Death Proof

Hold on, I gotta come up!

I've gotta take

the world's biggest f***ing piss.

We can't be late!

We won't!

Who's... who's holding?

If you 're not, then nobody.

We were kind of hoping you were.

- Yeah. How are you not holding?

- Jesus Christ, Shanna.

It is not my f***ing job to supply y'all

with weed when we go out.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, little lady.

You 're gettin' angry kind of quick,

don't you think?

I was just teasin' you!

I'm not angry.

It just would be nice

if y'all didn't just count on me

all the f***ing time

and surprise me

every once in a while with pot.

Okay, mean girl

in a high school movie.

Are you through

having a tantrum?

I'm not having a tantrum.

Yes, you are. You've been

in the car all of two seconds,

and you 're already cursing at me.

I am not cursing at you.

You said "Jesus Christ, Shanna,"

and then before

the sentence was over

you threw a "f***ing" in there

to emphasize your irritatedness.

Come on, don't fight.

I'll pay for it when we get some.

One, it is not about the money.

It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.

And two, we're not really fighting.

Arlene, you've forgotten what

hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.

That wasn't a fight.

That was Julia

acting like a grumpy b*tch

and me calling her on it

and indulging her at the same time.

That's how we tolerate each other

after all these years.

Oh! Billboard!

So, what's the plan, man?

Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's.

Did you call Rafael

and tell him we're coming?

- Of course.

- You 're so good.

I know.

Okay, is Christian Simonson

gonna be there?

You bet your ass he is...

with Jesse Letterman.

Christian Simonson,

the filmmaker, is in town.

He's got a big thing for Julia.

If he had a big thing for me,

he'd f***ing call me,

as opposed to disappearing

for six months,

and he'd get his ass down here

more often than he does.

And on my birthday

he'd give me a f***ing phone call.

Oh, billboard!

Yeah, but you get

those legs of yours around him,

and it's all over.

Yeah, well, when I'm redecorating

his house in the hills that I am also living in,

I'll let you know it worked.

So, margaritas

and Mexican food at Guero's,

touch base with Chris and Jesse,

tell them about later,

and make damn sure they come.

Those other guys'll be waiting for us

at the Texas Chili Parlor.

Oh, sh*t. Speaking of which...

what happened

with you and Nate last night?

Well, you know, not much.

We just f***ing met each other.

If you don't bust their balls a little bit,

they're never gonna respect you.

Okay, we're pretty clear

on what it is you didn't do.

How about enlightening us

on what it is you did do?

Oh, nothing to write home about.

We just made out on the couch

for about 20 minutes.

Dressed, half-dressed, or naked?

Dressed. I said we made out.

We didn't do "the thing. "

Oh, excuse me for living,

but what is "the thing"?

You know, it's everything but.

They call that "the thing"?

I call it "the thing. "

Do guys like "the thing"?

They like it better than "no thing. "

Okay, I wanna get back

to what it is you did do.

So you 're making out

on the couch with Nate, right?

Correct.

Whose couch?

His or the one in your hotel room?

What am I, stupid over here? Mine.

Were you making out

sitting up or lying down?

We started sitting up,

we worked our way to lying down.

Hmm. The plot thickens.

Who was on top?

I was straddling him.

What else?

That was it. So we made out

for a little while on the couch...

and I said, "Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now,

so it's time for you to leave. "

And then he starts to whine,

"Oh, right now?"

And I said,

"Yup, right now. Let's go. "

And he says, "Wait, what about this?"

And I said no.

He said, "What do you mean?

You don't know what I'm gonna say. "

I said, "I already know what you 're

gonna say, and the answer's no. "

He said, "Well, how can you say

you know what I'm gonna say?"

And I said, "Because you 're gonna say,

'Let's just go to sleep together.

'We don't gotta do nothing.

'Just cuddle,

sleep next to each other,

wake up in the morning together. "'

"No. You 're gonna leave...

but I'll see you tomorrow. "

Yeah, f*** Nate.

I mean, he's cute and all,

but Jesse Letterman

is gonna be all over her.

Remember...

no hookin' up tonight.

You can hang out with them,

you can make out with them,

but no hookin' up with them,

because we are driving

to Lake L.B.J. tonight,

and my daddy's pretty clear

about one thing...

He said, "I am lettin' you

and your girlfriends stay at my lake house,

not you and a bunch of horny boys

trying to get their f*** on with my daughter. "

- Your dad talks like that?

- Hell yeah.

And it's not like

he ain't gonna know, either,

because when I'm staying at the lake house

with my girlfriends in our bikinis,

Daddy just has a tendency to pop up

and make sure we don't need anything.

Look, he's totally harmless

and cute as a bug's ear!

But you know, when he's got

a bunch of half-naked poontang

walking the floor of his lake house,

he just likes to pay us a visit

and make sure we got everything we need.

And if you flirt shamelessly with him,

like the six-foot baby giraffe

in the backseat,

you got a puppy dog for life.

I have my own relationship with Ben,

and you 're just jealous

'cause it don't include you.

You call her dad "Ben"?

I'm not a child.

That's his name.

So, when are the boys

showing up?

They're gonna meet us

at the Chili Parlor.

Maybe they can bring some pot.

F*** that. No.

I don't wanna be either A,

depending on their f***ing ass,

or B, depending on their ass.

Uh-uh. If we don't score ourselves,

we're gonna be stuck with them

all f***ing night.

Ooh! Try Lanna-Frank.

Best idea you had all day.

Oh, hey! That's your

last billboard before Guero's!

Oh, come on, give me a break.

Oh, come on, my ass!

We said every time.

Okay.

Jules, let me get a drag.

Thanks.

Oh, my God.

Hey, this is...

and I's U.T. days, Arlene.

Hey.

- You wanna join us?

- For a second, but I'm with some friends.

Ooh...

So, you must be... must be...

So, you must be

the infamous Butterfly.

Shh!

She don't know nothing about it.

- Know about what?

- When were y'all gonna tell her?

- Soon.

- Tell me what?

Yeah, now thanks to you,

we've gotta tell her sooner than later.

All right, cut the sh*t.

What the f*** is going on?

I said a little something-something

about you on the air today.

Julia, what the f***

did you say about me on the radio?

All I said was I had

a sexy friend named Butterfly

who was in from out-of-town

for the weekend,

and we would be going out

somewhere in Austin tonight,

and if they were out on the town,

maybe they'd see us.

And I described you, and I said

that if they spotted you while we were out,

if they'd do something,

you'd do something.

Okay, now, Julia, I'm serious.

What did you say

and what did you say I'd do?

Anywho, I could explain what I said,

which would be boring,

Rate this script:3.4 / 5 votes