Dear Dracula

- (CHEERFUL MUSIC)

- (BIRD CAWS)

(CHITTERS)

(GRUNTS)

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)

- (GRUNTS)

- (GIRL SCREAMS)

- Uh?

- (SCREAMING)

- BOY:
Dracula's the coolest.

Uh?

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)

- (MAN LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Whoa. Didn't see that coming.

Oh! Me neither. Ohh!

TV VOICEOVER:
Presenting

the classic Dracula action figure

with hypnotic, trance-inducing

spinning eyes...

DRACULA:

You are under my spell.

Ohh!

VOICEOVER:
.. victim-ready

spring-loaded fangs

and life-like coffin made

from real Transylvanian wood.

- Not made from real wood.

- Don't be frightened.

(LAUGHS)

Hypnotic spinning eyes?

Spring-loaded fangs?

Oh, I gotta have that.

Grams, Grams, did you see that?

Did you?

Without fangs, Sam -

I can't understand

a thing you're saying.

(SQUEAKS)

- Did you see that?

- Oh, I saw it, alright.

That's the creepiest doll

I've ever seen.

Doll? Doll... It's not a doll.

It's the greatest, most scariest

action figure ever.

It even comes

with a life-like coffin.

Oh! That's awfully morbid,

if you ask me.

- Well?

- Well what, dear?

Can I get one? Can I? Can I?

Oh, please.

Oh, no. Christmas is just

a few months away.

So why don't you write

Santa Claus a nice letter

and ask him

for this Dracula doll?

Action figure.

Of course. Action figure.

Hey, Webber.

(CHITTERS)

Christmas is so far away.

(CHITTERS)

But Halloween

is just around the corner.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Dear Dracula,

I am your biggest fan.

- (THUNDER ROARS)

- (SPOOKY, DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- (GASPS)

- (EERIE HOWL)

(SPOOKY WHISTLING)

Oh, yikes!

Mommy. Mommy! (WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS)

(BAT SCREECHES)

Ohh. Almost there.

Almost there. Almost there.

(DISTANT HOWL)

(HUMS CHEERFULLY)

- Boo!

- (SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Gotcha!

Ahh! Ohh!

Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoa, whoa!

(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

(SIGHS) Master,

why must you scare me so?

- Mirroe!

- (SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS) Gotcha again!

Enough, Master.

I beg you!

Oh, no! Can't hang on...

Losing grip!

(SCREAMS AND GROANS)

It's a good thing

this soft chair was here

to break my fall.

(SCREAMS)

Help me! This chair is alive!

- Mirroe.

- (SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERS) No more, Master.

You're killing me.

Killing me, I tell you!

Ahh. Ah, you're too kind,

Mirroe.

Whatever do you mean, Master?

Ah, what's the use?

I've lost it.

Nobody's scared of Count Dracula

anymore.

Bite your tongue, Master.

The mere mention of your name

still makes some people

quiver in their boots.

If they're wearing boots,

that is.

Whatever their chosen footwear,

they quake when they hear...

(SINISTER VOICE)

..Count Dracula!

(THUNDER BOOMS)

SOME people -

that's the problem, Mirroe.

There was a time

when everyone would shudder

when my name was spoken.

But today the younger generation

don't find me scary.

Nonsense, Master.

No, it's true!

Today the young ones

are more afraid

of faceless goons

with chainsaws

than classic monsters

such as myself,

the werewolf and the mummy.

I've got to be honest,

I never really found the mummy

all that scary.

(SIGHS) Still,

those were the days, Mirroe.

Of course, Master.

- (TYRES SCREECH)

- Huh?

What was that, Mirroe?

Why, it's the mailman, Master.

Ahh! (SNIGGERS)

I am going to scare him good.

(SQUAWKS)

(MAILMAN WHIMPERS)

Mommy, Mommy... (WHIMPERS)

(LAUGHS) I'll just wait here

until the moment is right.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(TEETH CHATTER)

Easy, Gus, easy.

You can do this.

(WHIMPERS)

- Oh, gosh.

- (DOOR HANDLE SQUEAKS)

Ah! Ooh! Ah!

(GROANS)

Greetings.

