Dean Slater: Resident Advisor Page #2

- Don't know.

- You took all our

batteries out?

- Learning begins within.

You're setting your own

internal clocks.

- I'm probably missing class.

- You're re-prioritizing.

That's good.

- I feel like I'm gonna puke.

- Epicurus vomited three

times a day.

[STOMACH GRUMBLING]

- To make room for

his gluttony.

[FART]

- Aw, f***, dude.

[SNIFFS]

[FART]

- Mmm.

- New York strip, Ponderosa

Steakhouse style.

- Medium-rare.

Drunk-dialing, not good.

Hey.

(WHISPERING) What is it?

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

You tell them.

[BIRD CHIRPS]

- Archimedes and I will

be in my room.

Do not come by if you

need anything.

- Strap on those beer goggles

and blindfolds, freshmen.

Boys and girls, SCSU welcomes

you to the 10th

annual Sexual Jeopardy.

All right!

All right, we love this!

- I really don't need to worry

about this kind of stuff.

I have a girlfriend.

- Get some condoms, guys.

If my dad had one, I

wouldn't be here.

- Are we at the boner?

- Remember to...

- OK, OK, calm down.

- [INAUDIBLE] first drink.

Remember, yeah!

- All right, you're...

get on your knees.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): We're

here to keep you safe.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

That means safe

weenies and safe vajajays.

Gotta keep that vajajay

locked up.

- Mmm.

- Aw, give it to Mama.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): These

goggles are supposed to

simulate being drunk.

Your parents are paying a lot of

money for this, all right?

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I'm

a little out of practice.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Du...

ahh, hey, babe.

I was just thinking about you.

- These things never

fit me anyway.

- Hey!

Listen, wasted is for

one night, but

STDs are for a lifetime.

- Oh my god, oh my god,

you could... you

could live off this.

It's... it's... it's got water.

It's got...

it's got vegetables.

It's got carbohydrates.

Mmm, it's got the taste.

You know?

It's just oozing with

that flavor.

It's got that... that sh*t.

This is...

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

[FARTS]

- What's up, pup?

VERONICA (ON PHONE): One?

CORY (OFFSCREEN):

I love you, too.

VERONICA (ON PHONE): Three?

- I love being four.

[GIGGLES]

To infinity and beyond.

[MAKES ELECTRIC SHOCK SOUNDS]

VERONICA (ON PHONE):

[INAUDIBLE]?

- Uh, yeah.

So you know, I'm just trying to

figure out what to rent for

Black Friday tonight.

VERONICA (ON PHONE): Curfew?

- Oh, no.

I know, I'll be home by 11:00.

Be on in, like, two seconds.

3, 2, 1.

- All right.

What's up?

How you doing?

- Hey, babe.

- You're wearing that

shirt I got you.

Nice.

- Sh*t, the RA!

Quick, we gotta hide

the stuff!

- Dude, what the f***, man?

Hide what stuff?

YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Dude.

- I am not calling her.

I'm just collecting texts to

see what our options are.

- Yeah.

- I've got the '80s party.

- That's LAB.

- Look, Yuji, you're gonna have

to help us out here with some

of these 'brevs.

- LAB, Lame as Balls.

- Oh.

- Hmm.

- Yo, you guys are

gonna like this.

Jello shots on the quad.

- Jello shots?

- That's so eighth grade.

- Well.

- Let's ask the Dean.

He'll know.

- Let's do it.

- Yeah, bring the noodles.

- OK.

- Hey, have you guys

Googled the Dean?

He's pretty epic.

- Look.

- You'd be surprised at the time

you could find if you

live in the moment.

- Dean, uh, we were wondering

if you could teach us.

- Train us.

- How to party.

- What makes you think I

know how to do that?

[KNIFE SLICING SOUNDS]

- This sand just isn't fine

enough for Spanish tile.

Oystered sand is

so uninspired.

- Dude, you were famous.

- I mean, there's all these

articles from the archives of

the "SCSU Gazette. "

- Yeah, we gotta keep you

under wraps, man.

- It's pretty freakin' awesome.

- I've since learned it's best

not to expose hypocrisy until

you yourself gain humility.

- Nietzsche said, it is my

fate to be the first

decent human being.

And then he caught syphilis,

went nuts, and threw himself

on the ass end of a horse.

The key is to buzz check.

- Buzz check.

- Pro-partying means holding

at brownout levels.

Drink without getting black,

so you can savor.

You gotta self-assess without

becoming self-conscious.

Hear yourself every so often.

Look for context clues.

For example, if you hear

yourself say, hold my beer,

watch this, ease off.

If you hear yourself

say, she'll never,

press a little harder.

If you hear someone else say,

oh my god, he's gonna do it,

shut it down, shut it down.

Buzz check.

- Ah, the calm-splitting clarity

of a decisive moment.

[PHONE RINGING]

- The way I see it, you

got three options.

Curl up, break up, or man up.

[PHONE RINGING]

- [SIGHS]

VERONICA (ON PHONE): I need

some Cory time right now.

- Just hang up.

VERONICA (ON PHONE):

I miss my baby...

- You know what?

At least I get calls.

VERONICA (ON PHONE): I'm

painting my nails your

favorite color.

MR. HARRIS (VOICEMAIL):

Son, it's your dad.

Now listen, we haven't heard

from you for two or three

weeks now, and I think it's

time to get focused.

There's enough of this,

uh, messing around.

You know, I've talked to your

mother, and we have been

discussing options for

your rehabilitation.

And time is getting

very critical.

So you're gonna have to call

us back today, please.

CORY (ON PHONE):
There's not

even any sexy girls here.

you're the cutest thing that

God has ever made.

VERONICA (ON PHONE):

[INAUDIBLE]

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I...

VERONICA (ON PHONE): So I think

it's totally unfair that

[INAUDIBLE].

- You didn't have to

do that, Yuj.

- It never ends, anyway.

I know this is your line, but we

need to talk, just not now,

not like this.

Are you seriously hanging

up on me?

No one's hanging up on me.

Great.

Now what?

[INAUDIBLE]...

- Oh, god.

- When you make a stand,

don't doubt.

Own it.

As for your choices this

evening, gentlemen, I'd go

jello shot.

-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!

[CHEERING]

- I'm in.

- [INAUDIBLE].

All right, let's go.

-3, 2, 1, jello!

[CHEERING]

- Step up.

[CHEERING]

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Step it up, man.

Go.

- Yeah.

-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!

[CHEERING]

- You're next, sumo boy.

- Let's do it.

- Definite style points.

- Are you OK?

- This is awesome!

Woo!

-3, 2, 1, jello!

[CHEERING]

- This party blows.

Come on!

[CHEERING]

- This stuff's legit.

- Easy.

That stuff's flammable.

- You wanna try some?

I never touch the mass-produced

stuff anymore.

Artisanal absinthe.

I have a stew.

Savor it with friends, like

the wine [INAUDIBLE].

Promise me you'll drink

that last tonight.

- There's not much to share.

- Quality over quantity.

Everything in moderation,

especially moderation.

-3, 2, 1.

[CHEERING]

- And remember, buzz check.

-3, 2, 1, jello!

[CHEERING]

- You, impostor!

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[CHEERING]

- Yes, yes!

- I'm an Asian god!

- He's Asian.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE SPEAKER (JUKEBOX, SINGING):

You are an a**hole.

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Play it, Sam.

What's the soup today?

- Until recently, I spent most of

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