Dead Man on Campus Page #5

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I'LL USE MY JIMMY.

UHH! WHERE'S MY JIMMY?

I GOT YOUR JIMMY

RIGHT HERE.

I NEED MY JIMMY.

NO, JIMMY.

REPEAT, NO JIMMY.

UHH! OHH!

COME ON!

OHH! GOT IT!

[DISPATCH RADIO]

Josh:
HOLY MOLEY!

ABORT. ABORT.

DINAH, REPEAT.

YOU'RE BREAKING UP.

THE SECURITY GUARDS ARE HERE.

YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF THERE.

OH, SH*T!

HEY, YOU!

[WHIMPERS]

HOLD IT!

OHH!

AAH!

GET ME THE F*** OUT OF HERE.

WHERE DO I GO?

SOUTH HALLWAY!

GET OUT OF THERE!

DINAH, SAVE YOURSELF!

WHOA!

WHOA! UHH!

I'M OUT.

[DISTANT SIREN]

OH, YES!

YES! YES!

WE WERE SO VAN DAMME!

COME ON, SAY IT WITH ME.

VAN DAMME!

Both:
VAN DAMME!

VAN DAMME!

VAN DAMME!

ALL RIGHT,

NOW IT'S PATHETIC.

ONE OF THESE GUYS

IS OUR LUCKY MR. Z.

LET'S GET BUSY.

WE'RE REALLY

DOING THIS, COOPER.

I KNOW.

WE'RE SO MOTIVATED.

HELLO.

PROFESSOR DURKHEIM?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

HI. I'M JOSH MILLER.

COME IN, COME IN.

SIT DOWN.

ARE YOU ONE:

OF MY STUDENTS?

NO, NO. I, UH, I WAS

JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

I THOUGHT I'D POP IN.

NOBODY JUST POPS INTO

THE PSYCH DEPARTMENT.

NO, THEY DON'T.

YOU SEEM NERVOUS,

MR. MILLER.

NERVOUS? ME?

NO. JUST HAD A QUESTION.

UM, I DON'T KNOW

HOW TO PUT THIS.

IF, UM, SOMEBODY

WAS REALLY DEPRESSED

AND CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE...

IS THIS:

A PERSONAL QUESTION?

OH, NO.

NO, NO.

I'M JUST CURIOUS.

HMM.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME

ABOUT YOURSELF, JOSH?

WHERE YOU FROM?

Rachel:
HEY, JOSH.

HEY, STRANGER,

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I THOUGHT YOU DIED

OR SOMETHING.

DIED? NO, NO, NO.

NOBODY DIED.

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

UM, SO, HERE IT IS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S MY SHORT STORY.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO READ I WHEN I WAS DONE,

AND I'M DONE, SO...

OH, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

HEY, YOU WOULDN' HAPPEN TO HAVE

A SHORTER SHORT STORY,

WOULD YOU?

JOSH!

HEY, JOSH!

WHAT?

WE NEED TO MAKE SOME

DECISIONS RIGHT NOW.

HEY, RACHEL.

HEY, COOPER.

IN A MINUTE.

NO, RIGHT NOW.

DON'T MAKE ME

COME DOWN THERE.

I GOT TO GO, BUT I

WANT TO SEE YOU.

YOU KNOW,

I THINK ABOUT YOU...

ALL THE TIME.

WELL, WE'LL HANG OUT SOMETIME.

WILL YOU CALL ME?

OH, YEAH.

OK.

JOSH!

I'LL SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

WOULD YOU HURRY UP?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

LOOK, I BORROWED THESE

BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY.

THEY ACTUALLY LET YOU

DO THAT. HERE.

WHAT DID:

YOUR PROFESSOR SAY?

OH. NOT MUCH.

HE THINKS I'M SUICIDAL.

WE HAVE TO CHOOSE

OUR MR. Z RIGHT NOW,

AND THIS GUY--

HE IS IT, MAN.

CLIFF O'MALLEY.

