Dead Ringers Page #2

- Yes, it is!

If we didn't share women,

you'd still be a virgin.

- No.

- You'd never get laid on your own.

I don't get out much.

Listen, the beauty of our business

is you don't have to get out...

...to meet beautiful women.

- No, I can't do that. It's not...

- Ethical.

- No.

It's not... safe.

Well, if you don't go and see her...

- What?

- I will.

And I'll tell her I'm you...

...and I'll do... terrible things to her.

What sort of terrible things?

Oh, God!

Oh, Doctor...

...you've cured me!

Shh, shh.

What's the matter, what's the matter?

I'll never get pregnant.

I'll never have children.

When I'm dead... I'll just be dead.

I'll...

...really never have been a woman

at all. Just a girl.

A little girl.

You could always adopt a baby.

It wouldn't be the same.

It wouldn't be part of my body.

Yes... that's true.

Don't tell. Please don't tell...

...anybody about me. Please don't tell.

I'm so vulnerable... I'm slashed open.

Who would I tell? Eh?

Who would I tell?

And with that seal ofapproval,

our 5th bubbly season gets under way.

Hey, hey, hey...

...it's the swinger!

Yeah... hi.

So?

Er, so...

...it was nice.

She's... a little crazy, but sweet.

Tell me all about it.

Later.

No, now.

You might forget something later.

Some yummy detail.

I don't want to tell you about it.

You don't what?

I want to keep it...

...for myself.

Listen...

...you haven't had any experience

until I've had it, too.

You haven't f***ed Claire Niveau

until you tell me about it.

Then I haven't f***ed Claire Niveau.

There's no point to

this discussion, Arlene.

There is a point.

There definitely is a point!

You started with me

and now you won't carry through.

And... we have a relationship!

But you test out fine.

It's your husband that's the problem...

...and all he probably needs

is a good sperm wash.

If it's only a matter of laundry,

why are you opposed to doing it?

We don't do husbands.

We do female infertility.

We do women. That's our specialty.

I am a woman...

...and I want you to take care of me.

I trust you.

It's hard enough to find someone...

...in the medical profession

that you can trust.

Arlene, that's... that's wonderful.

I mean, that's really wonderful...

...but we don't do husbands.

We don't deliver babies, either.

We make women fertile,

and that's all we do.

To achieve anything in life,

one has to keep life simple.

Don't you think?

Irrigation.

It'd be an exaggeration to say we can

make up a new set of fallopian tubes...

...using just anything that's handy.

Those tubes are highly specialised

little organs.

But with the kind of help

we can offer the process...

...it is possible to...

modify several other organs:

...the odd vein...

...or, as today...

...we're using

a femoral lymphatic vessel...

...to take over the function

of conveying the egg...

...from the ovary to the uterus.

What are you taking?

Let me see.

"Dextroamphetamine resin."

"Dosage form:
Capsule."

"7.5 milligrams."

"Use:
Short-term treatment of obesity."

"Minor side effects:

Dry mouth, palpitations...

...restlessness,

unpleasant taste in mouth."

"Major...

...side effects:

...sleeplessness, rapid heartbeat...

...euphoria."

Do you want one?

Where did you learn all that?

Doctor, the Physician's Desk Reference

is my favourite bedside reading.

As a matter of fact...

...they tell me that there's a high incidence

of drug use amongst doctors.

- Is that true?

- Yep.

Do you take drugs?

No.

Well, for pain.

Pain creates character distortion.

It's simply not necessary.

I'm often in a lot of pain.

What kind of pain?

I think...

...psychosexual.

I'd say that was a pretty astute diagnosis.

Though I wouldn't recommend you

using those for that condition.

Who prescribed them for you?

When you get to be a famous actress...

well, doctors are...

...friendly.

Do me a favour. Will you allow me

to do the prescribing for you?

Thanks, Arthur.

You've forgotten to sign this, Dr Mantle.

Oh.

Sorry.

Actually, my name's Denis.

Sorry. I always get you confused.

Bye again.

If I had a game of squash now, Terry,

I'd end up a dead man.

I may win, but I'd be dead at the end of it.

- Tired?

- Yeah, that last one was rough.

- Were you there?

- No, I'll watch the tape.

I'll need it to get the FT paper

in shape, anyway.

Boston's yelling at me for it.

Hello, Mary. Then I'll just need

your tissue rejection data.

How's that coming along?

Listen, how about I write the paper

one time and you collect the data?

Sure. Just say when. Do you want

to see how it's shaping up?

No, I trust you to make us look good.

I'm exhausted.

Too exhausted to see Claire tonight?

No. Never.

- You'll need these.

- What's that?

Butazamine.

She's heard that it makes sex

come on like Nagasaki.

You're not feeding her pills, are you?

Listen, baby brother...

...I've got her number.

This lady's hustling us for drugs.

I don't think that's true at all.

- I think we should drop her, Bev.

- You drop her!

This is unknown territory

we're moving into.

Just cos we're handcuffed together

doesn't mean I have to like you!

Handcuffs?

You don't get it, do you?

Listen, honey-mud...

...we're on the run... and until we find

the release code to this thing...

...we're gonna get to know

each other real well.

I suggest we learn to like what we see.

You're a very self-conscious reader.

Just... Just loosen up...

...and play.

Come on.

Didn't you ever do routines

as a kid? Impersonations?

The only impersonation I ever did

was my brother.

I didn't know you had a brother.

Yeah.

We're not very close.

Beverly... That's a woman's name.

Why did your mom give you

a woman's name, I wonder?

It's not a woman's name.

It's spelled differently.

It's still a woman's name. Does your

brother have a woman's name, too?

Merian... spelled with an E...

...and an A.

What are you trying to suggest?

That I'm gay or something?

My mother wanted girls?

What the f*** is this

bullshit psychoanalysis!

Listen, Doctor...

...I think there's something

wrong with you.

I don't know what it is,

I can't put a label on it, but...

...you're subtly...

...I don't know...

...schizophrenic...

...or something.

Sometimes I like you very much...

...and sometimes you're an amusing lay.

Not much more.

And I can't figure out...

...why.

Beverly.

One for you.

One for me.

Please come this way.

My dear...

Sit down, have a drink...

...and tell me everything.

I'm not sure I know everything.

Start with all this

I've been hearing about you...

...and the wonderful Mantle boys.

What are you talking about?

Claire, this is me - Laura.

Please don't be coy, it's tedious.

Dear Beverly...

...dear Elliot.

Some claim they can't

tell the difference...

...but not me, dear.

It's obvious to me that...

Well, before I say anything gauche,

tell me which one you're seeing.

You mean there's two of them?

Don't be an ass, dear.

Of course there are two of them.

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