Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #4

And I didn't know who the

company was.

I just show up, you know, to do

my business.

And I realize that everyone is

really casual.

They're all, like, in workout

wear... sweatpants and stuff.

I'm like, uh-oh, what's

going on?

So I find out that me, this

woman you see standing before

you, I'm performing for the

people of a fitness club.

Yeah, me.

I had a moment where I was like,

is this an intervention?

Seriously, is this...?

(laughter)

Are my parents here?

Oh, my God, seriously?!

Lovely people, very good people.

They wouldn't give me my check

until I did two laps, but

whatever, that's why...

And they're nice.

They gave me a free membership

to their club, you know what

I mean?

I'm like, that's very nice.

So I go to join up at this

little fitness place.

So I go in and I, I just want to

say hi and look around, you

know, get my little card

and stuff.

But the first thing they do at

this gym is I walk in and they

give me a body fat test, the

first thing they do.

Which is not the greatest way to

greet people, do you know what

I'm saying?

That's not really...

And it's not fair either,

because I didn't get a chance to

study or prepare for my body

fat test... not fair.

But don't worry, everyone, I

still passed.

But this is something you should

know.

50% on a body fat test is not...

not a good score.

That's not a good score.

You know, I was like, oh, I

don't have to rate the exam.

No, everybody.

At 50% body fat, seriously, I

think that makes me cream.

I think that technically makes

me cream, doesn't it?

I'm dying alone, but I'm

delicious with coffee.

Shut your face.

Seriously? Seriously?

Yeah, just looking for my

Coffee-mate.

(laughter)

I'm so lonely.

Anyway...

back to happy.

No, God bless.

No, this one, they also, they

gave me a personal trainer.

I had to carry her around, it

was so strange.

Fabulous little human person.

And she's very small... like this

little, tiny thing there.

And she's screaming at me all

the time.

I'm, like, really?

I could kill you with one hand,

little girl.

Keep talking... So small.

Like, there are those moments

sometimes, and I look at her and

I think, "How are we the same

species," do you know what I

mean?

We're both girls.

I have no idea how her body

works, I have no idea.

Her hips are that wide.

Do you see this over there?

And I know this for sure,

because I measured her.

You know, she was too weak to

get away.

So hungry, poor thing.

She kept trying.

I kept pulling her back.

It was fun.

But this is my question for the

world and Earth and science.

If your hips are this narrow,

how do you have internal organs?

Seriously, what is going on

inside your body?

Are they stacked up like

pancakes?

What is happening in there?

Oh, pancakes.

(laughter)

Um, okay, no.

Now is the time for focus.

Pancakes later.

But anyway... now this-this

little girl, she sends me to my

doctor because, I don't know if

you guys have heard of this

before, but there's this new way

to lose weight.

It's called eating less and

exercising.

Have you heard about that?

Huh? Sounds like bullshit

to me, it really does.

I need more proof, you know.

So I go in to this doctor, and

God bless, I've known my doctor

forever, all right?

Like, I've been her patient for

15 years.

So we're pretty comfortable now.

I can ask her anything,

you know?

And every year she wants to talk

about the weight loss, and she's

trying to keep me motivated, God

bless.

She says to me, "Debra, you know

what you need?

You need, like, a mantra that

you tell yourself."

So she says to me, "Live like

you're dying tomorrow."

Now that's a beautiful

sentiment... live like there's

one day left on Earth... it's

beautiful.

But you can't say that to a big

woman on a diet.

Do you understand what I'm

saying?

(laughter)

Because if I am dying tomorrow,

who give a f*** about tonight?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

Really?

(applause)

If I am dying tomorrow, tonight

it's going to be KFC skin

with icing.

Shut up, shut up.

Everything with icing,

everything.

Have you tried it... Kentucky

frosted chicken?

It is delicious.

Have you tried it?

That is also my idea.

Call me if you see that on the

menu.

But anyway, still, all right?

Another thing... my doctor's

trying to give me, um, good ways

to lose weight.

She tells me I should eat

organically, all right?

So I go home... I don't know

what that means.

So I go home and I look it up, I

Google that.

And then when I was on line, I

found a way better way to lose

weight, okay?

I did.

So now I'm just crossing my

fingers and, like, hoping that I

could get, like, a parasite.

Are you kidding?

Like, a tapeworm? Shut up!

Oh, my God, it's like a

metabolism buddy.

Are you kidding me?

Seriously, you just sit there,

they do all the work.

I'm not joking.

My friend, I have a friend who's

a nurse, and she went to Africa

to do some nursing.

When she was in Africa, she

got a parasite.

And now she can eat whatever

she wants.

Like, whatever she wants, okay?

Okay, she's gone now, but f***,

she looked good.

Uh, no, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I don't hang out with fit girls.

Anyway... What?

Now another one, too.

I've also done all the

stupid diets.

I'm that jerk.

You know, you hear the things on

the radio, that they're like,

"Lose 30 pounds in 20 minutes."

So, I'm, like, "That

sounds safe."

What's that?" I'm a jerk.

I'm a jerk, all right?

The last diet I did was

the cabbage soup diet.

Has anyone done that before?

Oh! Okay, this is the diet they

give you before you're gonna

have surgery, all right?

So the hospital, all you eat is

cabbage soup.

Now I don't know if you know

what just eating cabbage does

to your intestinal system.

(chuckles) Here's the thing,

all right?

I'm serious. You lose a lot

of weight, but you also lose

all your f***ing friends.

Do you understand what

I'm saying?

Seriously, they're, like, "You

look good, Debra, from

far... farther!"

I'm serious.

It is, it is trouble.

Like, I'm not joking.

My stomach would make noises

in the middle of the night

that I didn't know was

humanly possible.

I had no idea.

I'm, like, "Is that my stomach

or is a raccoon killing my cat

in the hall?"

What? You know?

I'm not getting up,

I'm not getting up.

Seriously, fight for mama.

F*** cats, seriously.

He's had it good.

"Earn your rent" is what

I'm saying to the cat.

God bless.

So, you know, fine.

So my doctor, again,

trying to be helpful.

And now she's doing my, uh,

the physical, right?

So I had the physical

appointment, fantastic.

She's writing stuff on my chart.

And I want to know what she's

writing down.

I'm very inquisitive.

So, I'm, like, "What do you

got there?"

She says to me, "Well, Debra,

there's something you should

know at your age.

Your uterus, Debra, has a very

long neck."

That's what she said to me.

And I was, like, "Well,

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