Dean Slater: Resident Advisor Page #3

my time oscillating between

wondering if and wishing

you were dead.

- Thanks for the heads

up about Chip.

- Surprised you even

got the letter.

Somewhere in Germany isn't much

of a forwarding address.

- [SPEAKING GERMAN]

- [SPEAKING GERMAN]

[LAUGHTER]

- It's nice you cared enough

about someone to come back.

- You know I'm sorry.

- I don't know that.

- I'm sorry.

How are the bosses

treating you?

- Hey, come on, order up.

Sammy, let's feed some

hungry people.

[CHUCKLES]

- Like family.

- Told you I'd be back.

- Who knew it would

take four years.

- Lost track of time.

- You lost track of me, too.

- I bet I can guess what

your track was.

Uh, you got your JD MBA

while interning

full-time on Wall Street.

No, wait, you bagged

Wall Street.

You interned on Madison

Avenue, more creative.

But you felt like you were

selling your soul.

For what?

I don't know, ketchup?

But there was no touch.

You felt so disembodied.

So you came back, to serve

people ketchup.

- Obviously, they have

Facebook in Germany.

- What's Facebook?

- And it was jams, not ketchup.

I was on a Smucker's account.

- It was just a guess.

- And what exactly did you over

achieve while doing your

post-graduate bake?

- I totally unplugged.

My only media was ancient

manuscripts,

super-illuminating.

Really got me thinking.

- About what?

- Finding true happiness.

- And how's that going for you?

- Closest I've been in years.

[DOOR OPENS]

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]

- That party was so

[INAUDIBLE].

- Come on.

[JUKEBOX STARTS PLAYING]

- You used to sing this to me and

it would get stuck in my

head for days and

make me crazy.

DEAN (OFFSCREEN):

It was our song.

- Doesn't that tell you

something, that our song was a

form of torture?

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

- Are you Asian or Japanese?

- Both?

- You can go ahead and slam us

with six breakfast specials.

- Full slam.

- Did you seriously just

order for us?

- Yeah, my dad usually orders

for the table.

- Control freak.

- No, I mean, he's cool.

He's a cool guy.

You know, he's just,

um, not really cool

with me being here.

I actually got accepted

to Caltech.

But, uh, when I got the un-in

letter, I guess my

dad wasn't so happy.

- Un-in letter?

- Yeah, he just kept rocking

in his chair saying...

- Retraction, retraction.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING]

- Guys, to one epic semester.

And to the Dean for supplying

the green.

- Dean gave you that?

- You know the Dean?

- To the Dean!

[CHEERING]

- I can't believe you.

Serving alcohol to minors

is a crime, and a sin.

Your kids are out

there toasting

you, and they're wasted.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Oh yeah, mmm.

- Have they swallowed yet?

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Oh yeah, nice.

- Agh.

- We need to get them

out of that booth.

They stay here so we

can keep them safe.

Come on, ladies.

- Take it, Layne.

- I cooked them up a special

Black Friday cocktail.

Ipecacuanha root.

- Ipeca what?

- Syrup of Ipecac.

- Ooh, I don't know about you

guys, but I feel good.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So you think you better

move that mountain.

Yeah, you're gonna break

down that wall.

Let me tell you straightaway

from the fountain, another job

and your dream was real far.

You're never gonna

chase that dream

staring down that bottle.

You're never gonna make

that scheme when you

can't find the throttle.

So you think you're gonna

shake that money tree?

Good job, big house, nice car.

But first you gotta knock

that thirst down.

Let me pour your final round.

It's just a little home brew

somebody might have concocted.

It's been a long time, but

I have things to do.

But now my crab's brought

me back to you.

I've got the elixir,

a libation fixer.

Take that shot and feel

the devil mixer.

Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.

Ipecac, ipecac [INAUDIBLE].

Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.

Ipecac, tastes like

liquid gold, yeah.

Gold.

What comes down must come up!

[RETCHING]

[MOANING]

- Check, please.

- Got it.

[MOANING]

- I have to wiz like a monkey.

CORY (OFFSCREEN): Veronica.

- No, don't you even dream

about Skyping her.

No, no.

No, no, no.

- No, give me the... give

me the computer.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Give it back.

Give it back, please.

- Oh, dude.

Wake up.

It's bed time.

[MOANING]

- Who leaves the lid

down anyway?

We're all dudes here.

[WINDOWS BOOTING MUSIC]

[SKYPE RINGTONE]

- Hey, babe.

- Oh yeah, that's my dragon.

- Is that his leg?

YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Oh

yeah, here we go.

- Hey.

Hey, guys, I don't know.

- A really big guy.

[MOANING IN RELIEF]

VERONICA (OFFSCREEN): Ew, ew.

VERONICA (OFFSCREEN):

Oh my god.

Aw, Cory, come on.

You're peeing on the screen,

oh my god, oh my god.

- All done.

[SNORING]

[GRUNTS]

- Oh.

- Oh, I wazzed last night.

- You look like amber bock.

- Oh, supposed to look

like pale ale.

[GIRLS CHATTING]

- Wow.

[GIGGLES]

- Mmm, it's like some Heidi

Klum in this b*tch.

- I'm pretty sure I did, like,

10 beer bongs last night.

- Where did it go?

- We have to take these

to the beach.

- Oh, god.

- Hey, you guys going

to the beach?

- We texted you.

- I even called.

- We're off the grid now.

- Tossed our phones

in the ocean.

- That's really bad, because

there's, like, this little

nugget inside that

changes colors or

something if it gets wet.

- They totally won't

replace that.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I

have a couple backup phones

you guys can use until your plan

lets you get a new one.

- They totally won't

replace that.

- I don't think they

want phones.

[PHONES VIBRATING]

- Hanna, that's you.

- Thanks for ignoring.

- Better see you at the beach.

- [RASPBERRIES]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hey.

The triumph of nature.

- Oh.

- Holy sh...

- Oh, smoked.

- Hey, guys, woo-gee-woo.

- You mean woo-gee-wow.

- Come down to the

bonfire tonight.

- You're not gonna disappoint

us again, are you?

I'll text you the info.

- They're texting us right now.

- How the hell do we even

know those girls?

- Hey, what the f***

are we supposed

to do with our thumbs?

Whoa.

- Kendama, Japanese juggling,

help me quite smoking.

- I don't picture you

with a cigarette.

- Tobacco?

Never touch the stuff.

You'll find, when you

first unplug...

- It's disorienting.

- It's reorienting.

You achieve balance, work and

life, exercise and rest,

alcohol and caffeine,

women and...

- And?

- Hell if I know.

- That Sam that runs the diner,

is she, like, a risk?

Like, to blow your cover?

- She's secure.

- All right, wazzage, BRBs.

- Advanced and brave, nice.

- He's not going to

take a leak.

He's gonna go Skype

the biatch.

- The mind sharpens

off the grid.

YUJI (OFFSCREEN): Whoa.

- You're beginning to see through

to true motivations.

- [SIGHS]

What is...

oh, my god!

Are you serious?

What is this?

Oh, my gosh.

Agh.

Oh, f***, I just touched

my head.

She's going f***ing

nuts right now.

- Dude, blame it on us, man.

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