Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female

DiGiovanni.

(applause, cheering, whistling)

DEBRA:
Hi, everybody.

Well, good evening, everyone.

Oh. Hi, everybody.

Oh, you look fantastic,

everyone.

Of course I'm already drunk, but

still, you look good, everybody.

So, it's lovely to be here.

Thank you for giving me plans.

Seriously, this is exciting to

be out in the evening.

Oh, you gave me a reason to get

out of my pajamas.

Good work, everybody.

Thank you.

Actually, these are my pajamas.

Who am I kidding?

I'll sleep in this.

I really will.

Um, it's but it's nice.

I just flew in a couple days

ago.

I'm a good flyer.

Doesn't bother me.

I'm not scared to fly, nothing.

But this happens every once in a

while.

You know, when you're on a

flight?

They shut the door, no one else

is getting on, and you realize

there's an empty seat in your

row.

(shuddering gasp)

That's the best moment in the

world.

Are you kidding me?

Empty seat... that's like first

class for white trash.

Do you know what I'm saying,

gang?

Oh, my God, empty seat.

So exciting, all right?

This is what happened to me on

the way down.

I'm sitting at the window.

There was a gentleman beside me,

and here's the thing.

The empty seat is the aisle

seat, okay?

So I give him the celebration

elbow.

I give him one these.

I'm, like, "Right on, yeah."

I'm excited.

I expect him to celebrate with

me, but he looks at me in the

face, and he's, like, "Actually,

I prefer the middle seat."

And I was, like, "What? What did

you just say? I'm sorry..."

Did you just tell me you're an

a**hole?

Is that what you said?

Because your accent is very

strong.

What?! Are you kid...?

You prefer the middle seat?

Let me tell you, I ruined his

flight; I ruined his flight.

Are you kidding?

He was trying to sleep.

I kept touching his face.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm all...

(laughter)

He woke up with a different part

in his hair.

That'll teach him.

That'll teach him!

It's your job, everyone, to

teach people manners.

Um, also, I have to fly quite a

bit, and this happens.

This happens.

Have you ever had to be on one

of those little, tiny, small

planes?

One of those little passenger

planes when there's only, like,

seven people on the plane?

I had to take one a little while

ago, and the airline that I was

flying on was called Bearskin

Airlines, which, at first, I was

like, "Oh, sexy."

Uh, but it's not.

It's not sexy.

I thought it was gonna be big,

shirtless, hairy guys bringing

me drinks.

No. Just terrifying. That's it.

And there's something you need

to remember in your travels,

everybody.

If you ever get onto the stairs

of your aircraft, and the whole

f***in' plane moves... no, not a

good idea.

Yeah. I'm serious.

I got on the stairs, and the

plane... it tipped on me.

I'm, like... (humming)

(screaming)

The whole plane.

Seriously. I had to get someone

to put their foot down so I

could get on it.

"Hold it.

Hold the plane."

And then I got on.

Scary stuff, everyone.

And the worst part about this,

all right, is that six people on

the plane, but there's another

woman about my size about to

board the plane, all right?

I panicked. I panicked.

You've had that moment, waiting

for an elevator, haven't you?

Yeah, two women my size show up

for the same elevator, and you

start to do math in your head.

I know you do it.

I know you do it.

I know you do it!

You're, like, "2,500. Oh, my!"

(laughter)

"Carry the two! Carry the two!"

It's scary.

It's a scary moment.

And that happens to me.

That's like an elevator

shootout.

Do you know what I mean?

It was, like, "All right,

sister, only one of us is going

up... who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be?"

And then I punch her in the

neck, and then I run.

That's what I do, everybody.

I'm lying. I don't run.

Anyway, um, what I do...

I do...

I'm from the East Coast, so I

love it when you have a big time

zone change.

You know what I mean?

Got the big space.

Oh, it makes me feel so

exciting.

You know, you feel like when you

have a big time zone, no one

knows who you are.

Sometimes I'm a different

person.

I pretend that I'm a different

person.

So the last time I came out to

the West Coast, I was, like,

"Nobody knows me here.

I'm gonna be a totally different

Debra."

So I decided that I would flirt

with guys.

'Cause you know what?

I think I should give it a

chance.

I'm in my late 30's.

This is the chance.

Go for it, Debra.

Try talking to men.

You can do it, all right?

Wrong. I can't do it.

So what happens is this.

I start to flirt with the first,

like, stationary man that I saw.

I was, like, "Oh, you're not

moving.

You're my type. Hello."

Seriously. No, seriously.

Or I think I flirted.

I'm not totally sure what I did,

to be honest.

You know, I tried.

I smiled, I tossed my hair a

couple times, and then, I think

I punched him.

I don't remember what happened.

I panicked...

You know, I blacked out for a

while.

Uh, but then I came to in my

hotel room, so I thought, "Wow,

that must have went well."

That must have gone well,

everybody. I'm here.

But here's the thing.

On a long flight... like, five

hour, six hour flight... and

it's...

I'm a human being, all right?

So, I have to use the bathroom.

Human, all right?

Uh, now the next part of the

story... not my fault.

All right, the toilet

overflowed, all right.

Now this is not...

This is not my fault, because I

am a delicate rose, all right?

That is clearly a faulty

toilet, all right?

So, I've been in the room for 90

seconds maybe, and then I have

to phone down to the front desk.

I'm, like, "Hi. I overflowed the

toilet."

Even the girl on the phone was,

like, "What the f***?!

You've been there for five

seconds."

I was, like, "All right, I know.

Just send someone, all right?"

So in my mind, they're gonna

send, like, maintenance, or,

like, housekeeping or something.

But, no, at this hotel, they

send the cute guy from the front

desk that I was trying to flirt

with.

That is who they sent.

(laughter)

That's who they sent to plunge

my business.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah. And not in the sexy way

that I had planned, either.

I'm gonna tell you...

Changed the weekend, I'll tell

you that.

Not good, everybody.

But then, I'm out here, and so I

have some... couple friends, and

they're, like, "Don't worry.

We'll make this better, Debra.

Don't worry.

So, um, uh, they said, "We'll

take you out after."

I'm, "Great."

I got out, we have a nice

evening, and then, one of my

friends... because, you know,

West Coast... they have medicinal

marijuana, all right, so...

'Cause you know, he's very sick,

my friend, so he...

(laughter)

He's very sick.

So, we go out together, and you

know, he rolls his joint.

All right, he rolls this little

tiny, like a little pinner, like

a skinny one.

And I had that moment where I

was, like, "Really?

This is what you brought?

I'm a guest. A little rude."

Anyway, I'm just saying.

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