Dead Man on Campus Page #4

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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, WE'VE GO TO COPY THIS.

FOR PROOF.

Cooper:
JOSH!

OH, HEY, JOSH!

Person:
SHH!

Boy:
SHUT UP!

JOSH, WHERE YOU GOING?

LOOK, JOSH, I FINISHED.

I FINISHED COPYING.

IT WASN'T REALLY

THAT HARD.

Person:
SHH!

WOW. LOOK AT ALL

THESE PEOPLE.

SHH!

[WHISPERING]

Right.

[SIGHS]

I'M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF,

IN CASE THAT'S WHA YOU'RE WONDERING.

COME ON.

BE A SPORT.

I MEAN,

YOU'RE F***ED ANYWAY.

AT LEAST THIS WAY,

ONE OF US:

COMES OUT ON TOP.

THEN YOU KILL YOURSELF.

NO, I CAN'T SEE THA WORKING.

LOOK, JUST FORGET IT.

JOSH, PLEASE. ALL I'M

ASKING YOU TO DO--

I'M DONE HELPING YOU.

People:
SHH! QUIET!

JOSH, WAIT.

WHAT ABOUT KYLE?

WHO'S KYLE?

KYLE, OUR OTHER ROOMMATE.

THE ONE FROM:

THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

HE COULD KILL HIMSELF.

IT'S PERFECT.

ARE YOU TALKING:

ABOUT MURDER, COOPER?

'CAUSE IF YOU ARE,

THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.

NO, I AM NO TALKING ABOUT MURDER.

WELL, I DON' WANT TO BE PAR OF YOUR STUPID PLAN,

SO JUST DROP IT.

IT'S SIMPLE.

NO, I MEAN IT.

JUST SHUT THE SH*T UP.

YEAH, BUT ALL YOU--

AW. HO HO HO.

SUICIDAL IMPULSES

COME FROM FEELING POWERLESS

OVER ONE'S PROBLEMS.

SO WHEN SOMEONE:

CALLS DALEMAN'S HOTLINE,

WE MAKE SURE THAT THE CALLER

FEELS IN CONTROL OF THE--

YOUNG MAN, WOULD YOU

PLEASE TAKE A SEAT?

NOW, THE CALLER

SHOULD BE TOLD:

THAT SUICIDE:

IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

SAY THERE'S SOMEONE

REALLY DEPRESSED--

COULD YOU RAISE YOUR HAND?

WELL, YEAH. OK.

SAY THERE'S SOMEONE

REALLY DEPRESSED,

BUT HE MIGHT NO ACTUALLY KILL HIMSELF.

WHY DON'T I ANSWER QUESTIONS

AFTER THE SESSION?

WHAT WOULD PUSH HIM

OVER THE EDGE?

SEND HIM RUNNING

FOR THE RAZORS?

ANYTHING:

COME TO MIND?

WHAT?

OH, HI, JOSH.

COME ON IN.

I GOT A NOTE.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

I JUST WANTED TO

CHECK UP ON YOU,

MAKE SURE YOUR HEAD'S

STILL ABOVE WATER.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW WELL

I DID ON MY MIDTERMS.

I WAS DISTRACTED,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING

BUT STUDY FROM HERE ON OUT.

JUST REMEMBER YOU HAVE

TO KEEP A "B" PLUS AVERAGE

TO KEEP YOUR SCHOLARSHIP.

WHAT?

YOU MUST KEEP:

A "B" PLUS AVERAGE,

OR THEY'LL REVOKE

YOUR SCHOLARSHIP.

NO, NOT MY SCHOLARSHIP.

I MEAN, THEY CAN'T DO THAT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I NEED THAT SCHOLARSHIP.

JOSH, THERE'S NO REASON

TO GET SO WORKED UP.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT AS IF

YOU FAILED YOUR MIDTERMS.

HI, HONEY.

WHAT?

WELL, THANK YOU, SHIRLEY.

YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL.

