Deadpool and Wolverine Page #2

(Happy gives him a puzzled look.)

Wade Wilson:
I wanna be an Avenger.

Happy Hogan:
Why do you wanna be an Avenger?

Wade Wilson:
Look around you. I mean, they’re the, they’re the best of the best. And, and what they do matters. I need to be an Avenger. Sir, my girl has kinda had it with my shtick, and I, if I don’t. You know… turn things around and do something with my gifts… I don’t think it’s gonna really work out for me… and I wouldn’t blame her.

Happy Hogan:
The Avengers are a very unique group of superheroes that stand for something more than just fighting and wearing costumes. I mean, people look up to us. Kids look up to us. They-

Wade Wilson:
I’m sorry. “Us?” I wasn’t aware that you were an Avenger.

Happy Hogan:
Avengers-adjacent, technically-

Wade Wilson:
Oh, wow. What’s your superpower? Is it parallel parking? I’m so sorry. That was cruel. I lash out when I’m nervous. Won’t happen again. Let’s just cut to the chase. Please.

Happy Hogan:
You just said minutes ago… that you wanted to be an Avenger because you need it.

Wade Wilson:
Yes, sir, I do.

Happy Hogan:
But the Avengers don’t do the job because they need it. They do the job because people need them. Do you see the distinction?

Wade Wilson:
Yes, sir. Please, Mr. Hogan. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.

Happy Hogan:
All right.

(Happy gets up.)

Wade Wilson:
Oh, my god, you’re standing.

Happy Hogan; Yeah, now’s the time we stand.

Wade Wilson:
Damn it.

(Wade stands.)

Happy Hogan:
Now, the problem might be that you’re… reaching a little, little too high. Aim for the middle, and you’ll never miss. Right? I think you got a good heart. I believe what you’re saying. But not everybody’s the world-saving type. I’m not, and I’m happy. Right? I found my place. Find your place. All right? Get back just out there. Mm-hmm. We’ll keep an eye on you. Good luck.

Wade Wilson:
Okay.

(Wade leaves but comes back to give Happy a hug.)

Wade Wilson:
Fetch the car. I wanna hit Shake Shack. Rejection makes me hungie.

Happy Hogan:
Really? No? -No, no. Please, yeah, no, no, no. Okay, thank you oh. Oh, Okay.

(Wade finally leaves. We fast forward six months later, in Earth-10005, Wade's home universe.)

Deadpool:
You know what they say, “When one door closes, your locker at work opens.”

(Wade, now working as a used-car salesman, staples a toupee on his head before looking into the mirror of the employee changing room.)

Wade Wilson:
Now let’s go sell some certified pre-owned vehicles, motherfu-

(Cuts to Wade in a car, where he’s sitting in the middle with two boys on each side of him, a mother in the front seat, and her husband, behind the wheel.)

Technically, the, the Carnival’s not a minivan. It’s an MPV.

Mrs. Chipman:
So, how does the Kia compare to… the Honda Odyssey?

Wade Wilson:
The Odyssey? That’s a great question. It doesn’t f***ing suck.

(The boy on the left cracks a smile.)

Mrs. Chipman:
You know, you can answer the question without swearing.

Wade Wilson:
I’m sorry, Tammy. I don’t. I don’t have kids. Not that I dreamt of that… but I don’t have a lot of vaginal sex.

(We cut to Wade's workplace, Drivemax, and his friend and former X-Force colleague Peter consoles him on the failed sale.)

Peter W.:
You’ll get ‘em next time, pal. And look, you can always go back to superhero-ing. I mean, I know I’d like to see you back in the suit. I don’t keep it in my locker so that I can wear it.

(He opens his locker, revealing the original darker red Deadpool suit.)

Peter W.:
I keep it in my locker in case we need to saddle up again.

(Noticing the suit, Wade hastily closes the locker back.)

Wade Wilson:
Hey, hey, hey. What? What is that doing in there? I’m done. I’m done. And I’m fine with being done. Look, is sales the best match? Probably not. Is this the life that I always imagined for myself? F*** no! But this is the right fit for me, Sugar Bear. it is.

Peter W.:
Okay, Mr. Wilson.

(Cuts to outside, where it’s night. Pedestrians walk on the sidewalk, and cars drive on the road. Wade and Peter ride bicycles.)

Peter W.:
I’m just saying, once a month, we could go on a little mission. We’re human beings. We crave for purpose. After all, we’re Deadpool.

Wade Wilson:
Please stop saying that. We’re not Deadpool. I’m not even Deadpool anymore.

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