Dead Man on Campus Page #6

---

WHERE I-95 IS?

Cooper:
JOSH.

YEAH, SURE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR?

WE WERE JUST WONDERING

IF YOU COULD INFORM US--

HEY.

DO I SMELL A PIG?

DUDE,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY, PIG!

[SNORTING]

Cooper:
THAT'S ENOUGH.

HEY, LITTLE PIGGIES!

Cooper:

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

ALL RIGHT, PIGGIES!

Josh:
OHH!

NO! NO!

Cooper:
AAH!

HEY, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN

A HIGH-SPEED CHASE BEFORE?

IT'S INTENSE!

[SIREN]

BRING IT ON, BACON!

OH, CLIFF!

WAIT! I GO A DAMN GOOD IDEA.

[OPENS GLOVE COMPARTMENT]

THEY HATE I WHEN YOU DO THIS.

Cooper:
THAT'S A GUN.

THAT'S A GUN!

THAT'S A GUN!

OWW!

COME ON, COPPER!

HEY, GUYS, I THINK

WE'RE LOSING THEM!

[GUNFIRE]

HEY, GUYS!

Cliff:

YOU GODDAMN PUSSIES!

OOH!

OHH!

[MOANS]

YOU OK?

THIS IS THE LAST TIME

I LISTEN TO YOU.

WHAT?

Josh:

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

WE'LL JUST HITCHHIKE

OUR WAY BACK TO CAMPUS.

JOSH, STICK OUT YOUR THUMB,

OR THEY WON'T SEE YOU.

GOT THE PUCK.

COME ON, COME ON.

YEAH!

HIT ME! HIT ME!

I'M OPEN!

YEAH!

OH.

FELLAS,

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

HOW'S IT GOING?

ALL RIGHT.

I THINK THEY'RE HAVING

A LITTLE LOVERS QUARREL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE SAW THEM MAKING OU IN THE BUSHES THE OTHER DAY.

BULLSHIT.

Josh:
LOOK, NEITHER OF US

HAVE EVER DONE ANYTHING

LIKE THIS BEFORE,

SO IF WE'RE GONNA

GO THROUGH WITH IT,

I WANT US TO BE SAFE!

Cooper:
WELL, FINE.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU AND I

WERE TIGHT BACK THERE.

JUST DON'T EVER

PULL OUT ON ME AGAIN.

I PULLED OUT BECAUSE

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

I'M TAKING OVER

FROM HERE.

YOU KNOW, JOSH,

YOU ARE SO ANAL!

HERE'S OUR MAN.

BUCKLEY SCHRANK.

HE'S PARANOID, DELUSIONAL,

SUICIDAL URGES,

ATTEMPTED TO GIVE HIMSELF

A LOBOTOMY.

YEAH, BUT--

NO, DON'T BUT ME.

HE'S MY GUY. HE'S GREAT.

WE'VE GOT 2 WEEKS TO MOVE HIM

IN AND PUSH HIM OVER THE EDGE.

LET'S AT LEAS CHECK HIM OUT FIRST.

FINE.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

YAAH!

HEY, MAN. WHA ARE YOU WORKING ON?

NOTHING. STUFF.

WHY?

LOOKS INTERESTING.

IT'S NOT.

YOU LIKE:

COMPUTERS?

NO.

UH, MAYBE. WHY?

YOU A COMPUTER:

SCIENCE MAJOR?

NO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHO ARE YOU?

JOSH.

COOPER.

GOING...

TO LUNCH.

I GOT A CLASS.

COMING THROUGH.

EXCUSE ME. BYE-BYE.

HA HA! TAKE CARE.

TIME IS MONEY.

I'M A BUSY BEAVER.

VERY BUSY BEAVER.

AAH!

ALL RIGHT. OK.

STAND BACK. STAND BACK.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Buckley:
MOVE IT!

Girl:
HI, GUYS.

[SIGHS]

THOUGHT YOU SAID

YOU HAD A CLASS.

NO, IT'S JUST--

Cooper:

YOU LIED TO US.

WATCH OUT!

WATCH OUT!

PEOPLE ON THIS CAMPUS

ARE TRYING TO KILL ME.

WHAT?

MY COUSIN VIRGIL

IS MAKING BOMBS--

ARE YOU FINISHED?

NO. NO.

NO, I'M NOT.

NO, THANK YOU. NO!

BRING IT ON!

IT'S OK, IT'S OK.

WHAT'S IN HERE,

STRYCHNINE?

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

MY THERAPIS SAYS I'M PARANOID.

I--I GOT PROOF.

HE'S BEEN CO-OPTED.

THE SOIL IS NOT CLEAN,

AND DON'T THINK I'M WRONG.

HEADS UP! HEADS UP!

LOOK OUT!

DIRTY SOIL!

DIRTY! DIRTY!

MY GUY.

MY GUY. YEP.

WE'RE GONNA

MOVE HIM IN TODAY.

[WALKING IN THE DARK

PLAYING]

HEY!

WHO IS IT?

IT'S COOPER.

REMEMBER ME?

YEAH. I'M BUSY,

SO GO AWAY.

LET ME IN:

BEFORE THEY SEE ME.

BEFORE WHO SEES YOU?

I THINK I'M

BEING FOLLOWED.

YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED.

OH, GOD. COME ON!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE YOU IN SOME TROUBLE?

LISTEN, KURT COBAIN

DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

HE'S NOT EVEN DEAD.

HE AND VINCE FOSTER ARE

LIVING NEAR MOUNT ST. HELENS.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

WHY?

IT'S NOT THEIR IDEA. THEY'RE

BEING BLACKMAILED INTO IT.

