Dead Man on Campus Page #8

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HEARD YOU GUYS WERE

A COUPLE OF PERVERTS.

[BAND PLAYING]

THIS LAST ONE:

IS CALLEDSPERM.

?? MY WORDS ARE MY SPERM ??

?? SPEWING FORTH

MY TRAGIC GERM ??

?? I'M DYING TO KISS YOU ??

?? I SOIL THE TISSUE ??

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

KEEP ON EYE ON HIM.

?? AND EVERYTHING'S SWELL ??

?? SUICIDE'S FREE ??

?? NEARING THE END ??

?? SUICIDE'S FREE ??

?? NEARING THE END ??

HE'S SO INTENSE.

ENJOY HIM WHILE:

YOU STILL CAN.

WHAT'S THA SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

?? NEARING THE ??

END.

[GLASS BREAKS]

[APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS AMAZING.

FULLY.

I LOVED IT.

WHATEVER.

I LIKED THAT.

YEAH.

LUCY, YOUR WIG.

?? WHAT GOOD IS SITTING

ALONE IN YOUR ROOM? ??

??

?? COME HEAR THE MUSIC PLAY

?? LIFE IS A CABARET-- ??

OH, F*** ME!

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

WHAT? NOTHING!

DON'T TELL ME NOTHING!

YOU WERE SINGING A SHOWTUNE!

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I'D NEVER DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T BE SUICIDAL IF

YOU'RE SINGING SHOWTUNES!

WHAT?! I AM SUICIDAL!

YOU'RE NO EVEN DEPRESSED!

OF COURSE I'M DEPRESSED!

LOOK AT ME!

I'M VERY F***ING DEPRESSED!

YOU F***ING POSER!

[LOSES ACCENT]

HEY, MAN, I AM NOT--OH!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN BRITISH!

MMM!

OH, GOD!

HE'S NOT EVEN BRITISH!

[MUSIC BLARING]

EXCUSE ME.

COULD I TALK TO HER

FOR A SECOND?

IT'S OK.

PLEASE?

I'VE BEEN FLAKING OU ON YOU, AND I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT INTERESTED

IN YOUR EXCUSES.

DID YOU THINK I'D WAIT AROUND

TILL YOU FOUND TIME FOR ME?

WAIT!

RACHEL, COOPER AND I--

NO, JOSH, I LIKED YOU.

I REALLY DID.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE

A REALLY GREAT GUY.

I WAS JUST WRONG.

NO. YOU WEREN'T WRONG.

I REALLY LIKE YOU,

AND I'M A GREAT GUY.

Buckley:

PEOPLE! I HAVE A RED ALERT!

ATTENTION!

THIS IS AN EVIL MAN!

HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

HE'S GOT FILES ON EVERYBODY.

HE'S TRYING TO CREATE

A ONE-WORLD GOVERNMENT.

HE'S BAD NEWS, BABY.

IF YOU SEE THAT GUY,

KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!

HEY, JOSH! JOSH!

I RAN BACK TO THE ROOM

AND GOT MATT'S YEARBOOK.

HERE'S MARILYN MANSON

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I'M GONNA F***ING

KILL HIM.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

HEY, FELLAS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S WRONG?

LONG STORY.

YOU GUYS, I KNOW

WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU DO?

YOU'RE HAVING

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS.

NO, IT'S MORE

COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

I GOT YOU. I'M REAL

TIGHT WITH MY UNCLE.

HE'S GAY LIKE YOU GUYS.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

I AM COOL WITH IT.

WE ALL ARE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YEAH.

IT'S COOL.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M

A GAY TOILET CLEANER.

GUESS I'LL

GO HOME AND PACK.

SORRY ABOUT YOUR BONG.

AH, IT'S OK.

Josh:
CHEER UP, MAN.

LET'S GO TO PICKLE'S.

I'LL USE HIS BLENDER,

MAKE US SOME DRINKS.

PINA COLADA? MAI TAI?

MARGARITA.

MARGARITA IT IS.

[KNOCKING]

HEY, PICKLE, MIND IF WE MAKE

OURSELVES SOME MARGARITAS?

UM, NO, GO AHEAD.

IT'S IN THE BLENDER.

THANKS.

AHH, I'M GONNA MISS COLLEGE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

WE HAD FUN,

DIDN'T WE?

YEAH, WE DID.

I WAS GONNA END UP BEING

A TOILET CLEANER ANYWAY.

WHAT AM IGONNA DO NOW?

WELL...

YOU CAN COME WORK

WITH ME AND FLUSHLES.

YOU CAN BE THIRD IN

THE SH*T-CLEANING COMMAND.

HMM. WHAT IS THIS?

"GOOD-BYE. CAN'T TAKE IT.

I'M SORRY"?

OH, SH*T.

OH, SH*T.

OH, SH*T!

SH*T!

WHAT? WHAT?

HE'S COMMITTED

SUICIDE.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

HE WAS DEPRESSED.

DON'T YOU SEE? THIS IS

THE HAND OF GOD HERE.

IT'S WHAT I'VE PRAYED FOR.

THIS IS A MIRACLE.

PICKLE...DEAD.

WE'VE GOT TO MOVE FAST.

GO TO HOUSING.

FILE THE PAPERWORK.

JUST GET THE FILES WORKED OUT.

GO ON, JOSH, PLEASE!

IT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN

WORKING FOR! WE'RE SET!

WHAT THE HELL:

IS GOING ON?!

I LIVE HERE!

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT? KYLE!

NO, NO, NO.

THEY MOVED YOU OUT.

