Death At A Funeral Page #4

- How did you...

- Yeah, I did.

You know, I can't deal with you today.

Oh, don't.

But I have not told my dad yet,

and I would appreciate it

if you kept your mouth shut.

Okay. I'll do that for you.

What is he looking...

- Hey, Elaine, I... Could I...

- Oscar?

- Hey, baby.

- You didn't even let me finish.

My father was an exceptional man.

He was born in 1938.

Actually, there is something I'd like

to talk to you about, if you have a minute.

Yeah, sure.

Quit crying. You got snot all over

my collar and everything.

Man, not stairs.

What's wrong with the stairs?

Just get me up the stairs. Hurry up!

I got to take your old ass up these stairs?

Yeah, you got to take my old ass

up these stairs.

- So, you go to a lot of funerals?

- No, this is my first one.

I want our wedding to be like this.

You might meet the man of your

dreams at this one, huh?

Got to go to a funeral

and I got a crybaby here.

Come on.

This is a bit delicate.

When they gave out brains, man,

they left yours in the elevator, sh*t!

You know what, can this wait?

I think my uncle just got here,

and we're running a little late.

- Sure. It's fine.

- Do something, man!

Thanks a lot.

Told you about breathing on my neck, too.

Come on.

Hey, I got it. Sit down. I got it. You all right?

- I'm seeing double.

- Just sit down.

- Is that you, Derek?

- Sit down.

Hey, old-timer, how are you?

Hey, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

- I need something to drink.

- Okay, thanks again. Yeah.

- Come on, Norman.

- Some Gatorade.

- Get up.

- I got to get my electrolytes up.

Could you kindly take your seats?

We'd like to begin the service.

- Watch out now.

- Okay.

Watch out now. Watch out now. I'm family.

God damn it. You got old people here.

- Hey.

- Nice legs there.

Family and friends,

we are gathered here to mourn

the passing of a fine man...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

...Edward Barnes.

Now, I'd like to begin...

Elaine, I know you don't think

I'm part of this family.

Because you're not, so be quiet.

Yeah, but when you dissed me back there,

I had Uncle Russell with me in the car.

You took my parking space.

I had to push him up a hill by myself.

We almost missed the service.

Norman, you poke me one more time,

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Threats, threats.

- What's going on?

- She took my parking spot, Aaron.

Parking spot? My father's dead. Act right.

"Then Jonathan and David made a covenant,

because he loved him as his own soul.

"And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe

that was upon him,

"and gave it to David, and his garments,

"even to his sword, and to his bow,

and to his girdle."

And now we'll hear a word from

Edward's son, Aaron, Ryan's older brother.

Only by a couple of months.

We was actually born the same year.

No fault of yours, Mama.

- Last chance.

- I got it. I got it.

Daddy's only gonna die once.

Good afternoon.

Or I guess just afternoon,

I mean, it couldn't possibly be that good.

My father was an exceptional man.

And he was born in 1938,

an exceptional year.

In 1938, the number one song

was Shortnin' Bread.

Some of you might remember it.

Mama's little baby love

shortnin', shortnin'

Mama's little baby love

shortnin' bread

Also in 1938, Time magazine's

Man of the Year was Adolf Hitler.

I bet you they wished

they could have that one back.

One thing my father loved to do

was watch the Discovery Channel.

I guess you could call my mother

a real "Shark Week" widow.

Anything to do with sharks

or wild boar or the dung beetle,

- this always fascinated him.

- Did you just see that?

- He really loved The Golden Girls.

- See what?

Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose.

- That coffin just moved.

- He especially loved it

- when The Golden Girls were syndicated...

- No, no, no.

- Elaine.

...it was on at least three times a day.

And sometimes I'd say,

"Dad, you wanna go out?" And he'd go...

He's alive. There's something alive in there.

- No, there's not...

- You have to tell, someone's moving...

The coffin's moving. I'm sorry.

- There's somebody in there.

- No, Oscar, sit. Please.

It's moving. I just saw it move.

- Someone's alive in there, trying to get out.

- Need some help?

- No, can't you see it?

- I'm fine.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

The coffin's moving.

Oscar, sit down.

- No, I just need to show you, he's alive.

- Elaine, do something.

No, no, I'm gonna show you.

I'm gonna show you. No, no.

- Get away from there.

- Oscar!

- Oh, my God. Ryan! No! No!

- Do something!

Hey! Hey!

The body!

- Cynthia! Cynthia!

- Mama.

No, I'm gonna help, I got to help him.

- No, no!

- Wait a minute! Wait!

He's gonna die!

Aaron, you the oldest.

Go see what the f*** is going on.

Okay, I will.

Hey!

Jeff.

I'm not all the way comfortable with this.

Come on!

I'm too old for this sh*t.

- When is this funeral gonna happen?

- It's gonna happen later, honey.

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

- I just...

- Oh, my God.

- Hey!

- What the f*** was that?

- Aaron.

- No, no.

- Aaron, I'm so sorry.

- You need to understand that this is...

- You sorry? You sorry?

My father's sprawled out on the floor

like f***ing Screamin' Jay Hawkins,

- but it's okay, because you're sorry!

- I'm so...

- The coffin was moving. I...

- Is he talking to me?

- Talking to me?

- Oscar. Oscar, honey, shut up.

- You talking to me?

- Please, for a second.

No, he's not talking to you.

Listen to me, Aaron. Go back inside.

Aaron, no. I will explain later.

Yeah, yeah, can make it up to me

at my father's next funeral!

- Baby.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I will not have sex with you right now!

- I wasn't going to ask you that.

- I'm sorry, what were you gonna ask me?

- Is everything okay?

- No.

- You just...

- No.

- Michelle, I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay.

- I'm gonna kill him. I'll kill him.

- It's okay.

You f***ing moron!

- Dad, Dad! Leave it alone, please, please!

- Leave it alone?

I can't believe you brought this maniac.

I never want to see him again.

This isn't what Oscar's normally like,

you know that.

He just took some medication and he's...

- Medication?

- I gave him a Valium

- and he's having a very bad reaction to it.

- Valium? That is not a Valium high.

Your mother was on Valium for 40 years

and she never knocked over a coffin.

- Dad, stop it.

- This is not over.

You're gonna pay for that, I promise you!

- Thanks, Jeff.

- No problem, cuz.

People, allow me to extend my apologies.

But everything is now being

put back into its proper place,

so, please, enjoy the refreshments.

The catfish nuggets are to die for.

We'll let you know

when we're ready to continue.

Let's just burn him and get it over with.

- I'm gonna go have a smoke.

- All right.

Hey. That must have been horrible for you.

Maybe we should go outside, get some air?

Hey, bigshot. I read your last book there.

- Black Hurt.

- That's cool. Thanks, Uncle Russ.

I'm not giving you a compliment,

you arrogant bastard.

What a load of bullshit.

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