Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #5

(chuckles) thank you

for noticing.

My uterus has a long neck? What?

And then she wrote me a

prescription, you know,

for black guys.

So I was, like, "Okay..."

Now look... Hey!

That is doctor's orders.

That is doctor's orders,

everybody!

I'm just trying to be healthy.

Are you kidding me?

So I'm gonna need to see

a Jamal after the show or, like,

a Dexter... yep, serious.

I haven't had my dose for the

day, so we're gonna have to...

I'm supposed to take it

with food, so let's get pizza.

That's the message.

That's the message.

Oh, yeah, you're drunk.

You're drunk.

And that's how I like it.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm swearin' to God.

I swear to God.

Just enough so they can't get

away, do you know what I mean?

Just enough is what I'm saying.

God bless. God bless.

I will tell you this.

It's very hard, it's really hard

to shop, you know what I mean?

Like, this is one of the

problems about being my size.

It's hard to shop, you know

what I mean?

I'm looking around.

You're a good-looking crowd.

Don't know if you know this,

but all clothing for big women...

I don't know if you know this...

for some reason is decorated

with balloons and puppies.

Do you see what I'm saying?

That's your punishment for

eating ice cream, do you

see that?

They're, like, "Yeah, have fun.

You can live in 1987

every day.

Have fun!" It's a little mean.

And there's a lot of bedazzling

going on.

There's a lot of sequins in

my stores.

I'm, like, "Really?

Do you think I need sequins?

You can't see me coming?

Seriously?" F***, come on!

Come on, everybody!

I'm overweight, I'm not a

country singer.

Calm down. What the f***?

Seriously, it's creepy.

And I got to tell you, too,

this is another one.

Um, the lingerie, oh, God.

And you always hear that

women always want to have

bigger b*obs.

Okay, seriously, girls?

Stick with the little tiny bras

that you get to wear, honestly.

Right? It's, like, what are

they made of, Kleenex?

You wear 'em once,

throw 'em away?

Do you know what I mean?

Honestly, I'm telling you at my

size, my bras, at this point,

are pretty much vests of beige

metal at this point.

Do you understand?

Serious, it's a contraption.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

It takes two people to get it

on, which is awkward 'cause I

live alone, so that's weird.

That's weird.

Although it's a nice way to meet

the neighbors, I'll tell you

that much.

"Debra from upstairs."

I have to move.

Um, but it's upsetting.

And then you go into, and you

have to have a bra fitting done,

according to Oprah.

And she doesn't lie.

So I... Have you ever had

a bra fitting?

This is what it is if you

haven't done it before, ladies.

You go into a bra shop, right?

And there's usually a little

European woman waiting for you.

God bless.

And she takes you behind a

curtain, takes your shirt off,

and then she gropes you.

And that's the whole

appointment.

There it is right there.

That's it.

So now I go in every Thursday

around 2:
30.

Every Thursday around 2:30.

Unless I have lunch plans.

So I go in, I have this bra

fitting done, right, and the

women tells me that my real bra

size is G42.

Is that a bra or is that

f***in' bingo?

Which is it? Seriously.

What do I get for four quarters?

It's weird, all right?

G42... I'm, like, "I think I just

sunk your battleship.

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go."

That is strange stuff.

And I also, too, seriously,

at this size, I get weird guys

hitting on me.

I really do. I get weirdos.

I think that weirdos think

they have a chance with me.

And here's my message to the

weirdos:
you don't, okay?

You really don't.

I might hate myself, but I

f***in' hate you more.

Yes, I do, weirdos!

Seriously, sometimes the dudes...

Oh, my God, I had a man come up

to me after a show.

You can't even make this up,

all right?

I'm just standing around

in my business, staring,

you know?

He comes up to me.

He sidled up to me.

I'm pretty sure it was a sidle.

So he comes up to me.

And I see it.

He's been working on a line.

You know, his moment that

he's gonna come up?

Leans into me and says, "So,

I don't have a problem with

big women."

That was his line of seduction.

"I don't have a problem

with big women"?

I'm, like, "Really?

'Cause you're gonna. Yeah, yeah.

I would run if I were you,

little man!"

Are you kidding? Strange stuff.

And I also, too, I get

older men.

But when I say "older," like, I

mean above the age of 85, you

know what I mean?

Those are my men.

Any man that's been in a world

war likes me.

Do you understand?

'Cause those are the old dudes

that look at me and think, "She

would survive a depression."

You know, they come at me.

I'm good stock, I'm good stock.

I'm hardy is what I'm saying.

But I'm gonna make it through

the winter, and you should see

what I can do with a potato.

Uh, I don't know

what that means.

I'll figure that out later.

I don't know what that means.

You made that dirtier than

it needed to be.

All right! But I also get the

European guys.

I get Italian men, too.

Because I'm Italian, and God

bless the Italian men.

They can spot an Italian woman

from a hundred paces.

Am I right? God bless.

And you know, sometimes I'm just

walking down the street minding

my business, and a little

Italian man will come out of his

house, you know, just wearing an

undershirt and pants pulled up

to here.

Back off, ladies, he's mine.

Jealous? But this is my favorite

thing about the old Italian

dudes is they have the most

original way of trying to get

a woman's attention.

You're just walking down the

street, and they give you

one of these... (kissing sound)

Excuse me?

"I'm trying to call you over."

I'm, like, "What?"

The problem is I always go

'cause I think they

have treats.

Damn it! Every time they get me!

Oh! I'm telling you.

But there's also another

group of women, excuse me,

another group of gentlemen that

like big women, right?

It's like a fetish.

Have you ever heard of this?

It's called "chubby chasers."

Have you ever heard about that?

Chubby chasers, seriously?

That is totally wrong.

Please, are you kidding?

'Cause I mean, please,

we don't run.

Anyway, we don't run. Serious.

You bend your knees, I'm yours!

That's it. That's how that works

right there.

I also get the weird ones, too,

that want to take you home and

make you wear a little tiny

cowboy hat and ride a trike.

Do you know what I mean?

I've seen the Web sites,

weirdos.

That's your... Don't look it up.

You'll never sleep again.

Uh, but, I do, I get

the weirdos.

It's not just me, I think.

This is, like, the exact

opposite of what I like is

what likes me, you know?

That's the world, right?

That's just the way it goes.

Like, I have this thing for

thin men.

Oh, my God, thin dudes?

I think there's something about

a guy that looks like he needs

a good meal.

Oh, whoo-hoo-hoo!

Send him over.

I accept the challenge! Yah!

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