Death to Smoochy Page #2

NORA:

The guy can't get arrested, Frank.

He can't even break into the

birthday party circuit. Last I

heard he was working hospitals andnursing homes. He's a joke.

Stokes stands up and walks around the room.

STOKES:

The truth of the matter is, a

successful children's show has

always depended on two simpleelements: a fuzzy costume and alot of hype. Strip away the foamrubber and the network money andthey're all jokes. Marginaltalents.. cabaret acts... off-

Broadway runoff...

(CONTINUED)

7.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

I probably have ten acts in mydevelopment file -- acts I've beencultivating!-- that are more

deserving than Sheldon Mopes.

STOKES:

And each one a moral questionmark. Something I can't risk atthe moment.

NORA:

(frustrated)

We can do better than this guy,

Frank. He brings nothing to thetable.

STOKES:

Except ethics. With Mopes,

there's never been a whiff of

controversy. The man's an

ethical, harmless, cornball. In

short, a glass of milk on twolegs.

Stokes stops pacing.

NORA:

Don't ask me to do it. You know

I'll do anything for you, butplease... not this...

Stokes gazes out the window at the city.

STOKES:

Go find Smoochy.

EXT. CONEY ISLAND - EARLY EVENING

The lighted Ferris wheel spins CENTER FRAME. We CRANE

DOWN and eventually LAND ON a side street with theamusement park looming in the b.g. We're in FRONT of a

small building. The half-lit neon sign reads: CONEY

ISLAND METHADONE CENTER. We DRIFT THROUGH the double

doors THROUGH the reception area where random junkiesloiter and fill out paperwork. We CONTINUE DOWN a

narrow hallway as the faint sound of someone SINGING andplaying the GUITAR INCREASES. We finally burst THROUGHanother set of doors marked "Treatment Room." The

singing now fills our ears as we PUSH IN ON the"performer" -- a big, puffy, orange rhinoceros. Smoochy.

Or to be more specific, SHELDON MOPES.

(CONTINUED)

8.

CONTINUED:

Smoochy sits on a stool with his guitar and sings to thepatients as they stand in line before a sliding glasswindow, where a nurse hands each person a little cup ofmethadone which they immediately drink.

The Smoochy costume is a mass of misshapen orange foamrubber that exposes Sheldon's painted face in the front.

A multi-colored horn protrudes from his forehead.

SMOOCHY (SHELDON)

(singing to the tuneof 'She'll be Comin'

round the Mountain')

'We'll get that monkey off your

back,

Yes we will, yes we willWe'll get that monkey off your

back,

Yes we will...'

'We'll get that monkey off yourback

And get your life right back on

track

If you'll just give up the smackYes you will, yes you will!!'

The song ends. A few baffled junkies applaud.

SMOOCHY:

Thanks, fellas. I'm rooting foryou!

We PAN AWAY FROM Sheldon TO the exit. Standing there inher coat, looking mortified, is Nora.

INT. RECEPTION AREA - SHORT WHILE LATER

Nora sits in the reception area. Sheldon emerges in hisstreet clothes. He carries Smoochy's body on a hangerover his shoulder and carries a large shopping bag whichholds Smoochy's head.

NORA:

Mr. Mopes?

Sheldon stops.

SHELDON:

Yeah?

(CONTINUED)

9.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

I, uh, saw your performancetonight. Very...

(searching)

... spirited.

SHELDON:

Really? Thanks. I would've done

a longer set if that guy hadn'tpulled a knife on the securityguard. Once the pepper spraystarts flyin', that's it for the

encores.

NORA:

Yes, that did put a damper on theevening, didn't it?

SHELDON:

Are you a new patient? On the

juice, as we say?

NORA:

Ah, no. But it's sweet of you to

assume so.

She hands him her card. He reads it.

SHELDON:

'Nora Bishop. V.P. of

Development. Kidnet.'

(to Nora)

Good gravy. You work for Kidnet?

NORA:

As stated.

Sheldon grabs her hand and shakes it.

SHELDON:

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you,

Nora. A real honor. Hey, youhungry?

EXT. CONEY ISLAND BOARDWALK - NATHAN'S HOT DOGS - SHORT

WHILE LATER:

Sheldon and Nora stand at the crowded counter at

Nathan's. Sheldon ravenously eats his sloppily-

garnished, oddly colored hot dog. Nora winces as

she watches him.

(CONTINUED)

10.

CONTINUED:

SHELDON:

(with full mouth)

Soy dogs... never thought I'd

live to see the day. Organic,

rich in natural protein, and

nobody gets killed. Although I

do feel bad for the beans. Just

kidding. Sure you don't want one?

NORA:

Believe it or not, no.

He takes another bite.

SHELDON:

So anyway, like I was saying,

people always tell me, 'You gotta

network, Sheldon... you gotta sell

yourself... or you'll be playing

the drug clinics and shopping

centers the rest of your life.'

And you know what I tell 'em?

NORA:

I haven't the foggiest.

SHELDON:

I tell 'em, it's not about the old

handshake and back slap game.

It's not about adding fuel to the

shlock machine. It's about doing

good work. Having integrity.

Making people happy and delivering

a positive message. Foundations

are built with concrete, not

plaster of Paris!

He pulls the stained, misshapen Smoochy head from theshopping bag.

SHELDON:

This is concrete! This is

integrity!

NORA:

(calmly)

I can see that.

Sheldon realizes his voice was getting too loud.

SHELDON:

Sorry. As you can imagine, living

by your convictions can be a

little stressful at times.

(CONTINUED)

11.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

We all have our cross to bear.

SHELDON:

See, I was raised by mygrandfather, and Grandpop paveddriveways for a living...

NORA:

Are we going into a story?

SHELDON:

Thing is, he didn't really pavethem. Just covered them with

black paint. Of course, once the

first rain came along, peoplerealized they'd been swindled. I

vowed to myself back then that I'dnever make a living throughdeception. Never. Whadda yathink of them apples?

Nora looks glassy-eyed. She takes a deep breath.

NORA:

The reason I'm here today, Mr.

Mopes, as fate would have it,

Kidnet is currently looking for aperformer with... convictions.

And integrity. Someone like...

She almost chokes on the word.

NORA:

... yourself.

Sheldon laughs.

SHELDON:

Yeah, right. Got any more jokes?

NORA:

I don't think I could top that

one.

SHELDON:

Hold the phone. You're telling methat Kidnet is finally ready to doa show of Smoochy quality? Of

Smoochy caliber?

(CONTINUED)

12.

CONTINUED:

NORA:

(dryly)

Yes... I believe we're ready to

push ourselves to that level.

SHELDON:

I knew this day would come!

After all these years I finallymeet someone in the business who

gets what I do. Who gets what I'mall about. You get me, don't you,

Nora?

NORA:

I'm afraid so.

SHELDON:

Well, Miss V.P. of Development...

let's go make history!

CUT TO:

PREP MONTAGE:

KIDNET STUDIO WARDROBE ROOM. A team of designers andseamstresses cut, sew and shape endless sheets of orangefoam rubber. Sheldon stands on a wooden box as he's

measured from head to toe. On the wall is a blueprintlabeled "Smoochy the Rhino -- REDESIGN."

A costume designer walks over with the new Smoochy headand places it on Sheldon.

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