Deadpool and Wolverine

(The Marvel Studios logo plays, and as the song continues, we hear Deadpool humming along until it ends. We soon fade into a snowy forest)

Deadpool:
(laughs) That logo music, just gets you pumped! All right? I’m sorry, I’m just excited to be here. It’s been a while. You know, for a long time, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be back. Disney bought Fox, there was a whole boring rights issues, blahbiddie-blahbiddie blah. But then, it turned out they wanted me! The one guy who shouldn’t even have his own movie, much less a franchise. (chuckles) Marvel’s so stupid. Look, we know the title of this thing, so I know what you’re wondering. How are we going to do this without dishonoring Logan’s memory? And I’ll tell you how:

We’re not.

(We see Deadpool digging up the gravesite of Logan.)

Deadpool:
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Wolverine is not dead. Sure, it made a perfect ending to a very sad story, but that’s not how regenerative healing factors work. You think I want to be out here in beautiful downtown North Dakota, digging up the one and only Wolverine? No thank you. But the fate of my entire world is at stake. He may not be living his best life, but he sure as hell ain’t dead.

(We hear a metallic sound as Deadpool reaches the deceased hero's body.)

Deadpool:
Bingo. Yahtzee.

(Deadpool holds the shovel for a moment until he starts slamming it an enraged outburst.)

Deadpool:
DAMNIT! SON OF A B*TCH!!!

(He whacks the X sign making it break off, he snaps his shovel in half and starts screaming in furious anger.)

Deadpool:
MOTHER...F***ER!!! MY WORLD IS FU-

(We then see Deadpool, nice and calm, sitting behind a tree branch.)

Deadpool:
That was weird. I’m much calmer now. Look, I’m not a man of science, but you seem incredibly passed away.

(We then see him talking to...Logan's adamantium-clad skeleton?)

Deadpool:
(sighs) But, it’s good to see ya. I gotta be honest, I’ve always wanted to ride with you, Log. You and me getting into it, Deadpool… and Wolverine! Just f***ing sh*t up! Can you imagine the fun? The chaos? The residuals? (mimicking Logan) " G’day mate! There’s nothing that’ll get me back to life faster than a big bag of Marvel cash!" (chuckles) Me too, Hugh. No… no, no, no. Ugh, you had to get all noble, and die for real, GOD DAMN IT!!! I could really use your help, right now.

(The sound of time doors whiz open. Deadpool puts his head up in shock. Cut to the time doors opening, and TVA agents, and their minuteman leader walk out. Deadpool peeks, and he ducks down, and ducks the skeleton down too. He puts a hand up.)

Deadpool:
WAIT! I’m warning you! I’m not alone!

Minuteman Leader: Wade Winston Wilson, you’re under arrest by the Time Variance Authority, for too many crimes to list. Come out! And we’ll extend your courtesy of taking you in one piece.

Deadpool:
Death by day player.

Minuteman Leader: Last chance! Throw out your weapons, and come out peacefully.

Deadpool:
I’m not gonna give you my weapons! And I promise not to use 'em.

(Deadpool looks directly at the camera.)

Deadpool:
There are 206 bones in the human body, 207 if I’m watching Gossip Girl. Here we go, maximum effort.

(Deadpool comes out of hiding with the skeleton, and the TVA agents whip out their weapons.)

Deadpool:
Ok, peanut, I guess we’re getting that team up after all.

(*NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" plays as Wade slaughters the TVA agents, the opening credits playing as Deadpool fights the agents off with Logan's adamantium bones. After he hits an agent with the skull, he kicks it away.)

Deadpool:
Maradona from outside the box! GOAAAAAAAAAAL!

(Deadpool continues his fight with the agents, with snippets of him dancing to "Bye Bye Bye". As the credits conclude, Deadpool puts on Logan's knuckles and, as more agents come, unleashes the metal claws, ending the song.)

Deadpool:
(gasps) ...I am soaking wet right now!

(Deadpool roars a la Wolverine as the title appears, freeze-framing the scene.)

Deadpool:
To be clear, I’m not proud of any of this. The wanton violence. The whiff of necrophilia, it isn’t who I am, it isn’t who I wanna be. Who I wanna be? Well, to help you understand that, I gotta take you back. A little joyride I took through space and time. To the day that changed everything.

(We fast-forward through Deadpool 2's epilogue, where he kills Weapon Xl, averts the death of his girlfriend Vanessa and X-Force member Peter (and killing Ryan Reynolds before he considers starring in Green Lantern) before using Cable's time watch to go to Earth-616, also known as the Sacred Timeline. In an office...)

Wade Wilson:
I can’t believe I’m finally here. I wanted for this moment for so long. Thank you sir, for seeing me. I firmly believe… that my service could be of… great use to your organization. Now I know… I was caught smashturbating in the lobby of Stark Tower, but I can assure you that-

(We cut to Happy Hogan, interviewing Wade.)

Happy Hogan:
Smashturbating? I’m sorry, what, what was that?

Wade Wilson:
No, I’m sorry. That’s when you get those toy Hulk hands, right? And then you just, you look down, and you just… you brace yourself and you ravage the midsection. Pinch the-

Happy Hogan:
Yeah. Okay, I get it. Okay, thank you.

Wade Wilson:
The picture’s painted, you get the gist.

Happy Hogan:
What exactly brings you here today?

Wade Wilson:
Why am I- Wow. Okay. I care. I know, I turn everything into a joke, but I... I care, and I, I wanna use that feeling... for something important. I, I wanna matter. I need to show my girl that I matter. And... you know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here. Is the man not gonna be joining us?

Happy Hogan:
The man?

Wade Wilson:
Yeah, I should save this if he’s gonna…

Happy Hogan:
As, as far as you’re concerned right now, I’m the man.

Wade Wilson:
No.

Happy Hogan:
The man is me. I am the man in this circumstance. He doesn’t do this kind of thing anymore.

Wade Wilson:
Cameos?

Happy Hogan:
Meetings. Entry-level meetings.

Wade Wilson:
Entry-level? Aren’t you the chauffeur… maybe?

Happy Hogan:
Common misconception. Okay. I begin my career as Mr. Stark’s driver. Okay. Quickly pivoted to…

Wade Wilson:
Chauffeur…

Happy Hogan:
The Head of Security.

Wade Wilson:
The Head of… Of course, yes, yes, yes.

Happy Hogan:
And, why I am vetting your resumé. You seem to have left out whether or not you had… any experience as a member of a team. Could you maybe add a little bit of perspective there?

Wade Wilson:
No, yes, of course. I was Special Forces… Okay, but I was… Mainly, I was team leader… founder, really, of X-Force. Sadly, they, they, all perished in action though.

Happy Hogan:
How exactly did that happen?

Wade Wilson:
Well, the police say gravity, but if… Just between us… they didn’t test well in the focus group.

Happy Hogan:
I see.

Wade Wilson:
Particularly Cable.

Happy Hogan:
X-Force.

(Happy signs a paper.)

Wade Wilson:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I can see this isn’t going well. Please stop writing. Look, I, I… I’m just… I wanna be an Avenger.

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