Death to Smoochy

man in a puffy foam-rubber rhinoceros costume dancingunder the bright friendly lights of a television studio.

Another rhino and various foam-rubber animals dance

behind him to the happy MUSIC. The rhino finishes his

number and takes a bow. A bleacher full of kids bursts

into wild applause.

INT. BACKSTAGE - MOMENTS LATER

After the taping. The rhino lumbers down the hallwaytoward wardrobe. He is suddenly grabbed by two large menand dragged out through the exit into...

INT. DARK PARKING GARAGE

... where several thugs in overcoats emerge from theshadows and start beating him with lead pipes. One of

the men pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS the rhino severaltimes. The SHOTS REVERBERATE through the empty garage.

FINAL CREDIT:

CUT TO BLACK:

SUPERIMPOSE:
ONE YEAR EARLIER

FADE UP ON:

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

It's the taping of another children's show -- "RainbowRandolph and the Krinkle Kids." RANDOLPH SMILEY, a

clean-cut man with a happy face and yellow bow tie,

dances through Rainbowland with the "Krinkle Kids"

(little people in top hats). He sings one of hissignature songs: "Friends Come In All Sizes." One of

the main Krinkle Kids -- ANGELO PIKE -- dances behind

him.

RANDOLPH:

(singing)

'Friends come in all sizes

That's a fact! It's True!

All colors of the rainbow

from Mauve to Blue...

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

2.

CONTINUED:

RANDOLPH (CONT'D)

Their names may not be differentand their shoes may not matchOne might say 'grasp' while the

other says 'snatch'Some like to toss while others

like to caaaaatch... Beeee

caaaause...

Friends come in all sizes

Take it from me! Golly Gee! Size

never matters when you want somefriendly patterFrom a pal who is true and canlift you when you're blueYou can count on him and he can

count on yoooouuuu!

It's true... that...

(big finish)

Friends come in all sizes!'

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE - RAINBOW RANDOLPH MERCHANDISE

"Sugar Rainbows Cereal," plastic toys lined up on storeshelves, kids playing with Randolph dolls, kids eating"Rainbow Potato Chips" and "Rainbow Candies." A "Rainbow

Burster," a kind of gun that shoots plastic rainbows.

Marquees announcing upcoming live appearances, etc. We

get the picture. Rainbow Randolph is the king of thekid shows.

INT. DIMLY-LIT BAR - NIGHT

A suburban-looking HUSBAND and WIFE enter. They findRainbow Randolph sitting alone, drinking a Scotch. Hair

slicked back, sans bow tie, the friendly face no longerlooks so friendly. He nods for them to sit down. After

a nervous beat, the Husband puts a briefcase on the tableand slides it to Randolph. Randolph takes a gulp of hisScotch. He unsnaps the briefcase and opens it. Five

grand stares him in the face.

HUSBAND:

So... uh... you'll make sure myboy dances up front, right? Where

he'll get the most camera time?

Randolph slams the briefcase shut, startling the couple.

RANDOLPH:

You want your kid on the show?

(CONTINUED)

3.

CONTINUED:

HUSBAND:

Of... of course.

WIFE:

Yes, very much.

RANDOLPH:

Then don't tell me how to run myfucking business.

HUSBAND:

No, no, we were just -

Randolph rises. He takes a final gulp of his Scotch andpicks up the briefcase.

RANDOLPH:

I'll call you if a spot opens up.

He starts to walk off. Suddenly, the Husband and Wifejump up from the table holding guns.

HUSBAND:

Freeze, you cocksucker!

WIFE:

Drop the briefcase!

Federal agents storm into the bar and surround Randolph.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAWN

Bundles of the morning editions are tossed onto the curb

from passing trucks. The various headlines blare:

"RAINBOW RANDOLPH BUSTED ACCEPTING BRIBE"

"FCC PROBES KID SHOW BIZ"

"CORRUPTION IN KRINKLELAND"

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

The Rainbow Randolph/Krinkle Kid set is being dismantled.

Backdrops are rolled up and the giant rainbow centerpieceis wheeled off. Workers with push brooms sweep up tonsof glittery "magic Rainbow dust."

INT. NETWORK BOARDROOM - KIDNET - DAY

We are TIGHT ON the sweating face of a MAN who looks likehe's about to be executed.

CUT BACK TO:

4.

STOKES:

is standing at the end of a long conference table as theNETWORK BRASS glares at him.

STOKES:

(addressing the brass)

Gentlemen, let me be the first to

say, in all sobriety, that I'm asshocked and outraged as all of -

The network CEO, a hog of a man, cuts him off.

CEO:

Save it for the papers, Stokes.

We've got nervous sponsors and anangry public -- a combinationuglier than two monkeys f***ing.

What are you doing about it?

STOKES:

Well, sir, I'm currently in theprocess of compiling a list ofviable replacements and it's myhope...

CEO:

Clean replacements? With

background checks? I assure you,

Mr. Stokes, this network cannot

survive another Rainbow Randolph.

The goddamn P.R. department lookslike the Jim Jones camp.

Another EXECUTIVE chimes in.

EXECUTIVE #1

Remember, Stokes, this was yourdog that crapped on our rug.

EXECUTIVE #2

We trusted you, Frank. And now

we're in a tight spot. We have to

post our quarterly earnings nextmonth, for Christ's sake.

CEO:

Whoever takes that slot has to be

a straight arrow. Clean as a

whistle.

EXECUTIVE #3

Right. Someone who'll take the

heat off. One of those sweater

types. Any chance of luring FredRogers away from P.B.S.?

(CONTINUED)

5.

CONTINUED:

EXECUTIVE #4

Yeah, if we back up the Brinkstruck.

EXECUTIVE #1

No way. The idea now is to stopthe hemorrhaging.

EXECUTIVE #2

You better fix this, Stokes. Get

us a white bread replacement,

fast. Bland, milk toast. Not a

speck of controversy.

A giant hand slams on the table. All heads snap.

The CEO drags his fingers along the shiny mahogany.

Deafening sound.

CEO:

(calm and measured)

Squeaky f***ing clean.

INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY

Stokes sits behind his mahogany desk, sipping a glass ofwine as he goes over potential Randolph replacements withNORA BISHOP, his pretty protege.

STOKES:

Bumble Bee Billy?

NORA:

(reading from a list)

Wife beater.

STOKES:

Square Dance Danny?

NORA:

Still appealing the mail fraudthing.

STOKES:

Skippy Black and the Tippy Trolls?

NORA:

Black was deported, and thetrolls... well, who gives a sh*t.

Nora kicks the table in frustration.

(CONTINUED)

6.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

This is impossible. If I ever see

that Rainbow Randolph again I'llstrangle him. Choke the life out

of him. Squeeze his scrawny neckuntil his eyes pop out of hisskull and bounce off the walls...

STOKES:

Before indulging such cheeryfantasies, let's just concentrateon saving my job. Shall we?

NORA:

Sorry, Frank.

Stokes flips through a thick stack of files. He suddenly

stops at one.

STOKES:

What's going on with Sheldon Mopesthese days.

Nora laughs.

NORA:

Oh my God. Have we sunk to that

level already? Smoochy the Rhino?

What a sap.

STOKES:

Sap's just the pill we need right

now. Mopes is a straight arrow.

Always has been.

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