Death At A Funeral Page #2

You could take your hand off

my husband's coffin.

You are leaving a smudge mark.

Is she shooting us the finger?

Or is she just waving?

That's nice, ladies! Thank you!

- There he is.

- What?

- He's okay.

- He's gonna need assistance?

He's just grumpy.

You got to know how to handle him.

Oh, he looks kind of sweet.

- Hi, Uncle Russell!

- Hi, Uncle Russell!

You remember me? I'm Norman.

I came to pick you up

and take you to the funeral.

Where the f*** you been, you fat bastard?

You took any longer, I'd be dead, too!

Sh*t, good thing you know

how to handle him.

Would you like to ride shotgun?

Stop the game, all right?

...take this missile in your ass.

- Listen.

- Yes, the pills. I have them.

- They're right here.

- All right, cool. Can I come and get them?

- I have a funeral to go to. Sh*t!

- Whatever. Man, I'll come over there.

- F***.

- Did you try them?

No, no, I'm not gonna try them. I made them.

But they're good, right? The stuff's good?

I got to go.

Never get high on your own supply.

And, dude, this sh*t's gonna

blow your mind, I guarantee it.

You'll love it. All right, got to go. Bye.

Do you always open the door half naked?

Come on, Jeff, we're gonna be late.

All I got to do is just put some pants on.

And this is my house, so...

You all right, man?

- He's fine. He's just freaking out.

- Is he okay?

- A car almost ran into us, and I was yelling.

- And this guy just jumped right in our lane.

- I didn't see him.

- He did, he totally did.

- I'm sorry, baby, I...

- No, baby, it's fine. It's fine, okay?

You guys are funny.

Hey, what do you think?

- Yes, no?

- No.

- Go put on your pants, please.

- All right.

And make sure they're black, Jeffrey!

Okay, Mom.

- I'm so hungry.

- God, my heart is racing.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh, here. Take this one.

It'll calm you down. Jeff won't mind.

What do you mean, take one of those?

What is that?

It's Valium. I used to take it all the time.

It's gonna make you feel better, I promise.

- Valium, are you sure?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- You know, I shouldn't be taking

someone else's pills, right?

- No, it's okay.

- I got to drive and...

Babe, I'll drive. All right?

Just open wide. There we go. Take...

Let's do this.

- Oh, my keys.

- Jeff, you're wearing sneakers?

- They're black, Elaine.

- But they're sneakers, Jeff.

Is he gonna be any less dead

if I'm not wearing sneakers?

- Forget it. Let's just go. Can I just...

- No, I got it.

Okay.

- Come on, Jeff.

- I'm coming. I'm coming.

- We're waiting.

- Oh, shoot!

I still can't believe he's gone.

You can't understand death

until you've given life.

- Hey, Mama.

- Ryan, my baby!

Hey.

Mama, I know this is hard,

but it's gonna be okay,

and we're gonna get through it.

Oh, Ryan, you always know

exactly what to say, always!

I guess if people died every week,

we'd see you all the time.

- Hey, big bro. How you doing?

- Holding up.

- How was your flight, Ryan?

- It was okay.

But I had to buy the seat next to me.

I just can't do the small talk any more.

And while I'm sitting there, up in first class,

they march all the broke people through.

And a couple of them eyeballing me,

mad because I'm snacking on warm nuts.

So I'm like, "Take your broke,

no-nuts ass to the back of the plane."

Plus, there was tons of turbulence,

but I guess that's the thing

about flying first class.

No matter how much you pay,

if the plane crashes, you still end up dead.

- End up dead!

- I'll make sure she's okay.

- Please.

- End up dead!

You always know just what to say.

My bad.

Hey. I love it when you come

to family functions, man.

Because Dad takes his pure hate out on you.

- Jeff.

- I'm joking. Oscar.

You okay?

Was there a dog in here just now?

- What?

- What?

Like a Dalmatian or a Schnauzer?

- Honey, what are you talking about?

- I don't know.

It's just a shame that somebody

has to die to get the family together.

It was hard to see Dad like this.

He's in a better place now, right?

- He was sick a long time.

- Since when does dead beat sick?

You know what I mean.

This is why I try not to get close to people.

- Too much emotion involved.

- Guess that's why you never call.

Some families see each other all the time,

some meet up at funerals.

That's just us.

Hey, listen, I know this is a bad time,

but I'm gonna need that money.

- Sh*t.

- We're splitting these costs, right?

Okay. But I don't have it right now.

What the f*** you mean,

you don't have it right now?

You just bought a first class ticket

for your toothbrush.

I don't have any cash. Honest.

I lost a lot of sh*t when the market collapsed.

So, if you don't mind,

we gonna have to discuss this later.

- No, no, no, no, let's discuss this right now.

- Hey, you mind?

I'm grieving.

Look at all these cars.

You got to get to these funerals early.

Come on. There's nowhere to park.

- What? There's a spot right there. Grab it.

- That looks like it's too close to the corner.

- Nah. You can wedge it in there. Grab it.

- I don't need a ticket today.

You're not gonna get a ticket.

Would you just...

You're gonna lose it. Grab it.

Norman! Come on. Now, see?

Elaine! I was gonna park there.

Oh, I'm sorry, Norman. Are you family?

- No, but I'm like family.

- Oh, honey, there's no such thing.

- Elaine.

- Oh, God.

- Hey.

- What are you doing here?

Well, your father invited me.

Thought you might need

a real shoulder to cry on.

- Oh, please. Come on. Oscar.

- Who the f***'s that?

He... Come on, honey. We're here.

- You all right?

- Come on.

We there?

- Yeah.

- Damn. I got Uncle Russell.

How could I forget about Uncle Russell?

I said what's happening?

What the hell is going on?

What the f***'s this guy doing?

It's very green here, isn't it?

It's, like, so green.

Like, God, wow, it's like...

It's like I'm inside a lime.

- Oscar?

- Yes?

- Look at me.

- Okay.

Hi. Are you all right?

Yeah, why?

All this stuff about dogs

and things being green.

What's going on?

What are you talking about?

I'm fine. I've never been greener.

Jeff, look at this.

- Hello.

- What's wrong with Oscar?

- I don't know.

- You guys keep playing.

Oh, my God. It's the Valium.

- Valium?

- I'm in the band.

I gave him one of your Valium.

He's probably not used to it.

- Yeah, right.

- I know you were looking.

Where's he going?

- Oscar!

- Sh*t.

- You're going the wrong way, dumbass!

- That hurts!

- Stop the car, Norman.

- What?

Stop the car! I'm getting out.

I got to talk to her.

I got to speak to Elaine. Stop the car.

What about Uncle Russell?

- I need you to help...

- Where are we?

- We're gonna be late, fattie!

- Damn it!

Uncle Russell, you hit me in my splotch.

You got to stop this, Uncle Russell,

or you gonna be in a box next.

- Hey, how you doing? All right.

- Thank you.

Who are these people?

I don't recognise half of them.

It's your family. You don't recognise

them from the last funeral?

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