Death At A Funeral Page #9

in prison?

Cut that sh*t out.

No one here knows who this guy is.

Nobody knows his name.

They probably didn't even notice him.

Didn't notice him? He's four f***ing feet tall.

All we gotta do is get rid of the body.

- It'll be like he came and left.

- What are you gonna do,

put it on Craigslist?

Takes me two months to get rid of a couch!

Wait.

Did anybody see the size

of Uncle Edward's coffin?

You wanna bury him with our father?

I mean, why not?

It's not like anybody's gonna notice.

- Come on.

- Wait a minute.

You gotta admit it makes sense, Aaron.

I mean, think about it.

The coffin's here, the hole's in the ground.

I mean, unless you got a better suggestion,

big bro.

I say we bury the motherf***er.

It's funny. No matter what you say

or how many times you say it,

I'm still convinced

that we're gonna wind up together.

Well, we all make mistakes, don't we?

Elaine, I'm serious.

You only live once. All right?

So, you might as well do whatever it is

that's gonna make you the most happy.

Maybe I found something outside of myself

that I truly care about.

And maybe you should, too, Derek.

And I'm not talking about my father

or his money.

Well, that's just...

That's just downright cold.

- I care about you, Elaine.

- You don't, Derek. You care about you.

You care about me in relation to

how I affect you.

Not true, Elaine. I deserve you. I do.

- Get over yourself.

- I'm serious.

What is it about this guy?

What does he have that I don't?

Not success, right? Right?

Well, for one thing, he's caring.

- Come on.

- You wouldn't cross a room

to help somebody in need,

- and that's all Oscar ever does.

- Come on.

He helps people. He's considerate.

- He's thoughtful. He's stable.

- Yeah?

He's a bunch of things

that you will never be.

- Like naked on the roof.

- What?

Boy.

Oh, my God! Oscar!

Listen to me,

I should've done this hours ago.

What are you doing?

- I don't know, but come here.

- Stop it! No!

- Elaine? Oh, God.

- Get off me!

- Elaine!

- Oh, my God!

- Seriously.

- Oscar!

Oscar, it's okay. What are you doing?

- Could've had something beautiful, Elaine...

- Oscar!

...but you had to ruin it.

Not even bleeding. You hit like a girl.

Oscar! What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

- What are you doing?

- I saw you kissing him.

- No!

- No, I wasn't kissing him!

- Yes, I just saw it.

- You just kissed him!

- No, I didn't kiss him,

- I swear to you.

- One more thing, Elaine.

- You're a cheater.

- Shut up and get out of here!

She cheated on me. I'm gonna jump.

- No! Honey! Honey, please, calm down.

- That's it. I'm gonna go talk to Norman.

You guys are perfect for each other.

- You have drugs in your system.

- I'm gonna jump.

Oscar. No!

Oscar, get back here! Honey, please!

- I'm gonna jump.

- Oscar, you're gonna hurt yourself.

Oscar! Oh, my God!

- Oscar, are you okay?

- I'm fine, I'm okay.

Look at all you ants. Sh*t.

Sh*t, this is high up. Jesus Christ.

So, how we gonna get him to the coffin?

What about that Louis Vuitton bag

you brought?

We could fit two of him in there.

You know, Aaron, this ain't about us. Okay?

Come on, y'all, think.

- We should smuggle him in the laundry bag.

- Wow.

Like they do in the prison movies.

- Norman, it's Derek, let me in.

- Sh*t!

- All right, let's put him in the bathroom.

- Norman!

- Hold on!

- Norman.

Hold on! I'm trying to find my pants!

- What pants?

- Hold on!

Man, open the door. It's an emergency.

- Norman, please, let me in.

- Sh*t.

What the hell? Aaron?

What the hell's Uncle Russell doing

in the toilet?

- He had to go!

- I don't care, not in there, not now.

- What the hell's wrong with you?

- That's how I got old man poop...

Aaron? Open the door. Let me in.

- Hey, hey.

- Hey, Aaron.

I gotta talk to Norman right now.

Yeah, I'm here. What's up?

Hey, man, it's Oscar.

He went crazy. He's up...

- The hell's going on in here?

- Nothing. What?

It's Oscar, man. He went crazy.

He's up on the roof, stark naked.

He saw me kissing Elaine

and now he's threatening to jump.

- You were kissing Elaine?

- Yeah, I told you she was in love with me.

- Sh*t!

- What?

I gotta... I gotta go.

- Whoa, hold up. Where you going, big boy?

- Ry, Ry, if he jumps,

my sister's gonna kill me.

You know I wouldn't jump ship,

but I gotta go. Aaron, I'm out.

Sh*t! I gotta go. Lock up. Don't kill anybody.

- She's cheating on me! That girl right there.

- Please, come down, baby.

- I'm gonna jump now.

- Oscar. Oscar, what are you doing?

- She cheated on me!

- Oscar.

I didn't do anything! He kissed me!

Oscar! Try to get down.

Please, come down, baby.

- I don't want you to hurt yourself.

- I saw you kissing him,

cheating on me right in front of me.

What was that?

- Can we just talk about it in here?

- Cheater, cheater, Derek eater,

- had a dada, something, something.

- Oscar, please!

You be quiet, Jezebel!

Cheaters never win, winners never cheat.

- I'm coming up.

- No, ma'am.

You don't wanna come back inside,

- so I'm coming up.

- Elaine, this is a man's job!

- You can't... Don't come up here!

- Don't do that! What are you doing?

- Elaine. Elaine!

- You come up here, I'm jumping.

One more step, I'm...

I'm jumping off this roof.

- Elaine!

- Elaine.

- Elaine!

- Don't come up here! I'm gonna jump.

What are you doing? Elaine!

- Hey.

- Hey!

- God, what are you doing now?

- Hey, hey, hey.

I think I can get rid of this guy,

but I need you to stay out here

and make sure that nobody comes in, okay?

Okay, fine, fine, fine. I'll do what I can.

- But, listen, you owe me.

- Okay.

- Big time.

- Okay, okay, all the sperm you want.

- All the sperm you want.

- Yeah, please.

- Don't.

- All the sperm I want. All the sperm I want.

Okay.

- Who is it?

- It's Aaron.

Who do you think it is? Open the door.

Everybody's outside.

We gotta move this body right now.

- Well, let's do it.

- Let's go for it.

- Let me get my arms up.

- Come on. Come on.

- You got that?

- Be gentle, be gentle.

Just because he's dead

don't mean he can't bruise.

- He's small, but he's heavy as sh*t.

- You turn him around this way.

- Come on. You go first.

- Be careful with his head.

- All right.

- Be careful with his head.

I wish Dad would've picked a smaller guy.

Quick.

Quick.

You got it. Come on.

- Make sure no one comes in.

- Okay.

Hey there, young fellow.

- Hey, Reverend!

- You think I can find a phone somewhere?

There's something I wanna ask you.

At what age did you decide

to get your church on?

Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out.

- I really need to use the phone.

- That's cool.

- Was there one inside here?

- No, there's no one inside there,

but I need to make a confession.

- I'm not a priest.

- That's all right, 'cause I'm not a Catholic!

It's just that, I know that I've been touched

in some religious fashion.

I'm addicted to strip clubs.

The smell, the pole, the stretch marks,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes