Dear Dracula Page #2

to the front door

so I can make a grand entrance.

(GRUNTS AND STRAINS)

Yes, Master.

(GRUNTS REPEATEDLY)

And, Mirroe, make sure

the sunlight won't be on me -

it won't be much of an entrance

if I turn to dust

the second the coffin opens,

now, would it?

No, Master.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- (SWITCHES ON TV)

Oh, trick-or-treaters.

My, my, they start earlier

each year.

Oh, my!

(WOOD CREAKS)

Good evening, madam.

Aren't you a little old

to be trick-or-treating?

(LAUGHS) Charming.

But I am not

a trick-or-treater.

What are you selling, then?

Madam, I've travelled

a very long way.

Is this the house of Sam?

Who wants to know exactly?

- I am Count Dracula.

- (SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC)

Well, whatever you're selling,

I'm not buying.

- Whoa!

- Ohh!

Way to dodge the vase, Master.

Ohh!

- Calm down, Granny. Calm down.

- (GRUNTS)

This is not going well.

Tell me about it, Master.

- (BOTH GRUNT)

- Ah!

Get off my property,

you hoodlums.

- No!

- Oh, Master, no. No.

We must get you

out of the sunlight.

(SIZZLING SOUND)

(GRUNTS) You leave me

no choice, Granny.

Look into my eyes.

Uh...

You're under my spell.

I am under your spell.

We are friends of Sam's,

from school.

(ZOMBIE-LIKE) In that case,

won't you please come in?

Mirroe, we're in.

(SQUAWKS)

I am Count Dracula!

Whoa!

The one and only Count Dracula

is in my living room!

On Halloween!

Oh, how cool is that?

Yes. How cool is that?

I know you wanted a toy doll,

but I brought

something better -

the real Dracula.

(DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS)

You look like you're about to

eat me.

I thought I was

the vampire here.

Close your mouth.

You're making me nervous.

(SQUAWKS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Master.

Ah. Sam, this is Mirroe.

Mirroe, this is the little boy

who wrote the letter.

Oh! Hey, Mirroe. Welcome.

Thank you, Master Sam.

A pleasure to meet you.

So, you're like the Count's

assistant or something?

Technically, I'm...

...a certified henchman.

Majored in vampire history

and ghoulage.

I don't like to toot

my own horn,

but I'm also

an accomplished gravedigger.

(GRUNTS)

DRACULA:

Mirroe, you're being modest.

He's the best.

Thank you, Master.

(ZOMBIE-LIKE)

Sam, would your friends like to watch

the monster movie marathon with us?

Guys?

Why, that sounds delightful,

Grandma.

And you're all done

throwing things, yes?

Of course, dear.

(WEBBER SQUEAKS)

Oh, Webber, I'd like you to meet

Mirroe and Count Dracula.

He's visiting me all the way

from Transylvania.

(WEBBER CHITTERS)

Soda?

They're drinks.

- (SODA CAN CREAKS)

- Ahh!

I'm so sorry.

I'll clean it up.

- (DRINK FIZZES)

- That's one way.

(STOMACH GURGLES)

(BURPS)

What was that?

Did that come from me?

(LAUGHS) That was a burp.

A monster burp.

Burps, movie marathons.

There is much to learn.

Continue your teachings,

young Sam.

(BURPS)

OK, the first movie is about

a new breed of vampires.

It's called 'Demons at Dusk'.

(GENTLE MUSIC

ON MOVIE SOUNDTRACK)

WOMAN ON TV:
Oh, Edmund,

you will be mine some day.

(SWITCHES OFF TV)

So what did you think, Count?

That was rubbish!

Absolute hogwash.

Vampires aren't pretty boys

that sparkle in the sun.

Real vampires burn

and crumble into dust

when exposed to daylight.

- Ha!

- OK.

But this is what scares kids

today.

Ah, that was awful.

I'm embarrassed to be a vampire

after seeing that.

What's next?

Something scary, I hope.

