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Dead Ringers
- R
- Year:
- 1988
- 116 min
- 1,115 Views
DEAD RINGERS:
Have you ever heard anything about sex.
Sure I have.
- Well, I've discovered why sex is.
- You have? Fantastic!
It's because humans
don't live underwater.
I don't get it.
Fish don't need sex, because they just lay
the eggs and fertilise them in the water.
Humans can't do that
because they don't live in water.
They have to... internalise the water.
Therefore we have sex.
So you mean humans wouldn't have sex
if they lived in the water?
They'd have a kind of sex. The kind where
you wouldn't have to touch each other.
I like that idea.
Have you heard of scuba diving?
It's just new.
Self-contained underwater
breathing apparatus.
Exactly.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yeah. You ask her.
Raffaella, will you have sex with us
in our bathtub? It's an experiment.
Are you kidding?
F*** off, you freaks!
I'm telling my father you talk dirty.
Besides, I know for a fact
you don't even know what "f***" is!
They're so different from us...
...and all because
we don't live underwater.
The morculum is working superbly.
- Shall I insert the manticulator?
- Please.
What's the diagnosis?
Intra-ovular surgery.
Where did you get that instrument?
- We had it made for us.
- Really?
Might be fine for a cadaver.
It won't work with a living patient.
To our fabulous twins...
...who have, as mere undergraduates...
...already brought us glory.
Hear, hear!
And here it is...
...in solid gold...
Er, well, solid gold plate, that is!
The Mantle retractor, which is now
the standard of the industry.
Here's to a brilliant future!
Here it is.
That's wonderful!
Yeah.
They got the pivot pin in backwards.
Bev, you should've been there.
I was.
Well?
Are all the necessary parts there, Doc?
Yes, they are.
And there are a couple of extra ones
that shouldn't be.
Not funny.
Er, no... I wasn't joking.
Would you excuse me a minute?
I'll be right back.
Elly, I want you to look at
I'm late, Bev. If I f*** up with the
chairman's wife, we lose our grant.
She's a trifurcate.
I've never seen anything like it.
Down in a minute. It's Dr Mantle.
Keep the car waiting. Thanks.
Is this Claire Niveau?
Yeah.
- What, the Claire Niveau?
- Yeah.
Ooh! What's she doing here?
A mini-series. She's got three agents
and a bodyguard in the waiting room.
- And her life is empty without children.
- How did you know?
Bev, everyone knows that! Don't you
ever read the National Enquirer?
"Star's life empty without children."
I hope it also explained how we can make
her fertile, because I don't think I can.
Then we'll have to see what I can do.
Elly, what about dinner
with the chairman's wife?
will have to wait.
Right, let's take another look.
Yes...
That's fantastic.
I've never had anybody say that
about the inside of my body before.
Surely you've heard of inner beauty?
I've often thought there should be
beauty contests for the insides of bodies.
You know, best spleen...
Most perfectly developed kidneys...
Why don't we have standards of beauty...
...for the entire human body...
...inside and out?
I have a feeling you do.
So I'll tell 'em to f*** off.
Pardon my French.
Don't tell them to f*** off. I need the work.
This mini-series is paying peanuts.
You don't need to be humiliated.
I've decided.
I want to be humiliated.
Tell me about my uterus.
Well, it has three doorways.
three separate compartments...
...in your uterus.
That is fabulously rare.
Do you have trouble with your periods?
Listen... um... I'm gonna be late
for the Axelrod meeting. You'll be OK?
Goodbye, Leo. Remember, I need
the humiliation as well as the money.
Once or twice a year.
Not very enthusiastic ones.
Could I have triplets, do you think?
One in each compartment?
No. It doesn't work like that.
Really?
How does it work?
How did it go with la bella contessa?
Did we get our grant?
You were great.
Seductive and charming as usual.
And I think you've got your grant.
Hey...
...wait a minute.
What's this I hear?
It's for us, not just for me.
- It's for Mantle Inc.
- Yes, yes.
- I know.
- Did she catch on?
Ah, Contessa, you're looking so...
...I don't know,
And how is Marcello?
Due cappuccini, per favore, and quickly.
The Countess...
...is a tigress until she's got
her caffeine in the morning!
Hey...
...come on...
...I'm not that bad.
You're a little bit smoother in real life.
And the movie star...
...how is she?
She's expecting me for lunch tomorrow.
So you're going to find out for yourself.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes.
It's all set up.
The production's rented her
this little apartment...
...in Rosedale!
She'll just be getting out of bed...
...all cosy and warm.
Look, Elly...
the clinic's booked to the hilt.
We've got to pay the rent, you know.
- I'll take your patients.
- Oh, yes
I want you to go.
Bev, you've got to try the movie star.
She's unbelievable.
Don't worry, you'll be all right.
Just do me.
What did you do to me last night?
I learnt it from books.
Mmm, I wish more men
would read those books!
Drink?
No... thanks.
Well, Doc...
...what's the prognosis?
Can I have a baby... or can't I?
You're asking me that now?
L- I mean, here?
You said the results would be back today.
There's no chance that you'll
be able to bear children.
I'm not surprised.
You must've been tested before.
Oh, they said... I wouldn't have
an easy time getting pregnant.
But I've been taking...
...hormone injections.
And I have been extremely promiscuous.
I've never...
...used... um... contraceptive devices.
I've never even thought
contraceptive thoughts.
not sleeping with just... anybody.
That's true, you know.
Oh, of course, you...
...had a chance to...
...check me out...
...thoroughly...
...before you jumped on me.
Are you that careful?
Do you only have affairs with patients?
No, I was... concerned...
Am I bad? Is that it?
It hadn't occurred to me.
I've been bad...
...and I need to be punished.
I need to be punished.
Danuta.
Danuta.
Danuta!
As soon as we get some cold water
on your face, you'll feel much better.
Elly...
- What happened?
- Thank God you're back, Bev!
I'm just no good with the serious ones.
Why are you back?
I'm just no good with the frivolous ones.
All she wanted was
a little slap on the arse, Bev.
Yeah?
Yeah, well, I wondered what the f***
my brother had got us into...
...behind my back.
She's an actress, Bev, she's a flake.
You never know who she really is.
Yeah.
I can see that.
You can?
Yeah!
So... when are you gonna see her again?
She's called the clinic five times already.
I don't know. Perhaps you'd better go.
Wait a minute...
...this is serious.
- No, it's not.
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"Dead Ringers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 7 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/dead_ringers_6510>.
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