YES, I'LL LET YOU KNOW

IF THE DOCTOR:

NEEDS THOSE FILES.

ALL RIGHT.

TELL ME, WHAT--

HEY!

THAT WAS RUDE.

WOW, JOSH.

YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

WHY SHOULD I LOOK GOOD?

THESE ARE:

MY MIDTERM SCORES.

AND THESE ARE THE SCORES

THAT I WOULD NEED

TO GET ON MY FINALS

IN ORDER TO KEEP

MY SCHOLARSHIP.

AND THERE'S NO MATHEMATICAL WAY

THAT I CAN GET THESE SCORES.

I WOULD NEED:

4 "A" PLUS PLUS PLUSES.

I'M DOOMED!

WHAT'S THIS DOING HERE?

WELL, SEE, I--

COOPER, WHEN I GOT HERE,

I WAS ON A TRACK.

DO YOU KNOW WHA A TRACK IS? CHALK.

A TRACK IS A BEAUTIFUL,

WONDERFUL THING.

IT'S A GOAL.

IT'S A TRACK.

IT'S ALWAYS MOVING FORWARD

ON A TRACK.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE A TRACK.

I HAVE NOTHING.

I'M DEAD.

YOU'RE LOOKIN'

AT A DEAD MAN.

WELL, THEN YOU'RE IN!

I MEAN, THIS IS GREAT.

GREAT?

WELL, I'M JUST SAYING--

COOPER!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

YOU TAKE THE CAKE!

COOPER! DO YOU KNOW

THAT COOPER? UHH!

OHH! OHH.

YOU'RE OK.

YOU'RE OK, HUH?

HUH? JUST SHAKE IT OFF.

UHH.

NOW, WE HAVE A WAY OUT,

AND IT'S THE BES LOOPHOLE EVER,

AND IT'S GONNA SAVE

BOTH OF OUR ASSES,

SO JUST MELLOW.

HERE, PUT THIS

ON YOUR NOSE.

AH, COOPER.

NO. MY WHOLE VISION

IS RIGHT HERE...

ON THIS BLACKBOARD.

IN WHAT LANGUAGE?

WELL, MY PENMANSHIP'S

KIND OF GONE TO SH*T,

BUT BASICALLY,

HERE IS MR. Z.

WHO'S MR. Z?

MR. Z IS THE MOS SUICIDAL GUY ON CAMPUS.

MR. Z IS THE GUY

WHO'S GONNA KILL HIMSELF

WHETHER HE LIVES

WITH US OR NOT,

SO I FIGURE, HE MIGH AS WELL LIVE WITH US

SO HIS DEATH:

WON'T BE IN VAIN.

NOW, WE FIND HIM A THE MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC,

HE MOVES IN,

HE KILLS HIMSELF,

AND HERE'S YOU KEEPING

YOUR SCHOLARSHIP,

AND HERE'S ME SAYING,

"FLUSH OFF, FLUSHLES."

HA HA HA HA.

LOOK, I HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH

WITHOUT YOU MIND-F***ING ME.

NO, JOSH. I AM NO MIND-F***ING YOU, OK?

I AM SO DEAD SERIOUS.

I AM, LIKE, IN THE ZONE.

COME ON, JOSH!

OH, JOSH.

OH, JOSH.

OK, THE BOTTOM LINE IS

YOU WORK IN:

THE HOUSING OFFICE.

I NEED YOU.

I CAN'T DO I WITHOUT YOU,

SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL

GIVE IT A GO.

WHAT HAVE YOU GO TO LOSE?

FORGET IT, COOPER.

YOUR BRAIN IS:

PERMANENTLY FRIED.

YOU NEED HELP. I WOULD

NEVER IN A BAJILLION YEARS

FOLLOW YOU ON SOME IDIOTIC

WILD-GOOSE CHASE! NEVER!

SAY NO MORE.

I UNDERSTAND, OK?

OH, BY THE WAY,

THERE'S A MESSAGE

FOR YOU ON THE MACHINE.

