Dear Dumb Diary Page #2

---

will vanish #

# When the freaks of nature

are rounded up #

# And banished #

# Perfect people of the world,

you've got to go-o-o #

# Perfect people... #

You're beautiful and you smell great

and you're nice to be around.

But I'm sorry, you've gotta go!

Jamie

Jamie?

Your hands are raised.

Do you want to sign up

for the Jump-A-Thon?

Angeline was the first

to sign her name.

Hmm?

Come on, Jamie,

it's for a good cause.

What have you got to lose?

Hey, I came prepared.

So did I, Dad.

Nice.

Ta-dah!

Mom is up to her usual hijinx,

committing dinner

against the entire family.

- I heard that, Jamie.

- I didn't say anything.

You should be grateful.

There are plenty of children...

"all over Where-the-Heck-istan..."

...who would love my casserole.

Casserole!

That's what that is.

Mmm, yum.

It seems to me that the kids

in Where-the-Heck-istan

have enough problems without

dumping Mom's casseroles on them too.

- Hello? Carol!

- It's Aunt Carol!

- No, Carol, it's a fine time.

- Let me talk to her!

Hey,

- why the long face, chief?

- Nothing.

- Are you sure?

- Nothing.

- What's wrong? What's wrong?

- Nothing. Nothing.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- What's for dessert?

- All right.

All right. I just-I don't like school

very much right now, okay?

That's because school

is supposed to prepare you for real life

- which also really s~

- Honey?

Sweetheart?

I just-I feel kind of invisible

at school sometimes.

Well...

I understand, Jamie.

When I was your age,

I had a football coach

who would sit me on the bench.

Dear dumb diary,

doesn't my dad realize my life

has nothing to do with football?

Seriously, these guys

do recess for a living.

What I need is a...

After a while, though,

I started making friends...

That's it!

The thing that's gonna

make me sparkle.

Actually sparkles!

Yes.

Why didn't I think of it before?

If there's one thing I know,

it's the science of shimmer.

More blue!

Oh, no.

More pink! Yeah!

Oh, this was an excellent year

for hot magenta.

Thank you.

Sequinization!

Rhinestonery!

Emflowerment!

Stickerating!

I'm even thinking

because of my monumental art project

glitter can become...

a college major.

I wouldn't be surprised

if they put it on coins,

or cars...

...or even the Statue of Liberty.

And this year's Pulitzer Prize

for World Peace through Glitter

goes to Jamie Kelly!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mackerel Middle School history

is about to be made.

Jamie, what have you got there?

Isn't she gorgeous?

Meet Miss Anderson, art teacher.

She's my BFT, which is like a BFF,

except for teachers.

I have something to show you.

You may want to brace yourself.

What is it?

Oh, Jamie,

it's magnificent.

I'm afraid I have bad news.

Due to significant budget cuts,

certain extra-curricular activities

are being eliminated this year,

including...

Thespian Society,

Model United Nations,

the art program...

- Breathe.

- Can't.

In, out.

No art.

This could be the end of Jamie Kelly.

This could be the end of all artists.

What?!

Ow!

Breathing again.

You're welcome.

That's why our school's fundraisers

are more important than ever.

So I need to see everyone

at Mackerel Middle

get behind this year's Jump-A-Thon!

Ho ho ho!

Did you know every year

500 children get injured

in a tragic jump-roping accident?

It's true...

and funny.

That's what I'm talking about.

The event will involve

all five middle schools in the district,

and listen up, friends-

certain local businesses

have chipped in

and awarded $10,000

to the school whose student

wins the Jump-A-Thon!

Whoo! Whoo hoo!

Is that really like caramel apple?

There are 350 lip-gloss flavors

in the world.

You'd think with all those choices,

certain people could keep

their well-manicured paws

off other people's

signature flavors.

Now what do you say, friends?

Can we band together

and raise some money

for Mackerel Middle-

Yeah!

Come on, everybody.

We can do it.

'Cause we're all in this together!

Shut it, Cupcake!

This isn't the end of it.

My time to shine isn't going

to be ripped away without a fight.

The school office

is a bleak and desolate place

where students with bloody noses

come for the expert healing powers

of the school nurse.

Here all are comforted

by the sweet

and pleasant personalities of...

the office ladies.

Butterscotch!

I need to speak

to Assistant Principal Devon.

The culture of our free world

is at stake.

Art! That's the cornerstone

of the whole world, of civilization!

What's the Earth

without art?!

It's just "eh."

Eh...

Do you know what you have

without art?

Well, basically, nothing.

Architecture-that's art.

Furniture-art!

- Our clothes-art!

- Jamie.

I got it.

I don't want to lose any program.

I want every student

to fly on the limitless wings

of eagles.

My job is to be a problem-solver.

And you can join me

in being a problem-solver too.

That's what I'm trying to do right now,

solve a really big problem.

You could sign up

for the Jump-A-Thon.

That's being part of the solution.

"Beeing part..." Bzzz.

Isabella says all fundraising

is a money-hungry scam.

Does she really?

And what does Isabella know

about fundraising?

Isabella knows about everything.

You're a good kid, Jamie.

But your friend Isabella

doesn't have all the answers.

Isabella says the people

who say things about her

- only do so because they're jealous.

- I'm not jealous of Isabella.

Isabella says that denying jealousy

is, like, the surest sign of jealousy.

Did you know

that Isabella told Mrs. Frundle

that her dress looked like something

you'd bury a clown in.

Isabella offers free fashion advice.

Her third-grade teacher

said that Isabella is a thief.

Isabella is a modern-day

Robin Hood,

in much better tights.

Finally, this.

Disruptive, unsanitary,

and frankly, ew.

Isabella is in touch

with her inner dolphin.

Bottom line,

Isabella is selfish.

You don't want to end up like that.

Wait.

So all of our dirty deeds-

all of our deepest secrets

live in that cabinet?

Pretty much.

Everyone has a record?

Without it, you don't even exist.

Assistant Principal Devon,

line three.

Whaaaa! Ah!

Oh.

This is tragic or something.

Turns out it was tragic.

She broke her hip.

Hips a big deal to office ladies.

They need them

for sitting around all day.

And when Assistant Principal Devon

called for help, I was alone

with all the permanent records.

Including Angeline's?

It was right there.

You know, it's true what they say...

without a permanent record,

you don't exist.

You basically walk the Earth

as a ghost.

Did you see my record?

Yours?

Eh, I may have seen it.

Jamie! Guess who it is.

Oh, that's my aunt Carol!

Gotta fly, pumpkin pie.

Catch you later, perspirator.

I told you, I switched my spy name

to Princess Unicornia!

Dear dumb diary,

isn't my aunt Carol incredible?

Her wardrobe is like the clothes

my old Barbies used to wear.

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