LOOK AT THOSE:

CLOSE-SET EYES,

AND THAT'S DROOL.

THAT IS DEFINITELY DROOL.

I DON'T KNOW.

I LIKE THESE GUYS.

LISTEN TO THIS.

"PATIENT HAS

AN INTENSE DEATH WISH.

SET BED ON FIRE, RECKLESS,

ALCOHOLIC, PSYCHOTIC."

HE'S PERFECT.

HE'S--HE'S--

HE'S YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA THANK ME

WHEN WE FIND HIS

DEAD BODY IN OUR ROOM.

HE'S KIND OF SPOOKY,

COOPER.

HA HA. I'LL TELL YOU

WHAT SPOOKY IS.

SPOOKY IS NO MORE COLLEGE.

THAT'S SPOOKY.

COMPARED TO THAT,

THAT GUY'S MR. BUNNY FOO FOO.

KAPPA OMEGA RULES, BABY!

HEY, JEFF,

WHO AM I, BUDDY?

I'M YOUR SISTER! HA!

LOOK OUT!

OWW!

OK, THIS IS IT, GUYS.

THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

OHH! OHH! OHH!

WHOO HOO!

[LOUD HARD ROCK MUSIC

PLAYING]

WHOO!

HEY, JEFF, GET A LOAD

OF THIS, BUDDY!

KAPPA OMEGA!

HEY, BOYS!

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS

ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

JOSH, WE HAVE

3 WEEKS TILL FINALS.

HE'S OUR ONLY HOPE.

AND HE WANTS TO DIE.

WHY CAN'T HE DIE IN OUR ROOM

WITH HIS NEW BEST FRIENDS?

Cliff:
AAH!

HELP! HELP!

Cliff:
OWW! OH, MY GOD!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

CLIFF?

CLIFF O'MALLEY?

Cliff:
HELP ME!

LOOK OUT BELOW!

[GIRL SCREAMS]

HEY, CLIFF!

WHAT,

DID YOU GET HIT, MAN?

CHILL OUT,

IT'S JUST WATER.

NO, WE JUST CAME HERE

TO TALK TO YOU.

AH...GOOD.

I'M SICK OF THE GODDAMN

WHINERS AT THIS SCHOOL.

[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

SIT.

MY GOD, I'M LIVING

IN A FRAT HOUSE,

AND THESE F***ERS

WANNA KICK ME OU FOR NO OBSERVING QUIET HOURS?

WELL, THEY CAN JUS SUCK MY QUIET COCK!

YOU KNOW, CLIFF,

WE LIKE TO PARTY.

I MEAN, WE PARTY ALL

THE TIME, RIGHT, JOSH?

YEAH, YEAH.

WE PARTY HARD.

REALLY? I GOT SOME BEERS.

LET'S DRINK 'EM, HUH?

HEY.

THAT ONE'S NOT BEER.

[BELCHES]

QUICK, MAN,

KICK ME IN THE JUNK.

COME ON, MAN,

KICK ME IN THE JUNK!

GOD...DAMN,

THAT'S A RUSH!

OHH!

?? MY NAME IS CLIFF ??

?? BROTHER OF JOE ??

?? I GOT ME SOME CRACK ??

?? I WANT ME SOME HOS! ??

?? LET ME HEAR YOU

SAY YEAH ??

YEAH.

?? LET ME HEAR YOU

SAY YEAH! ??

Both:
YEAH.

?? LET ME HEAR YOU

SAY YEAH! ??

I JUST REMEMBERED.

I GOT TO BE SOMEWHERE.

NO. SIT DOWN, JOSH.

NOW, DID YOU SAY

THAT THEY'RE TRYING

TO KICK YOU OUT OF HERE?

BECAUSE ACTUALLY WE HAVE

AN OPEN ROOM WHERE WE LIVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT TO SEE RACHEL.

HEY! YOU GUYS

EVER GET HORNY?

WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHERE

YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS.

