Dean Slater: Resident Advisor

[GRUNT]

[SQUEAKING]

MR. HARRIS (OFFSCREEN):

[PANTING]

Oh, this is so dirty.

- Looks like it's gonna be

a nice day, Mr. Harris.

MR. HARRIS (OFFSCREEN):

I have my doubts.

- Hmm.

- Retraction?

(ANGRY) Retraction?

Retraction?!

- I always said he's go

to a state school.

- What actually your

safety school?

- I didn't apply to any

other schools.

Dad said Harrises don't

need safety schools.

- What about this?

SCSU.

- What is this?

The Biting Crabs?

Are you kidding me?

- Oh, and it says here it's

ranked as one of the top 10

party schools in America.

- I'm not going there, Mom.

- You're going to college!

- Service blows.

- It's the desert, dude.

- You've already called her,

texted her, tweeted her, and

pic'd her, like, 200 times.

- Yeah, well, you're the

one reading that.

- Uh, it's called recon.

Put down the phone

and peep it.

[GIRLS TALKING]

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Take if off, yeah.

- Guys, I can't be

looking at this.

- Hey, guys.

Lights out.

Big day manana.

I got some super tight

stuff planned.

Really get to know each other,

break down barriers.

[LAUGHS]

Awesome.

You'll wanna be fresh.

- Our floor is gonna blow.

- I said turn off the lights.

Get the frickin' lights off.

Just t... turn the

lights off, OK?

[COW MOOING]

- Is that a cow?

- Are you sure it was a

moo and not a howl?

- I heard cow.

- It best be, because there is at

a BF diff, OK, between cows

and wolves.

[WOLF HOWL]

[MUFFLED VOICES]

- [INAUDIBLE].

[SQUEALING TIRES]

- [INAUDIBLE].

[CAR HORN PLAYING

"LA CUCARACHA"]

[COW MOO]

[PHONE BEEP]

- Yeah, right there.

Right there.

- There she is.

- Dude, that cow's

scrawny as sh*t.

- All right, belts.

- Yo, Tyler, why are we doing

this to this cow?

- Take it back to camp

and scare the girls.

The girls' guide says the first

nights away from home

Trust me, they'll be sleeping

in our tents in no time.

Here.

I don't know what

to do with this.

- I thought you were

from Wyoming.

- No.

- Oh.

- Give me that.

My grandpa owns a

Kobe [INAUDIBLE]

beef ranch.

Check it out.

- Konnichiwa.

- In Oregon, dude.

Not all my people fit

(MOCK ASIAN ACCENT)

into a bento box.

- Sorry.

- [LAUGHS]

Whatever, dude.

Look, any culture that's got

obese men wrestling in diapers

is bound to catch some sh*t.

- I heard they feed

Kobe cows beer.

- [INAUDIBLE].

- Happy endings?

- Woo!

- Look at the size of that.

Yeah!

Woo!

- Hey, guys.

Cow tipping, it's cool.

But you know, you might want to

wait till we get to campus

before you start getting

written up.

I am very disappointed in

you, Tyler and Yuji.

[YELLING OVER HELICOPTER

SPEAKER]

[COW MOO]

- Hey, ch... hey, chickens.

- Your lawyer is here.

- Who you callin' a lawyer?

- Thank god.

Dean, this is nuts.

- Grand theft bovine.

- Hey, get me out of here.

- Relax.

Let's see what our

options are.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

- Wh...

what the f***, Dean?

- I'm negotiating.

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

CHIP (OFFSCREEN):

Cream-filled...?

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

- Butt sex?

- Shh, shh.

- (UPSET) Dean.

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

- It's gonna be nice.

You'll have your own room.

You'll be eating healthy.

- Wh...

what?

- Sh*t, the fine was $98.52.

Where am I gonna find $98.52?

- [YELLING]

- In your room.

Yea-o.

Really?

- That's not... that's

not mine, man.

- I'll be back for

you in 21 days.

- I am a senior, building

a resume.

I'm the R-f***ing-A, Dean.

If I get kicked out, I'll be...

I'm beyond...

I'm beyond f***ed.

Gonna get kicked out.

- I'll cover the kids for you.

I'll cover your classes.

You cover your ass.

No one's getting f***ed.

- [LAUGHS]

- Chip, you're my brother,

and I love you.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Take care of my boy.

- No, Dean!

No, Dean.

Dean!

- Nothing.

- I heard a helicopter

last night.

- OK, seriously, who the hell

goes trust-building in a known

drug trafficking zone?

- We have to go back to campus.

- Finally get some service.

- Could you guys just excuse

us for a second?

Dude, we're in Camp Puss, alone

in the desert with three

habaneros looking to

us for protection.

- We better move quick, or else

it's gonna be Camp Stinkypuss.

No showers.

- We're all blank slates here.

For all they know, we're

captains of the football team.

- Except my Facebook was

says I was in band.

- F*** Facebook.

It's a bazillion-dollar business

built on everyone's

insecurity wall.

- Dude, my girlfriend would flip

if I've rendered them.

- Maybe it's an act of god

you got no service.

Come on.

It's time we make

some new walls.

- Did he leave a note?

- Something better.

An opportunity...

to get to know each other, to

grow and trust, to forge

unshakable bonds that will

sustain us should we ever have

to lean on each other in

troubled times, during these

next few years that

will likely define

the rest of our lives.

[YUJI MOANING]

- You wanna build some trust?

Try telling us the truth.

- It was a ghetto bird.

- Cow was a bad idea, dude.

- Eye of the Kobe beef.

- You mean they didn't cover this

situation in the Girl's

Guide to College?

- We were gonna stop by last

night after lights out to

really introduce ourselves.

- I'm gonna love college.

- Saw your book.

Pretty pathetic.

- Guys, guys.

Let's... let's not, uh,

point fingers.

We're all SCSU students,

you know?

Biting Crabs.

- What the f***?

- Bitchin'.

Dope crab.

- Thank you.

- What do you want?

- I want a life of experiences,

not things.

Although the things

that I do obtain

should be finely crafted.

And I should so like to make

love to this one particular

woman every morning.

Oh, and a...

and a decent soup.

- Huh?

- Who are you?

- I'm your new RA.

- Did you torture him before

you murdered him?

- Torture?

Definitely torture.

Murder?

No.

I did save his life

once, though.

He was choking on Silly Putty.

I had him in a hammerlock.

- You mean a Heimlich?

- Hammerlock.

Might have been a half-nelson.

- Dude, dude.

- Shhh.

I rammed him up against

the banister.

Mmm-bop.

Came launching out.

He claimed he just wanted to

feel that snap-crack feeling

that happens when you

bite down on Silly

Putty, but I knew.

He had a picture of Hanson

scratched out.

- Gross.

- Made 'em all look naked.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Even the little drummer boy.

- Oh, god.

- Sickness.

He's a good kid, though.

Come on, let's get back to

campus for that first night

party and really build

some trust.

- Hey, Tyler, what's Hanson?

- Should we?

- Let's go.

YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Holy crab,

we're gonna be so high, dude.

TYLER (OFFSCREEN): Where

did you get this?

DEAN (OFFSCREEN): I

have a silkworm.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- Where's my clock?

- Scope the phone.

- No batt.

- What the f***?

- Who the f***?

- Holy sh*t!

- F***ing falcon?

- A falconer flies falcons.

I'm an austringer.

I fly hawks.

You boys have fun last night?

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