Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #2

This is it. Whatever.

But he doesn't tell me that it's

medicinal marijuana, okay?

So we smoke this joint.

I'm telling you, I had, like,

one drag off of it, and I was so

high that I had to spend the

rest of my night in my hotel

room, convincing myself I wasn't

gonna die.

Do you know what I mean?

"Your heart's not gonna explode.

You're not melting.

You're not melting!"

This is what...

And the problem is, I overflowed

the toilet again.

Damn it! Again, I know.

(laughter)

Which is what, really, I

consider the second date.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I was, like, "You're back!

Hi, there!"

Yeah, I can't go back to that

hotel.

Anyway... I can't.

Um, here's something.

This is... It's a terrifying

moment.

I'm getting a little older.

It happens to all of us,

everyone.

But the things that they don't

tell you is that you start

turning into your parents, and

it's a scary, scary moment.

Like, this is something, all

right?

Now as... I'm old, all right?

Now, when it rains, I don't

carry an umbrella anymore.

Now I use one of those little

plastic rain bonnets that your

mom used to wear.

Do you remember those?

'Cause my mom...

My mom would wear that.

You think it would look... no,

she didn't want to get her perm

wet.

That was my mom's problem.

I'm, like, "Yeah, 'cause that

would look stupid, a wet perm.

That would look foolish, Mom.

But a plastic bag on your head...

f***in' fantastic.

Good work, old woman.

I like your style, old woman."

Are you kidding?

And this is another thing.

I didn't know this was gonna

happen.

Suddenly, I'm a techno phobe.

Oh, God. I...

Too much technology now.

I got your basics in technology.

But the iPhone and all the

applications.

You know what I mean?

The kids with their apps.

'Cause they don't say

application, 'cause that's a big

word with syllables and stuff.

Too much for the kids.

So they say, "app," you know?

But I'm of the age that "app"

used to be short for appetizer.

Do you remember that?

(laughter)

Those were better days.

Those were better days,

everybody.

Are you kidding me?

Someone's like, "Have you tried

the new app?"

I'm, like, "Oh, f***, I hope it

has bacon.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God."

(laughter)

Please... Are you kidding?

And I do...

One of my favorite things is, I

love... I love the texting, you

know, the auto correct and

stuff.

I think that's a lot of fun.

You know when your texting

something and you think you're

sending a message, and then when

actually send it, it was totally

messed up?

I had this...

This happened to me.

A couple weeks ago...

I live in a little apartment

building, and one of my sinks

got clogged, all right?

And there's a dude down my

hall... one of my neighbors... is

the best neighbor in the world.

He's an electrician, he's a

carpenter, he's a plumber, he's

a drug dealer... he's perfect.

Do you understand what I'm

saying?

Best guy ever, all right?

So I go and I text him.

And what I thought I sent was,

"Hey. Hey, Jack.

My sink is clogged."

What I actually sent was, "Hey,

Jack, my dink is clogged."

That's what I sent him.

(laughter)

He did not respond.

He did not respond.

And I think he moved out.

But anyway, that's it.

I don't need him.

And another.

This is something else that I...

You know, you don't know this

about me.

How would you?

You don't know me.

I have a twin sister, but she's

not under my shirt right now.

F*** you, people.

Seriously, grow up. Grow up.

We separated a while ago.

But... I...

And you know, my...

We're friends. We're friends.

We're very different, though,

my sister and I.

We're not identical.

We're fraternal.

And she's...

We're really different.

Like, she's winning.

My mom and dad like her way

better than me, and it's

because...

There's a lot of reasons.

She's good.

You know, she's thin.

Uh, she's married.

She loves Jesus.

And I love Jesus, too.

I love Jesus, too.

Except, you know, sexually.

Um, I do. Oh, God.

So, don't kid yourself.

Jesus is hot.

Are you joking me?

Long hair and a beard?

Oh, my God.

Barefoot? Oh, f***.

Are you kidding?

Give him a skateboard... he's

f***ing perfect.

Do you understand what I'm

saying?

Jesus.

And you can laugh at that,

'cause he's not here.

You can laugh, everyone.

It's okay. It's okay.

Is it too soon for Jesus jokes?

Is it too soon? All right.

2,000 years not enough?

Okay, I'll give it another

month.

Anyway, whatever.

Whatever, you know?

Well, this is the thing.

My sister... okay, she keeps

having babies.

All right, she's got a bunch of

babies.

I've lost count. I don't know.

And she just had a new, fresh

baby, all right?

A little girl.

And she had her, like, November.

Had a little, tiny baby girl.

Has the baby, gives birth, looks

down at this baby and decides to

name her Beatrice Gwendolyn.

That's a big name for a baby,

isn't it?

Beatrice Gwendolyn?

I'm, like, really?

She was born at eight pounds,

nine ounces, and 97 years old.

97 years...

I... Poor...

I'm, like, "Are the other Golden

Girls coming?"

What's happening here?

Are you joking? Please.

Now even though I mock her quite

a bit, we're still friends.

And I usually try to, um...

For our birthday, we get

together, and we have, like, a

little celebration.

And I always try to make like,

uh, like some sort of goal for

myself during the year.

Like, some things that I need to

do.

This year I've decided I need a

hobby.

Do you have hobbies?

Does anyone have a hobby?

Except for sitting and staring,

do you have a f***in' hobby?

Seriously.

(laughter)

Hours. Hours of that.

Are you joking?

And I... What I do, though...

I do, um... I enjoy...

I enjoy panicking.

Uh, I enjoy worrying.

Quite a bit.

I'm one of those people that

when I get something in my head,

I can't let it go.

I can't let it go.

Like, a couple months ago, one

of my eyes was twitching, and it

twitched, like, all day long.

24/7, just twitched, twitched,

twitched.

Panicked. I started...

I Googled it clearly.

I was, like, "Oh, it's eye

cancer.

Oh, my God."

I'm panicking.

Do you know what I mean?

I made an eye patch that I wore

at my house, you know, out of,

you know, paper towel and

masking tape.

I wore it around my house, you

know.

My friends were, like, "Just go

to the doctor, Debra, just

please."

So I go to the ophthalmologist.

All right, that's what it is.

I looked it up.

So I go to this doctor, all

right, and I go in.

I pay, like, $85, and all she

says to me is, "You're tired and

kind of weird.

Could you leave my office?"

That's about...

Now here's the thing.

I should tell you this, though.

Don't go to the eye doctor high.

Don't go stoned to the eye

doctor.

Bad idea.

I was scared, so I had that

moment.

I was, like, "Should I smoke

this fatty before I go?

Yes, I should!"

And then here's the thing,

everyone.

I don't know if you know this,

but the eye doctor... they spend

the entire appointment looking

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