Dear Dumb Diary

---

My name is Jamie Kelly.

I'm an artist and a writer

and an expert on all things beautiful.

Inner beauty, outer beauty-

you name it.

I go to Mackerel Middle School.

Hey, you'd think

they named it after a fish

because so many of the kids

are working below a "C" level.

Okay, bad joke.

Forget I ever said that.

My best friend is Isabella.

Isabella is probably one

of the nicest people you'll ever meet,

even though you can't tell

by looking at her

or meeting her

or knowing her your whole life.

Okay, Isabella

is my second-best friend.

My best friend is...

well, my best friend is someone

I can tell anything to,

even the really weird things

that keep happening to me.

Is it just me,

or is it possible that everything

in middle school is a weird thing?

To answer that question,

I need to figure out

the meaning of life.

But until then,

my best friend is my diary,

my dear dumb diary.

# Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S

# Yada yah yah yah yah #

If I didn't give you

permission to read this diary,

you better stop reading right now.

If you are my parents, then yes,

I know I'm not allowed

to call people idiots and tools

and trolls and all that.

But this is a diary.

And I didn't actually

call them anything,

I wrote it.

And if you punish me for it,

then I will know that you read my diary,

which you did not

have permission to do.

Now by the power vested in me,

I do promise that everything

in this diary is true.

Or, at least as true

as I think it needs be.

# Are you sure you're supposed to be #

# Reading someone else's diary? S

# It might be time to stop and think #

# 'Cause I wrote this down

in poison ink #

Poisoning somehow seems wrong.

# If you read a little secret

about Isabella #

# You really shouldn't know it,

so just don't tell her S

# Just let your mind flip

into a comfortable numbness #

# But never underestimate

your own dumbness #

# Idiots and fools and goons

and half-wits #

# It's not my fault I know everything #

# Information is revealed

on a need-to-know basis #

# It's all in my dear dumb diary #

# Read it in my dear dumb diary #

# If this is you, freaky beauty queen #

# Otherwise known as Angeline #

# Don't you dare take another peek #

# 'Cause I won't turn the other... #

# Idiots and fools and goons

and half-wits #

# It's not my fault I know everything #

# Information is revealed

on a need-to-know basis #

# It's all in my dear dumb diary #

# Read it in my dear dumb diary #

# Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah S

# Yada yah yah yah yah #

J' Yada yah yah yah yah yah yah J'

# Yada yah yah yah yah. #

I know, I pretty much rock.

That's why all the dudes

are crazy about me.

Dudes like Hudson Rivers.

He knows I got it.

Hey, Jamie, check it out.

New dance I'm working on.

It's called the Choke.

Did you say something, Hudson?

Yeah, the box you made me

for my birthday, for my arthropods...

I was up all night labeling.

Doesn't it look cool?

I'm sorry.

Here, let me help you with that.

I've dropped things before and I know

how much trouble droppage can be.

Bugs don't bother you?

Each of these beautiful invertebrates

has their own special role

in nature, you know?

Every creature has its place.

And my place... it's next to you.

We're like two Swallowtail butterflies

meant to flap their wings together,

side by side.

Yep, two Swallowtail butterflies

with their pet unicorn

who has his own pet,

which is a koala.

What?

I said I thought I had more beetles.

Did you see any more of them?

No. You know, Hudson,

I've been thinking...

- Hey, Angeline.

- See, dumb diary,

there's one small problem.

The universe has afflicted me

with a girl of such genetic superiority

that my own personal awesomeness,

which by just about any standard

is sufficiently awesome,

is made to look sub-awesome.

Is that your lip gloss I smell?

Watermelon Splash?

It's great.

Good news, Hudson... you could be

a professional smeller if you wanted.

Yeah, you sure smell a lot.

And just like that,

Hudson followed Angeline

like my dog Stinker

following a pork chop.

Watermelon Splash?

Angeline just stole

my signature lip-gloss flavor.

This could get ugly, kids.

Normally I hate seeing

my best friend Isabella angry.

But now she's mad at Angeline,

and I can live with that.

Miss Bruntford

would like to remind students

that Tofu loaf...

But more difficult to live

with was having to sit

through Mr. Vandoy's class.

He's famous at Mackerel

for a historical fact of his own.

He was born with no personality.

When the doctor spanked him,

he just said...

"Really?

Is that absolutely necessary?"

In other news,

Mackerel Middle School

is proud to announce

the first district-wide Jump-A-Thon.

When you're that pretty,

you can't tell right from wrong.

She's blinded by her own beauty.

That's not fair.

Angeline completely throws off

the attractiveness curve.

I could be gorgeous

and we wouldn't even know it.

Dear dumb diary,

I'm having a brainstorm

of gigantic proportions.

What if all the average-looking people

in the world banned together?

Seriously, isn't it time we took a stand

against the effortlessly beautiful?

# On behalf of the 99% of us #

# We won't bow down

to the 1% of the populace S

# We're not going to drop down

and take it, now are we? #

# Just because they look

like Ken and Barbie #

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world

will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature

are rounded up #

# And banished #

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

# Your sweet-smelling symmetry

is starting to sicken me #

# I'm gonna puke my guts

in your perfect hair #

# You're so wonderful,

flawless and joyful #

# We're gonna ship you to an island #

# And leave you there... J'

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

# Perfect people #

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world

will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature

are rounded up #

# And banished #

# Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go... #

I hereby declare the need

for an equal playing field

for all humanity.

Here is my proposal-hair tattooed

on the legs of the pretty people,

permanent unibrows

surgically implanted

on the foreheads

of the effortlessly beautiful,

super stinky pit stains embedded

in the shirts of the overly confident.

I do solemnly swear

that we will once and for all

put an end

to your sickeningly cute injustices,

now and for all eternity!

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

# The perfect people #

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world

will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature

are rounded up #

# And banished #

# Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go-o-o #

# Perfect people #

J' Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go J'

J' All the problems of the world

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