Death At A Funeral Page #10

the C-section scars.

I didn't know nothing about whip cream.

Nothing! I didn't even... 'Cause I'm diabetic,

so if I eat whip cream in the wrong place,

I'm gonna break out.

- Got him?

- Got him.

We can't just leave him like this.

Well, in a strange way,

this might be what he wanted.

Come on, man.

You can't be serious for one damn second?

Just forget it, man.

That's just more Ryan bullshit.

Why you gotta say sh*t like that?

Why don't you try laughing, enjoying life?

Be spontaneous for once.

It might make you a better writer.

- You done?

- Yeah, I'm done.

Let's do this.

Just this light came down on me,

and there was angels,

- but they were dressed like strippers.

- Look, look,

I really need to make a phone call.

There's a man outside on the roof

- and he's about to jump.

- Don't worry about it.

- He gonna be jumping for joy after I get...

- Wait, wait, hey!

But, Reverend, I haven't finished telling you.

- I met Shalawnda in the strip club.

- Let's pray.

Bye, Dad.

- Oscar...

- Don't come any closer,

- or I'm gonna jump off this roof.

- I love you. I only love you.

- What were you doing with him, then?

- I wasn't with him.

- I saw you kissing him passionately.

- He kissed me!

It doesn't matter. I'll never be good enough.

- That's not true.

- I'll never be good enough for your father.

- I'm never gonna be good enough for you.

- Baby, come inside, please.

- No, you go inside.

- You have to come with me.

Why should I?

Because you're gonna be a father.

- I'm pregnant?

- No.

- I'm pregnant.

- You're pregnant, too?

Yes. We're pregnant.

- We're gonna have a baby?

- Yeah.

Really?

Baby, you scared me. Don't do that.

We're having a baby!

- Great.

- It's okay.

I wish somebody would give me a baby.

You blew it, son!

This is... It's upsetting for me, too.

I'm gonna go check on Cynthia.

Aaron? Hurry up! People are coming inside!

Aaron! Is he gone?

- Looks like it.

- Well, everything's cool?

Everything's cool. It's...

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- Can we go now?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Oh, my God!

Oscar, hold on! Oh, my God!

Honey. Oh, sh*t.

- Jeff!

- F***!

- Jeff! Jeff, help me, please!

- Stay... Stay right... Stay right there!

- Elaine, stay right there!

- Be careful, he's on something.

- I got him, I got him.

- Okay?

Someone's coming up. You're gonna be fine.

- Jeff!

- I'm slipping, I'm slipping.

Pull yourself back up!

Jeff! Jeff, hurry up!

- Pull yourself back up!

- Okay, I can't do it.

- Somebody, help me, please!

- Help me!

- Jeff!

- Jeff!

- Oscar, I'm coming!

- Come on.

Oscar!

Baby, please, help me, help me.

I can't hold you.

- Who's that?

- I got him. I got him.

- Jeff! It's Jeff!

- Jeff?

My manhood is being questioned right now.

Just... Come on.

- You have him?

- Yeah, it's on my cheek.

- Okay. I'm letting go now!

- It's on my cheek, Elaine.

- You're okay, Jeff has you.

- He's incredibly endowed.

I could use some help here, please.

- Yeah.

- I got you, buddy.

- You're so beautiful.

- Okay, I love you.

I love you!

Hi, Miss Cynthia.

Norman.

Is that you?

Aaron?

- Aaron, I really think we should start again.

- I'll get the reverend.

Ryan, thank you so much

for getting things back on track.

I am really so glad you're here.

Where's Uncle Russell?

I'm starting to feel better.

- Good.

- Thanks to you. And you.

And you, Jeff. Thank you.

Thank you, Jeff.

- That was very brave.

- Hey. Whoa, whoa.

Listen, no offence, but, like, me and you

can't never touch again.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Jeff.

- All right.

Thank you.

I need to go get,

like, a big-ass Tic Tac right now.

Oh, God. Oh, baby.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Jeff...

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm just...

I'm just real vulnerable right now.

Do you have those buttons there?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Elaine.

- Dad.

- Thank God you're safe.

- Yes. We're good.

And you. You imbecile.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Stay away from my daughter.

- Look, Dad...

- Elaine, stay out of this.

No! I'm not gonna stay out of it.

This is my life.

You don't like it, too bad.

But I'm gonna tell you something.

If you wanna have me

and my child in your life,

you better change your attitude.

You got that?

- I love you.

- My little girl.

Yeah.

I love you, too, Dad.

What the f***'s going on in here?

- Sorry, Uncle Russell.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

Somebody was on the roof,

and we just had to get him off.

Okay, I got your pants.

I got your pants. Hold on.

Never mind that. What about

that dead body you dragged in here?

- What...

- Dead body?

- No dead body.

- Hey, don't mess with me!

I know a dead man when I see one.

I live in a goddamn retirement home.

Let's go, God damn it.

It smells in this room. Sh*t!

- How's the... How's the skin thing?

- I don't know.

I'm more concerned with the sh*t smell.

Can you tell?

Yeah, yeah, but the thing on your hand,

you just put a little vinegar on it.

That'll clear it right up.

It's an old family secret.

The sh*t thing, I can't help you with.

I would recommend a shower or a bath.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- I'm sorry about the whole Elaine thing, man.

- It's okay.

Did you hear she's gonna have a kid?

Can you see me as a dad?

- No.

- No.

Well, this sh*t's been crazy.

You have people falling out of the casket,

you got people hanging off the roof.

Can I have the keys?

I'm gonna go wait in the car.

- What?

- I'm just tired.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Hey.

- Love you.

- Hey, I love you, too.

I saw him! He was dead!

- I know you did, Uncle Russell. We all did.

- Sh*t.

No, dumbshit. In the bathroom.

He was in the bathroom dead.

I cannot believe

what a nightmare today has been.

I don't know, I think it's kind of exciting.

For a funeral.

- Listen, about that stuff earlier, I...

- I know, we'll work it out.

- Agreed?

- Agreed.

Let's just get through this day

and then we'll worry

about the rest of our lives.

I still have to give this eulogy.

After everything I found out.

We've really got

to get this damn thing started.

We've really got

to get this damn thing started.

Look, we're gonna have

to zip through this thing now, son.

I mean, I've already missed a funeral

and two christenings.

- Yeah, yeah, sure. Let's... Let's start.

- Okay. You want a open casket?

- No!

- No.

All right.

Everybody in their seats now.

- You with the hat?

- Yeah?

Sit on down.

Now, I'd like to apologise

on behalf of the family

for all of the distractions.

Aaron, the oldest son, would like to say

a few words about his father.

Thank you.

Okay.

"My father was an exceptional man.

"He was born in 19..."

- What the hell is going on now?

- There's someone in there.

I knew it! I knew it!

"He was born in 1930..."

Sh*t.

Sh*t.

What the f***!

What the f*** you doing

in my father's coffin?

Edward, I miss you!

Leave me with my Edward!

My picture. My beautiful memories!

No, Mama, don't. Give me...

You bastard!

My father!

My father was an exceptional man.

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