Death At A Funeral Page #3

What side of the family is he on?

Probably a friend of Dad's from work.

You know, the funeral looks good.

You did a good job.

No, we did a good job.

Are you telling me I got to pay

for the whole funeral?

I'm saying you gonna have to pay

for the whole thing now.

All right, just for a few months,

till I get my next advance.

What am I, a damn credit union?

Goddamn, man! What the f***?

Jesus Christ!

Hello, boys. How you holding up?

We're doing pretty good.

We just got to wait for a few more people

to come and then we can start.

Have you met my brother, Ryan?

The writer? Oh, man!

You know, I got to tell you,

I squeezed this job in today

because I really wanted to meet you.

Listen, I just finished reading

Momma's Secret.

But, listen, that'll be our little secret,

because I'm not supposed to

be reading that kind of stuff, you know?

Right. Well, I'm sure the Lord'll forgive you.

- I can't wait to hear your eulogy.

- Actually, I'm doing the eulogy.

- Oh, I thought...

- Well, Aaron's the oldest, technically.

Really?

- How's my little Cynthia?

- Oh, Duncan.

Oh, look at you.

I'm just trying to hold it all together.

He was a good husband and a great father

to two healthy, strong boys.

Why they have decided not to have

children of their own

- is beyond me.

- Cynthia.

Can I get you some coffee?

Coffee may do many things, Michelle,

but it does not bring back the dead.

Tea?

- Hey, Ryan.

- Yeah.

I got to go over the speech.

Could you look out for Uncle Russell?

Look at Martina.

Man, that girl is all grown up.

Come on, man. Little Martina?

She's, like, in the 12th grade.

Yeah, well, she may be in 12th grade,

but that ass is in grad school.

- Anyway...

- I should go see how she's doing.

You know, that's just being neighbourly.

Yeah, you just do that.

- See if she needs a juice box or something.

- Man!

"My father was an exceptional man.

- "He was born in 19..."

- 1938.

Hi, there, Aaron.

Hi. How's it going?

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

He talked about you a lot.

Did he ever mention me? I'm sorry. Frank.

Not really.

Honey. Can I see you for a moment?

One second. I got to go, Frank.

Thanks for coming, though.

Be careful with my sh*t!

Don't bang up the rims.

Hurry up now! We're late!

Listen, we still need to finish that thing,

remember?

Oh, come on, baby,

I'm just not in the mood right now.

I'm not wearing any panties.

- Hey, my father's dead. Put some panties on.

- I'm trying to help here.

Please, honey, I really wanna make this

baby thing happen, so, come on.

- We've got five minutes.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- What?

- Don't... Don't... Don't stare.

There's a guy down there...

Don't look, don't look.

...in a black leather jacket who keeps

checking me out.

All right, okay, I see him. What?

- Don't stare, don't stare.

- I'm not staring.

You recognise him?

Well, no, but, I mean,

he must be a friend of your father's.

Now I got to go and check the food.

Hey! Put some panties on

before you touch the food.

Big ones.

- Look! Look.

- But, you know, he's in a better place.

Isn't it beautiful? Plus, it sings.

- Yep. It's right there.

- I'll see you inside.

- It's right there.

- It's the Bee Gees.

- Sounding great. Elaine.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- Hi, inside, yes. What?

- Listen, listen, listen, listen.

- Okay. I got to tell you something, all right?

- Okay.

And I'm just warning you right now

that you're not gonna like it.

Aaron.

- Uncle Duncan.

- How are we doing on time?

You know what, as soon as

Russell gets here, we'll be ready to go.

Fine. So, what's this nonsense

I hear about Ryan not saying a few words?

I offered to do the eulogy,

but Aaron's the oldest.

I'm sure it's gonna be one of a kind.

It's a real shame.

I mean, I'm sure you'll do fine, Aaron,

but with Ryan being the writer in the family.

You know, I'm a writer, too.

Well, we all write checks.

Your brother is an author.

Excuse me?

Uncle Duncan, I have to ask you a question.

- Okay.

- Martina.

Little Martina?

Well, she's not actually related to us

or anything, is she?

No. No, no, no. She's just a family friend.

Oh, good, good.

- What do you mean, it's not Valium?

- Well, it's interesting.

What you thought was Valium

is actually not Valium.

- Yikes.

- What is it, Jeff?

It's like a hallucinogenic.

- Mescaline, acid, Special K.

- What?

Served up in a little pill bottle.

- Oh, my God. This isn't funny.

- No, it's not, it's not funny at all.

- Look at him. Look at him.

- Oh, my God.

- He's high as a kite.

- What...

The man is clearly high.

What are you doing

with this stuff in the house?

I'm a pharmacology student, Laney.

And first of all, who just waltzes up

in someone's apartment

and just starts popping pills?

- Well, I thought it was Valium.

- Clearly.

What should I do? Should I tell him?

No, no, no. That'll just freak him out.

- Okay. Okay.

- You know, this is gonna be fine. Okay?

Don't let him spend too much time

talking to any one person.

- Okay, okay.

- Or bush.

He's in a bush right now.

Okay, Oscar? Honey. Come back.

Where are you going?

Jeffrey, help me.

Oscar. Oscar.

Oh, man.

Help me! My groin.

It's gonna be your head in a minute.

Hurry up, we gonna be late for the funeral.

My scrotum is gonna look like a duffle bag

with two bowling balls in it

when I get up this hill with you.

That's what your brain is.

F***.

Hey.

Oscar. Oscar.

Oh, Dad. Hi.

How are you?

Not too bad,

considering we're at my brother's funeral.

- Yes, yes, we are.

- Hey, Pop.

- Hey.

- How you doing? You look good.

How're they treating you over there

at Pepperdine?

Good. You know, don't worry about me.

- I'm not worried about you.

- Oscar.

Good. Oscar, Oscar.

- So, I see you brought your friend.

- He's not my friend, he's my boyfriend.

Doctor! Good to see you.

- I'm extremely sorry, sir.

- Derek. Glad you could make it.

Thank you. Elaine. Hello.

So, how's everything going

with my portfolio?

Could not be better, sir.

In fact, we should get together

and play a round of golf

and I'll tell you all about it, every last detail.

- Happily.

- Great.

- Maybe Elaine would join us.

- Wonderful.

Make it a threesome.

- Elaine!

- Oh, Aunt Cynthia.

I'm so sorry about Uncle Edward.

- We're gonna miss him so much.

- And Jeff, sneakers.

He bought them for me.

He bought them for me.

Oh, gosh. Aunt Cynthia, this is Oscar.

I'm so sorry about the death.

- Oh, it's okay.

- Sorry.

Amazing grace...

How sweet the sound, yeah!

That saved a wretch like...

Very nice to see both of you.

- It's nice to see you, too, Aunt Cynthia.

- So sorry, ma'am, so sorry.

- Dad, Dad.

- Cynthia.

- Okay, so we need a plan.

- Yes, we do.

What is he doing?

- I love you.

- Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Come on! Push, you p*ssy. Lard-ass.

- Did you just fart, old man?

- Put your butt in it.

- Hey.

- Oh, God.

I heard about the engagement, Elaine.

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