE OFFICE.

IN THE FIELD.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL

THE REALLY DISGUSTING JOBS.

HMM.

COOPER. COME ON,

TALK TO ME.

WHAT, JOSH?

HE'S SERIOUS THIS TIME,

ALL RIGHT? YOU HEARD HIM.

HE'S GONNA PULL ME

OUT OF SCHOOL.

AND NOW I'VE GOT TO

PASS ALL MY CLASSES.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHICH ONES I'M TAKING.

THIS IS GONNA:

DRIVE ME TO DRINK.

NO, COOPER.

NO MORE DRINKS,

NO MORE BONG HITS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

THAT CAN SAVE YOU NOW.

WHAT, VALIUM?

NO. STUDYING.

YOU NEED TO STUDY.

WHAT? YOU'RE INSANE.

WHAT? IT'LL BE FUN.

WE'LL READ

OUR BOOKS TOGETHER.

WE'LL MAKE SURE THA WE GO TO OUR CLASSES.

WE'LL QUIZ EACH OTHER.

WE'LL BE STUDY BUDDIES.

NO. I DON'T DO THAT.

THAT'S NOT ME.

WELL, I THINK IT'S

TIME FOR A CHANGE.

HEY, YOU GUYS ROOMMATES?

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU OUGHT TO TALK

TO HENRY OVER THERE.

HE WENT TO DALEMAN.

Cooper:
THAT GUY

WENT TO DALEMAN?

YEAH. HE'S GO A REAL GOOD STORY FOR YOU.

Henry:
YOU SEE,

I HAD A ROOMMATE.

POOR PRICK.

KILLED HIMSELF.

YEAH, OH, YEAH.

I FOUND THE BODY.

HE SLIT HIS WRISTS.

HE SWALLOWED SOME PILLS.

HE PUT A BAG OVER HIS HEAD,

AND HE JUMPED:

FROM THE BRIDGE.

IT WAS A MESS.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

Drunk:
SOME PEOPLE

EAT BUGS. UGH!

RIGHT.

SO WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO

WITH GETTING STRAIGHT A's?

EVERYTHING. YOU SEE,

DALEMAN HAS ALWAYS HAD

A PROBLEM WITH SUICIDE.

Barman:
YOU SEE...

IT SEEMS:

YOU COLLEGE KIDS,

YOU HAVE A REAL KNACK

FOR GOING WACKO.

THEY HAVE A RULE THAT IF

YOUR ROOMMATE KILLS HIMSELF,

YOU GET STRAIGHT A's.

YEAH, THEY DO.

IT'S LIKE

A CONSOLATION PRIZE.

YEAH, IT RELIEVES

TENSION OR SOMETHING.

MY INTESTINES ARE

OVER 2 MILES LONG.

IS THAT TRUE?

Drunk:
YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

NO, NO, NO.

THE RULES.

MMM. YES.

YES.

OH, OK, WELL, YEAH,

THAT MAKES SENSE.

YOU CAN'T BE

EXPECTED TO STUDY

IF YOU'RE GRIEVING

FOR YOUR DEAD ROOMMATE.

I KNOW I COULDN'T STUDY

IF YOU DIED.

YOU CAN'T STUDY NOW.

SO THESE RULES, THEY GOT THEM

WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE?

PROBABLY THE LIBRARY.

THE "LIBARRY," JOSH.

YOU KNOW WHERE THAT IS,

DON'T YOU?

TAKE ME TO THE "LIBARRY."

THIS MUST BE:

A GREAT COLLEGE:

TO HAVE:

ALL THESE BOOKS.

SHH.

[WHISPERING] How are we

gonna find that charter?

HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND

OUR WAY OUT OF HERE?

WILL YOU GROW UP?

[SIGHS]

HERE IT IS.

OH, YOU...

YOU FOUND IT.

WOW. THE COLLEGE CHARTER.

I'M GONNA GO UPSTAIRS

AND STUDY, SO HAVE FUN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

AREN'T YOU EVEN CURIOUS?

NO.

IT'S TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.

DON'T LEAVE ME

DOWN HERE ALONE.

LIBRARIES:

GIVE ME THE CREEPS.

Cooper:

"EACH STUDENT WHO..."

HMM...

WHAT THE...

HOLY SH*T!

HOLY SH*T!

J--LISTEN.

UH, "A STUDEN FOUND TO HAVE DIED

"AS A RESULT OF HIS OWN

WILLFUL ACT WILL...

"ANY OTHER STUDENT RESIDING

IN THE SAME HOUSING UNI "OF SAID STUDENTS

SHALL BE REWARDED GRADES

"OF THE HIGHEST ORDER

REGARDLESS:

OF ACADEMIC STANDING."

WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN?

IS THIS IT?

THAT'S IT.

OH, HO HO.

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