'CAUSE I DO, MAN.

I GET THESE URGES SOMETIMES.

I GOTTA HUMP THIS LAMP!

I GOTTA SCREW THIS COUCH!

UHH UHH UHH UHH UHH!

UHH!

HEY!

YOU GUYS KNOW ANY CHICKS

WHO LIKE TO PARTY?

JOSH DOES.

HE'S HEADING OVER

TO A CHICK'S ROOM

RIGHT NOW.

WHY DON'T WE ALL GO?

[FLAPPING TONGUE]

YO, PARKER!

YOUR ASS IS GRASS, MAN.

HEY, KRAUSS,

YOU WANNA PARTY, HUH?

SAY HELLO:

TO MY NEW BUDDIES, BOYS!

HEY, ANY OF YOU WOMEN

WANNA PARTY OR WHAT?

OHH. AHH.

[COUGHS]

Which one of these

chicks is for me?

WHAT?

Which one of these

chicks is for me?

Oh. I don't know.

Cliff, actually,

I think they're all lesbians.

LESBIANS!

YOU GUYS:

ARE F***ING COOL, MAN.

HEY, LESBOS,

HOW'S IT HANGIN'?

NICE ROOM.

WOW.

WHICH ONE OF YOU

PAINTED THIS PICTURE?

I--I DID?

OHH. IT'S SO SMOOTH.

HEY. WHO WANTS

TO DO A BONG HIT?

HOW ABOUT...

YOU!

[GASPS]

[FLAPPING

TONGUE]

HERE, I'LL LIGHT IT.

THAT'S OK.

I SAID I'LL LIGHT IT!

OK.

I'M A GENTLEMAN.

FIRE! FIRE!

AAH!

AAH!

OOH! OOH!

WHOA!

Rachel:
OH, MY GOD,

SHE'S ON FIRE!

HEY! LOOK OUT OF THE WAY!

I GOT IT!

MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!

NO! NO!

GET OFF ME!

GET OFF ME!

SHE'S BURNING!

GODDAMN IT!

[GROANS]

UH...

I GUESS A BLOW JOB'S

OUT OF THE QUESTION.

[CHUCKLES]

THIS IS YOUR IDEA

OF HANGING OUT?

WHERE DID YOU:

FIND THIS GUY?

WHAT?

YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?

HA. NO. JOSH, HE SE LUCY'S HAIR ON FIRE.

HE'S PSYCHOTIC.

WELL, HE'S

AN ACQUIRED TASTE.

HEY, GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET IT.

'CAUSE WHENEVER

I'M ON FIRE,

I REMEMBER TO STOP,

DROP, AND ROLL.

YOU DON'T JUST STAND THERE

SCREAMING LIKE SOME CHICK!

YEAH. DON' WORRY ABOUT IT.

I THINK I REALLY SCREWED UP

IN THERE WITH RACHEL.

HEY,

SCREW THOSE CHICKS, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHA WE OUGHT TO DO?

WE OUGHT TO GO INTO TOWN

AND GET US:

A COUPLE OF HOOKERS, HUH?

I KNOW JUST THE HOOKER, TOO.

HER NAME'S CARL.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

I'M DRIVING.

LET'S GO.

COME ON!

Cliff:
WHOO HOO!

GOING TO FIND CARL,

GOING TO FIND CARL.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY

SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING.

MY LICENSE WAS REVOKED.

Cooper:
REALLY?

FOR WHAT?

ATTEMPTED:

VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER.

THAT'S GOOD.

WHATEVER THE F***

THAT MEANS.

WHOO!

[HORN HONKS]

WHOO HOO!

I LOVE THAT!

NOTHING LIKE A GOOD GAME

OF CHICKEN, BOYS!

HA HA.

WHOO!

WHOO!

WHY ARE WE STOPPED?

YEAH, WHY ARE WE STOPPING?

JOSH, WOULD YOU BE SO KIND

AS TO ASK THE OFFICER

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