(GROANS)

D-d-delivery...

(INHALES)..for C... C... C...

...Count Dracula.

- Boo!

- (SCREAMS)

- Gee!

- (TYRES SCREECH)

Ahh! Not exactly as I planned.

But still, I scared him good.

Yes, Master, you certainly did.

And, look, Master,

we have mail.

Fan mail.

Ex... cellent!

Just dump it all on the floor,

Mirroe, anywhere.

But, Master...

Ahh, I see.

(READS) "Dear Dracula..."

Who's it from, Master?

Who? Who?

What are you, an owl, Mirroe?

It is from some little boy

named Sam.

All the way from America.

Listen to this.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Dear Dracula,

"My name is Sam

"and I am your biggest fan."

How exciting, Master.

But by 'biggest',

does this Sam mean he's a giant

or that he admires you

more than anyone else?

After me, of course. (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS AND CHUCKLES)

Hush, Mirroe.

Show a little respect when

Master is reading his fan mail.

Yes, Master.

(MUTTERS)

(CHAIR SCRAPES NOISILY)

Mirroe! (CLEARS THROAT)

Won't happen again.

(MUTTERS)

Whoa... whoa.

- Whoa!

- (CRASH!)

Forgive me, Master.

- Mirroe...

- (SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC)

...pack your bags.

(GASPS) But, Master,

I said sorry.

Please don't fire me.

Pull out my travel coffin

and put some fresh dirt in it.

But, wait... Uh, what?

We're going to America

to see this Sam.

Oh... Ohh!

(CHUCKLES) Yes, Master!

So, what do you think, Webber?

(GRUNTS)

- (CHITTERS)

- Yeah, you're right.

I think it needs a spider web.

Something really cool

and scary, OK?

(CHITTERS)

GIRL:

Look, it's that weirdo - Sam.

And he's talking to

his pet spider.

- Again.

- (GIRLS LAUGH)

Cut it out, Nicole.

- Hey, Sam.

- Hi.

Uh, I'm having a Halloween

party at my house tonight.

I was wondering

if you'd like to come.

Ah... I don't know, I told Grams

I'd help her

with the trick-or-treaters.

Well, I hope you can make it.

I mean, it's just across

the street.

- (GIGGLES)

- OK.

I'll think about it

and I'll talk to Grams.

- (RETCHES)

- (LAUGHS)

Eugh! What are you doing

talking to the bug whisperer?

Seriously,

that dude's beyond creepy.

He is not creepy.

He's... different.

Well, maybe you wanna stay here

and hang out with Mr Different,

but we're outta here.

- Come on.

- Webber, no!

- (GROWLS)

- (SCREAMS)

Tarantula!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Not cool, spider dude.

Definitely not cool!

(CHITTERS)

(LAUGHS) That was awesome,

little guy.

She totally deserved it.

(LAUGHS)

Listen, tell Sam he should come

to my party, OK?

- (CHITTERS)

- OK.

See you.

Webber, that was bad.

Very funny. Uh, but bad.

Well, maybe 'bad' is

the wrong word.

No, I am not going.

- Sam.

- Coming.

So will you work on the web?

Remember, cool and scary.

Oh, and happy Halloween, Webber.

Hey, Grams.

Stop it.

Not on my watch, mister.

Was that Emma I saw you

talking to out there?

Yeah.

- So, are you going?

- Going where?

Are you going to Emma's

Halloween party tonight?

Were you eavesdropping, Grams?

No, dear. I would never

eavesdrop on purpose.

I prefer to think of it

as overhearing.

And I think I overheard Emma

invite you to her party.

- So are you going?

- Uh-uh.

Oh, good, because there's

no way I could sit through

the monster movie marathon

on my own.

It's our Halloween tradition.

(SIGHS) I know, Grams. I know.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(PLONK!)

DRACULA:

Mirroe, are we there yet?

Not yet, Master.

(GRUNTS)

(MIRROE GROANS)

(GRUNTS AND COUGHS)

(RETCHES AND COUGHS)

DRACULA:
Are we there yet?

Master, we're finally there.

I...I mean here.

DRACULA:
Excellent!

Now, then, take me up

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