Dead Man on Campus Page #9

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SO I CHANGED MY MAJOR.

BYE, BOB.

COOPER'S DAD WAS SO PROUD

HE PAID FOR HIM TO STAY

IN SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER YEAR.

HE STILL HAD TO SPEND VACATIONS

WORKING AT THE COMPANY

AND HE SAYS,

IF YOU'RE STONED ENOUGH,

SCRUBBING TOILETS CAN BE

A ZEN-LIKE EXPERIENCE.

DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR,

HE ALSO GOT A JOB

WORKING A THE SUICIDE HOT LINE.

THE MEZZANINE?

CAN I EVEN SEE:

THE BAND FROM THERE?

HOW MUCH ARE THEY?

150 BUCKS?!

ARE YOU INSANE?!

WHAT?!

OH, DROP DEAD!

Josh:
RACHEL AND I

GOT BACK TOGETHER.

SHE LIKES HAVING A BOYFRIEND

WHO'S UNSTABLE

BECAUSE IT GIVES HER INSPIRATION

FOR HER CREATIVE WRITING.

BUCKLEY EVENTUALLY LEFT DALEMAN

AND WAS ARRESTED

FOR THE ATTEMPTED ASSASSINATION

OF BILL GATES.

I'LL BE BACK!

COUNT ON IT!

KELLY BROKE UP WITH KYLE

AND HE SPENT THE REST OF

THE SEMESTER IN CONFESSION.

Kyle:
FATHER,

I HAD MY WAY WITH MYSELF

IN THE FRESHMAN FACEBOOK.

I'VE JUST BEEN,

LIKE--[SPITS]

JACKING OFF TO THIS THING,

FOR, LIKE, 3 WEEKS.

OH, YEAH!

OH, LITTLE KYLE!

[UPBEAT]

?? MY WORDS ARE MY SPERM ??

?? HIS WORDS

ARE HIS SPERM ??

Josh:
MATT AND HIS BAND

GOT FAMOUS,

AND HIS ALBUM WENT STRAIGH TO THE TOP OF THE CHARTS.

HE EVEN GOT INTERVIEWED ON MTV

BY HIS HERO KURT LODER.

PICKLE RECOVERED

AND MOVED IN WITH US.

WE FELT SORRY FOR HIM,

PLUS WE FIGURED IF HE EVER

GOT REALLY DEPRESSED AGAIN,

WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL

COVER OUR BASES,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

AS FOR CLIFF,

CLIFF WAS ABOARD A PARTY CRUISE

THAT TRAGICALLY CAUGHT ON FIRE

AND CAPSIZED.

HE REFUSED TO ABANDON SHIP,

AND HIS BODY WAS LOST AT SEA.

COOPER SEEMED TO TAKE I HARDER THAN ANY OF US.

AAH! AAH!

AAH!

BUDDY!

COME ON DOWN!

NO! AAH!

HEY! OW!

GOD! YOU'RE KNEELING

ON MY JUNK!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

HE'S ON ME!

HE'S ALIVE!

NO. IT WAS

JUST A BAD DREAM.

FELLAS!

AAH!

AAH!

NOW, THAT WAS

A F***ING BOAT RIDE!

AN ADVENTURE LIKE THA MAKES ME FRICKIN' HORNY.

[WHIMPERING]

?? IN THE AFTERLIFE ??

?? YOU WILL BE HEADED

FOR THE SERIOUS STRIFE ??

?? NOW YOU MAKE THE SCENE

ALL DAY ??

?? BUT TOMORROW

THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY ??

?? IN THE AFTERLIFE ??

?? YOU WILL BE HEADED

FOR THE SERIOUS STRIFE ??

?? NOW YOU MAKE

THE SCENE ALL DAY ??

?? BUT TOMORROW

THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY ??

?? PEOPLE,

LISTEN ATTENTIVELY ??

?? I MEAN,

ABOUT FUTURE CALAMITY ??

?? I USED TO THINK

THE IDEA WAS OBSOLETE ??

?? UNTIL I HEARD THE OLD MAN

TAPPING HIS FEET ??

?? NOW THE "D" AND THE "A"

AND THE "M" AND THE "N" ??

?? AND THE "A" AND THE "T"

AND THE "I-O-N" ??

?? LOSE YOUR FACE,

LOSE YOUR NAME ??

?? THEN GET FITTED

FOR A TWO-TONE FLAME ??

?? "D" AND THE "A"

AND THE "M" AND THE "N" ??

?? AND THE "A" AND THE "T"

AND THE "I-O-N" ??

?? LOSE YOUR FACE,

LOSE YOUR NAME ??

?? THEN GET FITTED

FOR A TWO-TONE FLA-A-AME ??

[NEW SONG BEGINS]

?? A DUSTY HOUSE ??

?? THROUGH MY DIRTY CLOTHES

??

?? SEATED IN A TOWN ??

?? ON THE VERGE

OF EXTINCTION ??

?? STRUMMING UP THE TUNE ??

?? ALONE, I COMPOSE ??

?? A BITTERSWEET DITTY

ABOUT AN EX-GIRLFRIEND ??

?? SO F*** HER ??

?? AND HER PAINFUL MEMORIES

??

?? WHY TEAR OUT MY HEART ??

?? FOR ALL THE WORLD

TO SEE? ??

?? WHY NOT GIVE OUR LOVE ??

?? A CATCHY MELODY? ??

?? BURNING UP THE CHARTS ??

?? SWEET SIMPLICITY ??

?? WE'LL DO IT IN THE END ??

?? GOTTA GET AWAY ??

?? MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY ??

?? SEATED IN A TOWN ??

?? ON THE VERGE

OF EXPLOSION ??

?? NEW YORK AND L.A. ??

?? NO ONE LISTENING ANYWAY ?

?

?? BUSY PREDICTING ??

?? THE NEXT BIG HIT ??

?? SO F*** THAT ??

?? GET A CHANGE

OF SCENERY ??

?? I'LL PACK UP THE CAR ??

?? AND MOVE TO CALIFORNIA ??

?? FIND

A BETTER GIRLFRIEND ??

?? AND A CATCHY MELODY ??

?? PLAYING ALL THE CARDS ??

?? HAPPY HARMONY ??

[NEW SONG BEGINS]

?? SWEET, SWEET LOVE ??

?? AND MY BLISTERED FEET ??

?? IT AIN'T EASY ??

?? COME AWAY ??

?? I WAS FEELING FINE ??

?? I'M THE WATER'S FRIEND ??

?? I COULD STAY HERE ??

?? FOR THE DAY ??

?? WE CAN STAY HERE NOW ??

?? LIKE ANYONE, CAN'T YOU? ?

?

?? WE CAN STAY HERE NOW ??

?? 'CAUSE HERE IT COMES ??

?? HERE IT COMES ??

?? IT'S A MUSIC SHOW... ??

?? IN A DISTANT SOUND... ??

AAAH!

HOLY COW!

HE'S ON FIRE!

A LITTLE HELP HERE!

PILLOWS!

OH!

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S CLIFF.

ZEKE!

AAH!

COME ON, MAN!

WE WEREN'T DONE!

NO!

LET'S GO.

COME ON!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

HE'S MINE, FELLAS!

COME ON!

Zeke:
OH, GOD! AAH!

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