Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #3

into your eyes.

Are you aware of that?

The whole time.

She was asking me questions I

couldn't answer.

Do you know?

She's, like, "Are you aware that

only have pupil?

There's no iris at all."

I'm, like, "Is that a problem,

Officer?

I...

What? I..."

She was... She wanted me to read

the eye chart.

She's, like, "Can you see the

E?"

And I'm, like, "Look it.

I'm not on E. What the f***!"

And then I left. I...

I danced out of that office, but

you know, I had to go 'cause

there were spiders on me.

You know how it is.

Um, so that's one thing...

I need a hobby.

I couple other things, too.

This is a big one, you know.

I've decided...

You know, as I get older, I've

decided that I need to start

sexually fantasizing within my

own age group.

Do you know what I mean?

I got to take it up a couple

years.

Just a couple years.

Seriously, no more Hanson and

Harry Potter.

I have to let it go.

(laughter, light applause)

Is that just me?

Seriously, Harry Potter?

No one else? Come on!

Are you kidding? Harry Potter?

Whoa. He could potter my Harry.

Uh... Oh!

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means.

I just...

It sounds like fun.

Oh.

(laughter)

But it's trouble.

I'm gonna tell you this.

Like, I... There's this term.

Have you heard of this?

Cougar? Do you know what a

cougar is?

(audience whooping)

Yeah! All right!

And I'll see you after the show.

Um...

(laughter)

I can't, I want to be a cougar.

Like, I can't wait to be a

cougar.

I'm, like, how old do you have

to be to be a cougar?

Is there a test that I have to

take to become a cougar?

'Cause if there is a cougar

test, I hope there's no running.

Jesus Christ, I f***ing...

(laughter)

If I show up for my cougar test,

and there's, like, an obstacle

course, I'm done.

That's it. I'm out.

Tell the world my story.

Go on without me.

Thank you very much.

It's too much.

And I said that once on a show.

I was, like, "I want to be a

cougar."

And then there was a cougar in

the crowd, all right?

A woman, not an animal.

Um, but she was wearing

leopard print.

Not the point of the story.

The thing is, she screams out

to me.

She's like, "Hey, Debra, you're

doing it wrong, Debra.

You don't chase the young men,

you trap them," that's what

she said.

And I'm like, "That's a weird

thing to say."

Isn't that the strangest thing?

But then I thought about it.

I went back to my hotel room and

I was like, what would a cougar

trap look like, you know what

I mean? What would that...?

So I got a little piece of paper

and a pen and stuff; started

making some sketches, you know

what I mean?

And I got a protractor out of my

purse.

I don't know why I had it in

my purse, I really don't.

Normally I use it for stabbing.

Today, circles, boom, this is

it, yeah.

And I started thinking, I think

what if I like, what if I dug a

hole... like a deep, big, wide

hole, you know what I mean, and

then I covered it up with leaves

and branches and stuff.

Some foliage, you know what I

mean, to disguise it.

Used a skateboard as a lure.

Put a little Pizza Pop on the

end or something... (screams)

See what I get... yeah!

A little baseball cap goes up...

I'm like, "I got one!"

Ah! Yeah!

But that's not going to happen,

'cause I don't f***in' shovel.

I don't shovel, are you kidding?

Effort... no thank you.

But here's something.

Now this is, I got to tell you,

this is my favorite cougar

story.

I'm not proud, but I'm going to

tell it to you, all right?

I work on a show in Canada,

where I'm from, a music show,

all right?

And every year they have, like,

this big video awards party,

okay?

And I go this past summer, and I

am, you know, standing in the

hall, at the party, just up

against the wall shivering, you

know, waiting for shrimp...

that's what I do.

A lot of fun.

And Justin Bieber is there, he's

at the party.

And so all of his people come

out and they're like, "Clear

the hall."

You know, Bieber's coming,

"Clear the hall."

I don't move, 'cause I'm like,

"You know what, Bieber, go

around, man, go around," all

right?

Whatever, all right?

So he comes out, he comes out,

walks past me.

We make eye contact and I give

him one of these, I'm like this.

Hmm, whatever.

But then he stops, okay?

Turns around, comes back, leans

in and says, "Hey, Debra..."

That's my name by the way...

Debra.

Justin... Justin Bieber knows my

name.

Leans in and says, "Hey, Debra,

I love you on that show," okay?

He's 16, I'm 39.

This is my answer.

(hysterical laughter)

Yeah, yeah, they dragged me out

of the party.

They dragged me out of the

party.

That's okay, 'cause my purse was

full of shrimp, so I was ready

to go.

I was ready to go.

Okay, so another one of the

decisions I've decided to make

in my life... one of the changes

I've decided to make, is that

this is the year I'm getting

into shape.

Seriously.

Or soon. Not yet, but soon.

I'm working, I'm working

towards...

And you know, honestly, there's

a lot of reasons for getting

into shape.

Like, seriously, I don't think

you should just stand and sweat.

I'm pretty sure... I think this

might be wrong.

Is there a doctor in the house?

That can't be right, everybody.

But a lot of reasons.

You see, 'cause honestly I can't

compete with the girls.

In, like, summertime, I stay

home in the summer, that is it.

Thin girls, you get the summer,

that's yours.

Live it up for four months, have

fun, all right?

'Cause I see you out there in

your little tops, your little

half shirts, I get it.

Go out there, get out there,

metabolize or whatever it is

you do.

I'm not a scientist.

But go, I love it, I see you.

See, I wait until, like, the

winter.

You know, the minute it gets

cold, I make my move, that's

what I do.

Put a little cardigan on, boom,

I'm out the door, do you

understand what I'm saying?

And this is it, I get it.

Because at that point, when it

gets cold, the thin girls, you

know, you got to put your shirts

back on.

And then what are you going

to do?

Talk?

Um, anyway...

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Okay, I should have told you,

I'm a bit biased.

I should have mentioned off the

top...

I do have a disclaimer for my

show that I should have

mentioned.

The fact that I'm a big woman,

has not affected my ability to

judge other people.

It hasn't at all, at all!

Let's judge, let's judge,

shall we?

But, no, actually, to be honest

with you, I did lose a little

bit of weight recently.

But then I found it again.

What the f***, seriously?

It was in the fridge.

Who puts it there?

Every time I...

Son of a b*tch!

There it is... Oh!

I live alone, I don't know how

that happens.

But the one thing... you know,

you always have one of those

moments, like a moment of

clarity where you realize

no, this is it, this is it.

Time to get into shape.

I did a show, a corporate show,

all right, a couple months ago.

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