SORRY, BUDDY, THEY MOVED

SOMEBODY ELSE IN

SO...SAYONARA.

[KNOCKING]

WHO IS IT?

WHERE ARE MY POSTERS

AND WHO ARE THOSE 2 PEOPLE

F***ING IN MY ROOM?!

THERE'S PEOPLE F***ING

IN YOUR ROOM?

Matt:
OH, SH*T!

COME ON!

THOSE GUYS.

THEY THREW:

YOUR STUFF OU AND SAID TO TELL YOU

TO GO F*** YOURSELF.

KELLY...

COULD YOU WAIT OUT HERE

FOR A COUPLE SECONDS?

I GOTTA...THANKS, BABY.

GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

Matt:
YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT.

THIS IS MY ROOM.

COOPER, TELL HIM

I'M YOUR ROOMMATE.

MY ROOMMATE IS:

A DEPRESSIVE ROCK STAR.

YOU ARE A CANDY ASS,

SHOWTUNE-SINGING CHEERLEADER.

YOU'RE DEAD.

Matt:
THAT'S MY GUITAR!

OFF WE GO.

LOVELY. LOVELY.

[GUITAR SMASHES]

[SCUFFLING]

COME ON, PICKLE.

COME ON. THROW UP FOR ME.

JOSH, WHA ARE YOU DOING?

COME ON.

LET'S GET THOSE PILLS UP.

[PICKLE COUGHS]

Medic:
COMING THROUGH.

WATCH IT.

Cooper:
WHAT THE HELL?

COOPER, HE WAS ALIVE.

I COULDN'T LET HIM DIE.

THIS IS WHAT WE'VE

BEEN WORKING FOR, JOSH.

THIS WAS OUR LOOPHOLE.

DON'T YOU HAVE ENOUGH BRAINS

TO RECOGNIZE A LOOPHOLE?

THE ONLY LOOPHOLE

I EVER RECOGNIZED

WAS YOU GOT A RICH DADDY

WHO BUYS YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE.

OH! OH!

CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.

NOW YOU CAN GO BACK

TO INDIANA AND SPEND

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

IN A BOWLING ALLY.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

PEOPLE WHO MAKE I IN THIS WORLD HAVE GUTS.

OBVIOUSLY:

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY.

?? MAMA GRIPPED ONTO

THE MILKMAN'S HAND ??

?? AND THEN

SHE FINALLY GAVE BIRTH ??

?? YEARS GO BY,

AND STILL I DON'T KNOW ??

?? WHO SHALL

INHERIT THIS EARTH ??

?? AND NO ONE

WILL KNOW MY NAME ??

?? UNTIL IT'S ON A STONE ??

?? WHOA-OA-OA ??

?? THIS COULD BE OUR... ??

Hank:
DUDE, THERE'S

SOME GUY OUT ON THE BRIDGE!

IT'S THAT GUY JOSH!

Boy:
JOSH IS ON THE BRIDGE!

HE'S GONNA JUMP!

[SIREN]

SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!

GET A LIGHT UP THERE!

Cooper:
JOSH!

JOSH, WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M JUST LOOKING

FOR A WAY OUT.

SERIOUSLY, COME DOWN.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

MY LIFE'S OVER.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE

OFF YOUR TRACK?

OH, COME ON, JOSH.

WHO CARES?

THAT'S SO F***ING STUPID.

ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

NO!

SHH!

Cooper:

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND.

MAYBE YOU WERE ON

THE WRONG TRACK, JOSH,

BUT IT'S OK, BECAUSE

NOW YOU CAN FIGURE OU WHAT YOU'RE

REALLY SUPPOSED TO DO.

WHAT? BECOME

A TOTAL FAILURE?

NO. NO.

YOU KNOW...

I SHOULD BE THE ONE

UP THERE.

MY FATHER'S RIGHT.

I'M A FUCKUP.

I'M A TOTAL FUCKUP.

YOU'RE ON THIS LITTLE HOLIDAY

IN FUCKUPLAND,

BUT I LIVE HERE PERMANENTLY!

JOSH,I MESSED UP.

I MESSED EVERYTHING UP.

YOU JUST DID THE RIGHT THING

AND THAT TOOK GUTS.

MORE GUTS THAN I HAVE.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

SO, PLEASE, JUST STEP BACK

FROM THE LEDGE.

[CROWD MURMURING]

[APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE GONNA BE OK, MAN.

YOU THINK:

THEY BOUGHT IT?

BOUGHT WHAT?

THAT I'M SUICIDAL.

WH-WHAT?

WELL, I DON'T THINK THEY'LL

THROW SOMEBODY SUICIDAL

OUT OF SCHOOL, DO YOU?

NO.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME

SAY ALL THAT STUFF.

THINK HOW PROUD:

YOUR DAD'S GONNA BE

WHEN HE FINDS OU YOU'RE A HERO.

YOU ARE A GENIUS.

[CROWD CLAPPING]

OH, THEY MAKE SUCH

A CUTE COUPLE.

HUH?

Josh:
IF THERE'S ONE THING

I LEARNED IN COLLEGE,

IT'S THINGS DON'T ALWAYS

TURN OUT LIKE YOU PLAN.

THE SCHOOL:

BENT THE RULES A LITTLE

AND GAVE ME ANOTHER SEMESTER

TO RAISE MY GRADES.

I WAS:

ABOUT 13...

BUT I HAD TO SPEND 6 MONTHS

IN INTENSIVE THERAPY

WITH PROFESSOR DURKHEIM,

AND I LEARNED I LIKED PSYCHOLOGY

MORE THAN MEDICINE

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