Death At A Funeral Page #5

I wouldn't wipe my ass with it.

- Hey, Aaron. Yo, you all right, man?

- I'm holding up.

Yeah. That was heavy-duty,

the way your father

fell out his coffin like a dead fish.

He was like... I was like, "Damn!" Man.

Not now, Norman.

- I got to go somewhere, okay?

- You're right. I'm sorry.

Hey, Aaron. But, you know, it's just scary.

You never know when your room

is gonna be ready. You never know.

When your room is ready,

your room is ready.

And I'm like scared

because I got this rash on my wrist,

and I don't know

where it's coming from and...

I know it ain't Chlamydia.

I know what that look like, but this is

something different and I'm just scared.

- I don't know, man.

- Well, just show it to Uncle Duncan.

He's a doctor.

You know something,

Uncle Duncan, you're right.

Maybe we're standing still

and the coffin's moving.

- No, no, it's not...

- No, nothing...

Listen to me, the coffin moved.

- I saw it move.

- No, Oscar, it wasn't...

- God, Elaine, am I losing my mind?

- No, you're not losing your mind, honey.

- Why are my hands so big?

- Oscar. Look at me. Focus.

Elaine, I love this game.

Okay, good.

Because I have to tell you something.

Okay. What is it, my love?

Remember that Valium

that I gave you earlier?

Yes.

Well, it turns out that it wasn't really Valium.

Not completely.

- Did you just hear me?

- Hello? Hello?

- Am I going blind in here?

- Oh, God.

I promise.

I promise.

Hey, Uncle Duncan! Miss Cynthia, Michelle.

I got this thing on my hand

and it's been there for weeks,

and I was just wondering

what you think it might be.

I'm not...

Look, you probably should see

a dermatologist, Norman.

- I'm going out to get some air.

- Okay.

I mean... Why? I don't have

sickle cell anaemia or nothing, right?

No, it looks like a pigment mutation.

A pigment mutation?

You mean like the Incredible Hulk

or something?

I can't be turning green out there.

I'm a black man, I'm sensitive,

I'd be turning green over every little thing.

I can see it now.

Me getting mail from child support,

"That not Hulk baby.

"Hulk take blood tests on Maury Povich."

You're probably just allergic to something.

Maybe shellfish or nuts.

- Nuts? Well, what nut mutates?

- I don't know. Now excuse me.

Somebody gave me hypoallergenic drugs?

- It's a form of hallucinogenic.

- Hagucilenic.

- Elaine, Elaine, did you tell him?

- I just did.

- How you feeling, big guy?

- I've been drugged.

Yeah, not, no, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Hey, listen...

- I've been drugged by you.

- You fool!

- Wait, Oscar!

- Let him go! Oh, my God.

- How long does it last?

Elaine, he's incredibly strong right now.

- I know, and I'm sorry.

- How long does it last?

- Like eight hours?

- Eight hours, f***!

Babe, what are you doing?

I'm gonna be sick.

- Jeffrey, this is all your fault.

- This is your fault. You gave it to him.

Sh*t.

Baby, slow down.

Hey, Elaine. What's going on?

- What are you doing? You following me?

- Not now, Derek!

Hey!

- Sorry. You all right?

- Are you okay?

- Oh, sh*t.

- Oscar!

Excuse me, everyone, he's gonna be sick.

Oscar, sweetie, slow down!

- Oscar! Oscar!

- Oscar!

Oscar, no! Don't go in there!

Oscar! Oscar, out!

In here, there's a bathroom here. Oh, God.

- Jeez! Oscar.

- Get back.

What are you doing?

Get back or I will blow your head off.

- Get your hands up!

- Are you...

Hands up!

Oscar, baby.

- Are you kidding me? Open this door, baby.

- Easy, big fellow.

- Honey.

- Oh, sh*t.

You're locked in, so, please,

- unlock the door, okay?

- Oh, sh*t.

- Elaine? I can't find the pill bottle.

- Can you just...

Oh, sh*t.

- Oscar, open the door.

- Lasts up to eight hours.

- Open the door.

- Perfect.

- Oscar, open the door, sweetie.

- It's already been five minutes.

- That's good.

- Damn it!

Motherf***er! Five minutes? Oh, sh*t!

- Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

- What's going on?

- Oscar, open the door, please.

- You know what,

why don't you go get something to eat?

We're gonna start pretty soon. Yeah.

Grief does strange things to people,

doesn't it?

- Yeah.

- Lf you remember,

there's something I would like

to talk to you about.

- Could we just do this...

- Is there someplace private we could go?

Cocksuckers!

This is lovely.

- So Edward.

- I know.

You're writing a novel?

Yeah, that's mine.

- Sorry.

- Just like your brother.

Actually, I was writing before my brother.

I got a couple of pieces published in Jet.

One about hypertension.

That was a while back, though,

and now I'm working mainly

as a tax accountant.

Well, then, you must be very proud of Ryan.

Getting all of his novels published.

Yeah. Pretty proud.

What did you wanna talk about?

Your father and I were very close.

- That's nice, that's nice.

- Spent a lot of time together.

Okay, well, you know, Dad was a fun guy.

I have some photos I want to show you.

Few snaps of us.

That's me and your dad at

Venice Beach, Muscle Beach.

And here we are in West Hollywood,

at the Halloween parade.

I don't know if you've ever been,

but what a spectacle that is.

Oscar.

How'd you get in here?

And here we are at the premiere

of Dreamgirls.

I was dressed as Deena

and your father just had to be Effie.

So, how exactly did you know my father?

No. No.

You think you can come in here

and just slander my dad's name

by showing me a couple of pictures

of you guys going to see Dreamgirls?

So what? I've seen Dreamgirls

two, three times.

Doesn't mean I'm gay.

Steppin' to the bad side

Gonna be a mean ride

- What's that prove?

- I'm sorry.

I guess he would've told you himself,

but he wasn't sure how you'd react.

Does my mother know?

No. And there's no reason she has to.

Just as long as I get what's owed to me.

Excuse me? What's owed to you?

Well, I deserve something.

Your father and I were lovers

and he left me absolutely nothing in his will.

How do you think that makes me feel?

I don't know and I don't care.

I will tell you how it makes me feel. Cheap.

- Like some cheap piece of ass.

- What do you want?

What I want is a lot,

but I'm not asking you for what I want.

- I deserve $30,000.

- $30,000?

Are you smoking meth?

I'm not giving you $30,000.

I'm trying to buy a house!

I'm trying to have a kid!

I can't give you $30,000!

Now, listen, your father made me

a promise to take care of me.

I made certain sacrifices to keep him happy.

Now, I don't want to,

but I will show these photos to your mother.

Do you really want me to do that?

Sh*t!

Wait here.

Okay.

Oh, Aaron.

I was just telling George here how

when we were boys together,

your father used to make us

all go skinny-dipping.

- Isn't that funny?

- Hilarious.

- Well, maybe your husband will know.

- Wait! Wait! Aaron! Aaron!

Sometime today?

Anything I can do to help?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Oscar, please.

Say, Elaine, what are you doing

after the funeral?

I got Usher tickets, front row, Staples Center.

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