I THINK IT'S YOUR MOM.

[BEEP]

HI, JOSHIE, IT'S MOM.

YOU SOUNDED SO WORRIED

WHEN I TALKED TO YOU.

LISTEN, HONEY, YOU HAVE

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU'LL

DO WELL IN COLLEGE.

YOU ALWAYS SURPASS

MY EXPECTATIONS.

AND I EXPECT TO SEE

STRAIGHT A's. OK? BYE.

WHO IS MR. Z AGAIN?

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

THERE'S ONE.

THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

OH, YEAH.

COME ON, BABY.

OH, COME TO DADDY.

OH, I GOTCHA. I GOTCHA.

DADDY'S GOTCHA.

JOSH, YOU'RE NO SAYING ANYTHING.

YAY. YIPPEE.

COME ON,

THIS IS GONNA BE EASY.

ONCE WE FIND OU WHO THESE GUYS ARE,

WE'LL STEAL THEIR FILES,

AND WE'LL FIGURE OU WHICH ONE'S THE MOS SUICIDAL OF THEM ALL.

OH, YEAH. THIS GUY

LOOKS REALLY DEPRESSED.

YEAH.

THIS GUY LOOKS TROUBLED.

COOPER?

JOSH, IS THAT YOU?

HOO!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

DOING?

CAN WE HAVE SOME

PRIVACY, PLEASE?

YEAH, YOU GOT IT.

YEAH.

OH.

WOW, THAT WAS CLOSE.

COOPER, THEY PROBABLY THINK

THAT WE'RE MAKING OUT BACK HERE.

I KNOW. THEY'RE TOTALLY

IN THE DARK.

Josh:
OOH!

Cooper:
JOSH!

Josh:
WHERE WE GOING?

Josh:

THIS IS INSANITY.

WE'RE GONNA GE KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL

BEFORE:

WE EVER FLUNK OUT.

HOW WE GONNA FIGURE OU WHO'S REALLY NUTSO

AND WHO'S JUS HAVING A BAD WEEK?

HERE, TAKE THIS ROPE,

HOOK ME UP.

NOW, REMEMBER,

YOUR CODE NAME IS DINAH.

WHAT'S YOURS?

PANTHER.

WHY DO YOU:

GET TO BE PANTHER?

HUH?

JIMMY.

OHH. UHH! AAH!

OH, PLEASE.

UHH! UHH!

A LITTLE HELP HERE.

YEAH, SURE.

NOW, I'M GONNA

WRAP THIS ROPE:

AROUND THIS PIPE

FOR LEVERAGE.

I'M RISKING MY LIFE FOR YOU.

REMEMBER THAT.

I'M LOWERING YOU

12 FEET INTO AN OFFICE.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE

WE NEED ROPE.

OK, KEEP IT SLOW.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GREAT.

KEEP IT RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S PERFECT.

OK, YOU'RE DOING GOOD,

DINAH.

SLOW AND STEADY, DINAH.

Josh:
YEAH.

SLOW AND STEADY.

DINAH!

SLOW AND STEADY!

THAT'S GOOD, DINAH.

SLOW AND STEADY.

WHOA! SLOW! DINAH!

SLOW!

I'M IN.

ENTERING:

NORTH CORRIDOR.

OVER.

BE CAREFUL.

DINAH, I HAVE REACHED

THE FILE ROOM.

I'M NOT DINAH ANYMORE.

I'M COBRA.

WHATEVER.

JESUS CHRIST!

I'M LOST!

I NEED DIRECTIONS.

WHERE DO I GO?

I'M ON IT, I'M ON IT.

ALL RIGHT. HERE IT IS.

GO RIGHT. NO, NO, NO.

GO LEFT INTO THE MIDDLE AISLE

PAST THE NUMBERED SECTION.

DINAH, I THINK I SEE IT.

DINAH, I FOUND IT,

I FOUND THE FILE CABINET.

UHH! IT'S LOCKED.

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