Dead Ringers

DEAD RINGERS:

Have you ever heard anything about sex.

Sure I have.

- Well, I've discovered why sex is.

- You have? Fantastic!

It's because humans

don't live underwater.

I don't get it.

Fish don't need sex, because they just lay

the eggs and fertilise them in the water.

Humans can't do that

because they don't live in water.

They have to... internalise the water.

Therefore we have sex.

So you mean humans wouldn't have sex

if they lived in the water?

They'd have a kind of sex. The kind where

you wouldn't have to touch each other.

I like that idea.

Have you heard of scuba diving?

It's just new.

Self-contained underwater

breathing apparatus.

Exactly.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Yeah. You ask her.

Raffaella, will you have sex with us

in our bathtub? It's an experiment.

Are you kidding?

F*** off, you freaks!

I'm telling my father you talk dirty.

Besides, I know for a fact

you don't even know what "f***" is!

They're so different from us...

...and all because

we don't live underwater.

The morculum is working superbly.

- Shall I insert the manticulator?

- Please.

What's the diagnosis?

Intra-ovular surgery.

Where did you get that instrument?

- We had it made for us.

- Really?

Might be fine for a cadaver.

It won't work with a living patient.

To our fabulous twins...

...who have, as mere undergraduates...

...already brought us glory.

Hear, hear!

And here it is...

...in solid gold...

Er, well, solid gold plate, that is!

The Mantle retractor, which is now

the standard of the industry.

Here's to a brilliant future!

Here it is.

That's wonderful!

Yeah.

They got the pivot pin in backwards.

Bev, you should've been there.

I was.

Well?

Are all the necessary parts there, Doc?

Yes, they are.

And there are a couple of extra ones

that shouldn't be.

Not funny.

Er, no... I wasn't joking.

Would you excuse me a minute?

I'll be right back.

Elly, I want you to look at

this woman before you go.

I'm late, Bev. If I f*** up with the

chairman's wife, we lose our grant.

She's a trifurcate.

I've never seen anything like it.

Down in a minute. It's Dr Mantle.

Keep the car waiting. Thanks.

Is this Claire Niveau?

Yeah.

- What, the Claire Niveau?

- Yeah.

Ooh! What's she doing here?

A mini-series. She's got three agents

and a bodyguard in the waiting room.

- And her life is empty without children.

- How did you know?

Bev, everyone knows that! Don't you

ever read the National Enquirer?

"Star's life empty without children."

I hope it also explained how we can make

her fertile, because I don't think I can.

Then we'll have to see what I can do.

Elly, what about dinner

with the chairman's wife?

I guess la bella contessa

will have to wait.

Right, let's take another look.

Yes...

That's fantastic.

I've never had anybody say that

about the inside of my body before.

Surely you've heard of inner beauty?

I've often thought there should be

beauty contests for the insides of bodies.

You know, best spleen...

Most perfectly developed kidneys...

Why don't we have standards of beauty...

...for the entire human body...

...inside and out?

I have a feeling you do.

So I'll tell 'em to f*** off.

Pardon my French.

Don't tell them to f*** off. I need the work.

This mini-series is paying peanuts.

You don't need to be humiliated.

I've decided.

I want to be humiliated.

Tell me about my uterus.

Well, it has three doorways.

Three cervixes leading into

three separate compartments...

...in your uterus.

That is fabulously rare.

Do you have trouble with your periods?

Listen... um... I'm gonna be late

for the Axelrod meeting. You'll be OK?

Goodbye, Leo. Remember, I need

the humiliation as well as the money.

I almost never have periods.

Once or twice a year.

Not very enthusiastic ones.

Could I have triplets, do you think?

One in each compartment?

No. It doesn't work like that.

Really?

How does it work?

How did it go with la bella contessa?

Did we get our grant?

You were great.

Seductive and charming as usual.

And I think you've got your grant.

Hey...

...wait a minute.

What's this I hear?

It's for us, not just for me.

- It's for Mantle Inc.

- Yes, yes.

- I know.

- Did she catch on?

Ah, Contessa, you're looking so...

...I don't know,

so Catherine Deneuve tonight!

And how is Marcello?

Due cappuccini, per favore, and quickly.

The Countess...

...is a tigress until she's got

her caffeine in the morning!

Hey...

...come on...

...I'm not that bad.

You're a little bit smoother in real life.

And the movie star...

...how is she?

She's expecting me for lunch tomorrow.

So you're going to find out for yourself.

- Oh, no!

- Oh, yes.

It's all set up.

The production's rented her

this little apartment...

...in Rosedale!

She'll just be getting out of bed...

...all cosy and warm.

Look, Elly...

the clinic's booked to the hilt.

We've got to pay the rent, you know.

- I'll take your patients.

- Oh, yes

I want you to go.

Bev, you've got to try the movie star.

She's unbelievable.

Don't worry, you'll be all right.

Just do me.

What did you do to me last night?

I'm still vibrating all over.

I learnt it from books.

Mmm, I wish more men

would read those books!

Drink?

No... thanks.

Well, Doc...

...what's the prognosis?

Can I have a baby... or can't I?

You're asking me that now?

L- I mean, here?

You said the results would be back today.

There's no chance that you'll

be able to bear children.

I'm not surprised.

You must've been tested before.

Oh, they said... I wouldn't have

an easy time getting pregnant.

But I've been taking...

...hormone injections.

And I have been extremely promiscuous.

I've never...

...used... um... contraceptive devices.

I've never even thought

contraceptive thoughts.

There are other reasons for

not sleeping with just... anybody.

That's true, you know.

I never thought of that.

Oh, of course, you...

...had a chance to...

...check me out...

...thoroughly...

...before you jumped on me.

Are you that careful?

Do you only have affairs with patients?

No, I was... concerned...

Am I bad? Is that it?

You gonna spank me, Doc?

It hadn't occurred to me.

I've been bad...

...and I need to be punished.

I need to be punished.

Danuta.

Danuta.

Danuta!

As soon as we get some cold water

on your face, you'll feel much better.

Elly...

- What happened?

- Thank God you're back, Bev!

I'm just no good with the serious ones.

Why are you back?

I'm just no good with the frivolous ones.

All she wanted was

a little slap on the arse, Bev.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I wondered what the f***

my brother had got us into...

...behind my back.

She's an actress, Bev, she's a flake.

She plays games all the time.

You never know who she really is.

Yeah.

I can see that.

You can?

Yeah!

So... when are you gonna see her again?

She's called the clinic five times already.

I don't know. Perhaps you'd better go.

Wait a minute...

...this is serious.

- No, it's not.

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