Oh, this one's scary, alright.

It's 'Blade Saw VII'.

Who is the monster?

Anyone I know?

Uh, he's not exactly

a real monster

like you or Frankenstein.

He's more of a deranged killer

who forces people to do

horrible things as punishment.

(SCOFFS)

Doesn't sound so scary.

(GHOULISH GROWLING)

(POWER SAW WHIRRS)

(WEBBER SQUEAKS)

MAN ON TV:
There is only

one way out of here.

(SCREAMS)

(WEBBER CHATTERS)

Turn it off, Sam.

I've seen enough.

(SWITCHES OFF TV)

What's wrong?

Call me old-fashioned,

but that's not scary.

(TEETH CHATTER)

Really?

(GROANS)

It's gruesome -

there's no fright,

no goose bumps,

no shivers running down

the spine.

(SIGHS)

I need some fresh air.

Master!

(DOOR OPENS)

- Sam, do something. I beg you.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

(CHILDREN CHATTER)

SAM:
Count, wait up.

(CHITTERS)

DRACULA:
Seriously.

Eh, what are you? I...

That's not scary.

MIRROE:
Master!

- Count.

- DRACULA:
Ahh.

- Sam.

- (BOTH SCREAM)

Tell me something,

what does Halloween mean

to you?

Besides the candy?

Oh, I almost forgot about that.

Mirroe, run up to that house

and get the Count's

favourite candy.

The swirly taffy?

No, bleurgh.

That stuff sticks to my fangs.

You know what I like.

But of course, Master.

Whoa! (SCREAMS)

Help me!

- Ohh!

- (CAT MIAOWS)

Ohh!

Master, Master,

look what I got.

Candy corn!

My favourite!

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. So, what does

Halloween mean to you?

Besides the sweet, free candy.

For me, it's the thrill

of the scare.

(GRUNTS AND GULPS)

(GROWLS)

Exactly.

It's fright night, no?

So where are all the ghouls,

goblins and monsters?

Why are there so many unworthy

costumes on Halloween?

Seriously,

cowboys aren't scary.

- (DOG YAPS)

- Ahh!

A poodle dressed as ballerina

is ridiculous

but definitely not scary.

Yeah. That's a totally different

kind of scary.

And what is this?

A child hot dog with

a zigzag dollop of mustard.

Not scary.

Yeah? Well, boring old vampires

aren't scary either.

They're lame.

How dare you,

you oversized sausage?

I've been scaring people

since your

great-great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-great-

great-great-great-great-

- great-great-great-great...

- (YAWNS)

...great-great-great-grandfather

was in diapers.

Lame.

- (SIGHS)

- Look, Count.

Back in the day,

you were untouchable.

But there are a lot of other

scary creatures out there now.

Nonsense! I'll show you.

Sam, weren't you even

a little teensy bit frightened

when you saw Master swoop

in here?

Uh, what didn't you understand

about my letter?

I'm his biggest fan.

Did you see the fright

he gave your granny?

Master scared her so bad,

he had to put her in a trance.

- (LAUGHS)

- (HYPNOTIC WARBLE)

Don't worry, she's fine.

Don't be so delusional, Mirroe -

Grandma wasn't frightened.

She just hates

door-to-door salesmen.

You weren't scary.

(CHILDREN CHATTER AND LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

Boo!

Bah!

Arrh!

(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)

(OWL HOOTS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, these are sad times,

Master Sam.

No-one seems to find Dracula

scary anymore.

Ah! That's not true.

Dracula's the scariest creature

of all time.

Now you are the one

being delusional.

The sad truth is no-one tries

to lynch us anymore.

There are no vampire hunters

ready to stake us

around every corner.

And yours is the only fan mail

Dracula has received in years.

Aye. Is true.

It's really true.

I'm no longer the menacing

monster I once was.

Count, I think I know

what the problem is.

Your scare is wearing

a little thin.

You're still Dracula.

You were once the most fearsome

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