BUT THE MAN RESPONSIBLE

IS SO RICH,

SO POWERFUL,

HE'LL STOP AT NOTHING

TO MAKE SURE THIS

STAYS SUPPRESSED.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT!

BILL GATES.

BILL GATES? WHAT DOES

HE WANT FROM YOU?

MY BRAIN. HE'S ALREADY

GOT HALF OF IT.

I FELL ASLEEP:

AT NEWARK AIRPORT,

AND NOW I'M THIS CLOSE

TO TAKING MY OWN LIFE

SO I CAN STOP:

THE APOCALYPSE.

WELL, SURE, YEAH.

THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WE HAVE AN EMPTY ROOM

IN OUR DORM.

THEY'LL NEVER

FIND YOU IN THERE.

OH, GOD.

THANKS, BROTHER.

SURE, BROTHER.

[SNIFFS]

I THINK THEY MAY BE

SPRAYING THIS BUILDING

WITH CHEMICALS.

[SNIFF SNIFF]

NEUTRINO BEAMS.

THEY'RE TRYING TO ATTRAC MY BRAIN CELLS MAGNETICALLY.

AAH!

AAH!

Rachel:
EXCUSE ME, SIR?

COULD YOU--

JOSH, IS THAT YOU?

OH!

UH, EXCUSE ME!

LOOK OUT!

OK...

Josh:
WELL,

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

WE'LL BE RIGHT IN HERE.

AND LATER, YOU MAY EVEN

WANT TO TRY THE CHAIR.

I KNEW MY GUY:

WAS GONNA WORK.

WAS I RIGHT?

I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU.

HE'S GOOD.

OF COURSE HE'S GOOD.

HE'S THE BEST. HE'S MY GUY.

I LOVE MY GUY.

THIS IS TURNING OU PRETTY GOOD.

NOT THAT YOU:

PICKED A BAD GUY.

HE JUST TURNED OUT TO BE

A COMPLETE MANIAC.

TALK ABOU MISSING LINKS.

PROBABLY SCIENTISTS OU LOOKING FOR HIM RIGHT NOW.

DUDES!

AAH!

GUYS, YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT.

THE COPS ARE AFTER ME.

I MEAN, I WAS

JUST OUT DRIVING ALONG,

THEY PULLED ME OVER,

I WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS...

I NEED A PLACE TO CRASH.

HEY...

THIS ROOM'S DECENT.

YEAH! THIS IS

GONNA BE SWEET!

UNH!

HEY...A MATH AWARD.

I KNEW YOU GUYS:

WERE SMAR WHEN YOU BAILED

OUT OF THE CAR.

I DIDN'T WANT TO JUMP,

BUT JOSH, HE WAS--

HEY!

LOOK. I TOOK

A BULLET WOUND FOR YOU.

.38 AT CLOSE RANGE, HUH?

HOW DOES IT LOOK?

UH, IT'S A LITTLE RED.

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

THE COPS!

SHH!

[WHISPERING]

I'm not here.

COME ON.

AAH!

OH, I'M SORRY.

SHH. WHAT?

HEY, CAN I USE

THE BATHROOM?

IN A MINUTE.

YOW! THANKS.

CLIFF, GOTTA HIDE.

YEAH. IN THE CLOSET!

CLOSET?

OH!

DOOR!

COME ON, LET'S GO.

WOW. BIG CLOSET.

JOSH! COOPER!

GUYS!

HEY!

YOU NEED SOME HELP?

NO!

CLIFF.

ZEKE!

ZEKE!

CLIFF O'MALLEY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

I THOUGH YOU WERE DEAD!

NO. THIS CLOSE, THOUGH.

[STAMMERING]

HOW YOU BEEN?

GOOD. GOT SHOT.

OH, GOD!

WAIT!

YOU EVER GET HORNY?

[STAMMERING]

GREAT! I KNOW THIS CHICK

NAMED CARLA,

AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

YOU WANT TO MEET HER?

COME ON!

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS CHICK,

I SWEAR TO GOD!

YOU LIKE TO DRINK?

YOUR GUY. MY GUY.

YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

[KNOCKS]

HEY, THERE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

LISTEN, COOPER TOLD ME ABOU THE WHOLE CONSPIRACY THING.

OH, FART!

NOW YOU'RE IN DANGER.

YOU KNOW, WHEN

I GET STRESSED OUT,

I CALL:

THE SUICIDE HOT LINE.

[RING]

SUICIDE HOT LINE.

HI. UM, I THINK I'M

HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE

THE PROBLEM?

YOU SEE, IT'S

HARD TO EXPLAIN,

BUT I'M VERY FRIGHTENED.

YOU...SHOULD BE.

WHO IS THIS?

IT'S ME, BUCKLEY.

BILL.

YEAH. BILL GATES.

NO! NO, GOD! PLEASE!

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

YOUR BRAIN, BUCKLEY.

YOUR BRAIN!

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE

TO COME AND GET IT!

Buckley:
THEN

THEY'LL BE FREAKS!

Cooper:
HOW IS HE?

WHO? MY GUY?

MY GUY IS FREAKING OUT.

MY GUY WON'T COME OU OF HIS ROOM.

MY GUY IS GOING:

TO KILL HIMSELF.

HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GONNA

REMIND ME HE'S YOUR GUY?

MY GUY, MY GUY, MY GUY.

I GUESS 3 TIMES.

Buckley:
YOU CAN DO IT.

OH, GOD! OH, NO!

OH, MY F***ING GOD!

Cooper:
GREAT.

OH, HEY! OH, HEY,

WHAT'S UP, RACHEL?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes