Dead Man on Campus Page #7

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I JUST CAME BY TO SEE WHA YOU THOUGHT OF MY STORY

'CAUSE I GOTTA

TURN IT IN TOMORROW.

OH, YEAH.

IT WAS GREAT.

I WAS TELLING COOPER

ALL ABOUT IT.

HOW DID I PUT IT, COOP?

UH, YOU--YOU SAID I WAS F***ING HILARIOUS.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HILARIOUS.

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY.

WERE YOU LAUGHING AT IT?

OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

THE TRUTH IS ACTUALLY, RACHEL,

I DIDN'T READ IT YET.

WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, JOSH?

WE MAKE PLANS TO HANG OUT,

YOU BRING SOME PSYCHO

BY MY ROOM:

WHO SETS LUCY'S HAIR ON FIRE

AND THEN I NEVER

HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.

I'M SORRY, RACHEL.

I'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY,

AND I'M KIND OF

IN THE MIDDLE OF--

KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE ACTING

LIKE A REAL JERK,

SO I'LL JUST SEE YOU LATER.

RACHEL, WAIT!

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN SO HARD

TO READ THAT STORY, JOSH?

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

WELL, THE PAMPHLETS

SAY IT'S CRUCIAL

TO KEEP ALL INSTRUMENTS

OF SELF-DESTRUCTION

AWAY FROM:

THE SUICIDAL PERSON,

SO I RAN OUT AND

BOUGHT ALL THIS STUFF.

SHH! DID YOU HEAR THAT?

TAKE THIS ROPE.

WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

TIE IT IN A NOOSE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW.

[SIGHS]

[URINATING]

OH, HO.

OH, THAT'S PRICELESS.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

WE'RE THE HARDY BOYS

FROM HELL.

SHH.

Josh:
[WHISPERING]

Shh! Cut it out.

KONNICHI WA!

HEY, BUCKLEY.

WHAT'S WITH THE KNIFE?

AAH!

WE CAN EXPLAIN!

CALL 911! CALL 911!

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS

WERE MY FRIENDS!

GET BACK!

BUCKLEY.

YOU'RE IN ON IT?

YOU'RE WITH BILL GATES?

NO. NO.

WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS.

WE LIKE YOU.

OH, MY GOD!

YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME.

THIS IS GREAT!

Josh:
NO.

OF COURSE, NOT.

YES! IT'S THE SUIT!

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!

IT'S NOT IN MY HEAD!

DUDE,

THOSE GUYS ARE FREAKS!

AAH! I'M GONNA TELL EVERYONE

AND YOU'LL NEVER GET LAID!

WHOO! YES! I'M NOT CRAZY!

IT'S HAPPENING! GET ALL

YOUR GEAR AND FOLLOW ME!

HA HA! I'M NOT CRAZY!

WELL, SO MUCH

FOR YOUR GUY.

LOOK AT ALL THESE

HAPPY PEOPLE STUDYING.

I HATE THEM.

FINALS ARE IN A WEEK

AND WE'RE DOOMED.

OH, GOD. OH, LOOK,

THERE'S MY ADVISOR.

SHE'S TALKING TO

THAT PSYCH PROFESSOR.

THEY'RE PROBABLY

TRYING TO KICK ME OUT.

WHAT WAS I THINKING

LISTENING TO YOU?

JOSH, YOU KNOW WHA WE NEED TO DO?

GET STONED.

ALL MY GREAT IDEAS

COME TO ME:

WHEN I'M BAKED

OUT OF MY SKULL.

WHEN HAVE YOU HAD

A GREAT IDEA, HUH?

IT'S OVER. I'M OUT.

YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING SOMEWHERE I'LL

NEVER RUN INTO YOU. CLASS.

[SIREN]

Girl:
HURRY UP!

OVER HERE.

Boy:
RIGHT THERE,

MAN.

Girl:
SOMEBODY'S

IN TROUBLE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE WAS THROWING WATER

BALLOONS OUT THAT WINDOW

AND THEN HE JUST FELL.

EXCUSE ME. OH, NO.

HE'S DEAD!

[GASPING]

COME HERE. COME HERE.

OH, MY GOD,

WHAT A TRAGEDY.

I KNOW.

WE WERE SO CLOSE.

COOPER, JEEZ.

POOR GUY. I MEAN,

HE WAS SUCH A...FREAK.

WAIT! HEY, HE'S BREATHING.

HE'S ALIVE.

OHH. WHERE DO YOU GUYS

GET THIS SH*T?

DO YOU KNOW WHA THIS MEANS?

THIS MEANS WE WERE

ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

WE CAN'T GIVE UP NOW,

ONE WEEK BEFORE FINALS.

I GOT ONE MORE GUY.

WE GET HIM TO OPEN UP A VEIN,

AND WE'RE GOLDEN.

HERE HE IS. MATT NOONAN.

DEPRESSIVE, DEATH FIXATION,

CONSTANT THREATS OF SUICIDE.

OK, NO DICK-SMACKING AROUND.

LET'S GET HIM IN THE ROOM

AND SEND HIM ON HIS WAY

TO THE NETHERWORLD.

Josh:
HERE HE COMES!

HERE HE COMES! SIT!

HEY!

HEY!

YOU MUST BE:

OUR NEW ROOMMATE.

NEED ANY HELP:

MOVING IN YOUR STUFF?

[BRITISH ACCENT]

I'M WEARING MY STUFF.

OH.

[PLAYING GUITAR]

?? MY WORDS ARE MY SPERM ??

?? SPEWING FORTH MY-- ??

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WELL, WHAT THE F***

DO YOU TWO WANT?

ARE YOU:

A MUSICIAN?

ARE YOU IN A BAND?

KISS MY ASS.

WHAT?

WHAT?

THAT'S THE NAME

OF THE BLEEDIN' BAND.

OH.

YOU'RE GONNA PLAY

THE BIG PRE-FINALS

PARTY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF I'M STILL AROUND.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AND WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?

F***ING KURT LODER?

CAN YOU PISS OFF AND

SHUT MY F***ING DOOR?

OH.

PISS OFF!

OH, PISS OFF.

COME ON.

WHAT THE HELL:

DOES "PISS OFF" MEAN?

1, 2, 3, 4.

?? MY WORDS ARE MY SPERM ??

?? SPEWING FORTH

MY TRAGIC GERM ??

?? I'M MR. PARIAH,

A SAD MESSIAH-- ??

STOP!

PLEASE, GUYS, COME ON!

MATT, THAT WAS

BITCHIN', MAN.

PRACTICE IS OVER BECAUSE

THIS MUSIC IS CRAP.

IT'S TOTAL CRAP.

WELL, WANT TO GE SOMETHING TO EAT?

NO. I'M NOT HUNGRY.

YOU CAN PISS OFF.

GO. THANK YOU. LOVELY.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

LOVELY. OFF YOU GO.

[CLAPPING]

GOOD ONE.

YEAH, YOU GUYS

REALLY ROCK.

REALLY? MAYBE SOMEDAY

I'LL BE FORTUNATE ENOUGH

TO ENTERTAIN MILLIONS

OF SUBURBAN TEENY-BOPPERS.

MAKE MUSIC VIDEOS!

WON'T THAT BE "GROOVY"?

F*** IT ALL.

TV:
HA HA! THAT'S WHA I THOUGHT YOU SAID!

[CARTOON NOISES]

TV:
DON'T WORRY. THAT'LL

COME OUT WITH CLUB SODA.

[LAUGHTER]

OOH! OUCH! CALL A DOCTOR.

I DON'T THINK HE KNEW

IT WAS COMING.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

AFTER THIS.

[MATT CHUCKLING]

[CARTOON NOISES]

AHEM.

WHAT THE HELL?

WERE YOU JUST WATCHING TV?

NO!

I HEARD YOU LAUGHING.

LAUGHING?

YEAH. I'M A REAL BIG

LAUGHER. PISS OFF!

JOSH! JOSH!

JOSH! WAKE UP!

WHAT IS IT?

I'M WORRIED.

I DON'T THINK THIS GUY'S

WHO WE THINK HE IS.

WHAT? DIDN'T YOU HEAR

WHAT HE SAID BEFORE?

"IF I'M STILL AROUND."

THAT MEANS:

HE MIGHT NOT BE AROUND.

AROUND MEANING "ALIVE."

HE MIGHT NOT BE ALIVE.

BUT I DON'T THINK

HE'S THAT DEPRESSED.

THIS GUY HAS WHA IT TAKES, COOPER.

YOU KNOW, I'M THIS CLOSE TO

LETTING YOU GET YOUR OWN GUY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I NEED A BREATH:

OF FRESH AIR.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

THAT'S ENOUGH AIR.

I NEED MY BONG.

NO. WE HAVE 3 DAYS.

YOU NEED TO FOCUS.

YOU NEED TO FOCUS.

GIMME THAT.

ARE YOU INSANE?!

HEY! STAY BACK!

WHAT?

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!

NO MORE DRINKS!

NO MORE BONG HITS!

COME ON, YOU IDIOT !

THIS IS FOR YOU,

COOPER!

UNH!

I'M DOING THIS

FOR YOU!

NO, JOSH, NO!

WHY?

IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

I SAY WE MURDER HIM.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY.

HELLO.

HEY, MAN.

DO YOU MIND:

IF I COME IN?

NO. COME ON IN.

THANK YOU.

Cooper:

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

I FEEL LIKE CRAP.

FEELS LIKE CRAP.

I'VE BEEN HAVING

THESE CREEPY DREAMS LATELY.

KISS MY ASS PLAYED

THE PRE-FINALS PARTY,

AND THEN AFTERWARD,

I PUT A GUN IN MY MOUTH...

AND I PULLED THE TRIGGER.

BAM!

BAM!

IT'S SO REALLY REAL.

IF IT'S SO REALLY REAL,

I DON'T THINK YOU'D GE THAT SECOND SHOT OFF.

NO, I SUPPOSE NOT.

I THINK I HEARD:

A CRY FOR HELP.

DIDN'T YOU?

WELL...I GUESS I DID.

ALL RIGHT THEN.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

YES! YES!

I'M GETTING STRAIGHT-As!

I'M GETTING STRAIGHT-As!

SEE YOU AT THE PARTY!

AND, PROFESSOR!

PROFESSOR, YOU'RE THE BEST!

HEY, GUYS. HEY!

OOH! OOH! YEAH!

PIZZA! HOW IS HE?

HE'S BEEN IN

HIS ROOM ALL DAY.

I HAVE A REALLY GOOD

FEELING ABOUT THIS.

MAYBE HE'S DEAD ALREADY.

HEY. WHAT ARE

YOU GUYS UP TO?

NOTHING.

NOTHING.

?? IN THE AFTERLIFE ??

?? YOU COULD BE HEADED

FOR THE SERIOUS STRIFE ??

?? NOW YOU MAKE THE SCENE

ALL DAY ??

?? BUT TOMORROW

THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY ??

BATHROOM.

?? IN THE AFTERLIFE ??

?? YOU COULD BE HEADED

FOR THE SERIOUS STRIFE... ??

NOW, REMEMBER, IF HE'S

HANGING FROM HIS NOOSE,

TRY TO ACT SURPRISED.

JESUS CHRIS ALMIGHTY.

WE'RE JUS CHECKING UP ON YOU.

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