Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #6

I love it. I love it.

And my friends are always, like,

"What is it with you and

thin guys?"

I realized it. I figured it out.

A thin man, let's be honest,

they are so easy to overcome.

Are you kidding me?

"Kiss me! Ooh!"

They only struggle for

a couple seconds.

Are you kidding me?

And it's cardio if you get

your knees up.

Remember that. It's very nice.

But basically, so I told you I

like guys that look like Jesus

and I like thin guys.

So, basically, a little scruffy,

a little thin.

I'm attracted to homeless men.

I really am. I am.

It's a problem, I'm not

gonna lie to you.

There's always that moment where

I'm, like, "Who is that?

(chuckles) Oh, sh*t, no shoes.

Keep moving!" (screams)

Although I do love a project,

though.

Are you kidding me?

I love a fixer-upper.

Super fun. Just take him home,

brush his hair.

Ooh! "Later, we're gonna

have a bath!" (squeals)

A hose in the backyard.

A hose in the backyard.

It's fun. Do you see?

And now, I mean, I don't really

need to tell you this:

I'm single.

Really? I'm covered with

cat hair.

You do the math.

Really? Single? But...

It doesn't bother me that

I'm single. I'm very busy.

I have a very full life.

Am I crying? Okay, I'm not.

Anyway, no, I'm good.

But it doesn't bother me.

I'm good.

The only thing that bothers

is my mom, do you know

what I mean?

My mom, my old aunts.

'Cause they just want you

to be safe.

They want you to be happy,

you know?

So I feel like at my age,

you just have to have an

answer, right?

Your stock answer that you

give people.

So you go home, you see

your family.

My aunts are, "Debra, don't you

want to meet somebody?"

So I just look them in the face

and I say, "Hey, have you

tried Nutella?

Have you tried Nutella?

That chocolate hazelnut spread?"

Are you kidding me?

Who needs a boyfriend

when there's Nutella?

Are you joking? Oh, my God!

A jar of Nutella, a loaf of

white bread, box of wine?

F***, that's a weekend.

Are you kidding me?

That's a good time.

And I don't want to get you

crazy, but if you put the

Nutella into the microwave

and heat it up, you can

drink it with a straw.

With a straw! No dishes!

That's a, that's a good idea.

You can write that down.

I'm serious. That's nice.

It's nice.

But it's weird, too, because

you know, I used to be

a lot of fun.

As I get older, I've changed

quite a bit, you know?

Like, I'm telling you, I was

wild when I was young.

Like, I had a threesome when I

was in high school.

Okay, actually, it was a couple

making out, and I was guarding

the door.

"Keep going!"

It looked like fun.

It looked like fun.

But the thing is things

really change, you know?

And now I've gotten to the point

now where every one of my

family is, everyone is hooked

up, everyone's married.

My little brother just got

married.

He's the second-last person

in our entire family.

I'll give you a moment to think

who the last person is.

But anyway, but my brother,

I love my brother.

I love his wife. She's awesome.

He married an Asian girl.

And the reason I'm telling you

that is because my mother and

family are small-town

people, okay?

They are not racist... they are

small-town people.

Big difference, all right?

Big diff...

My mother... I don't think she's

ever seen as Asian person

up close, do you understand?

So she panicked a little bit.

She didn't know what to do.

She finds out, she's like,

"She's Asian.

What do we do?"

I'm like, "What do you mean,

Mom?"

She's like, "Do I have to bow?"

I'm like, "No, calm down, Mom.

You're fine, do you know what I

mean?"

She's like, "Should I learn how

to do that or-i-gami?"

I'm like, "Again, a nice idea.

Not necessary," you know.

She's like, "Okay, one more

question.

If they have a baby and it's a

girl, do we have to kill it?"

I'm like, "No. I don't know,

Mom, I don't know."

Look, that's not me.

Call Korea.

I didn't make that up, everyone.

I just pass on the information.

God bless.

But now, I bought it because a

lot of my friends are hooked up.

They come to me a lot of the

times for, you know, like,

advice on the relationship.

And it's very strange, 'cause,

you know, I've been a while,

you know, single.

So, I'm like, all right, you

ask me, I'm gonna tell you,

that's how that works.

So one of my pals, God bless,

she comes to me and she's in a

relationship that is clearly

over, but she's hanging on, you

know what I mean?

Did you ever have one of those

friends?

It's like, it's been three

months.

It's just over, but she won't

let it go, okay?

So she's trying to do all these

things to keep it, you know,

exciting.

She's just hanging on.

So she's telling me, she's like,

"I'm thinking that I'm going to

do, like, a sexy striptease."

I'm like, "Okay, yeah."

Okay, if you're already doing a

striptease at three months,

seriously, that's pretty much

the please-don't-dump-me dance,

isn't it?

Have you done that, ladies?

You're like... (sobbing)

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Right?

I don't want to be alone.

I'm serious, the things we do to

keep a man.

Oh, my therapist says one day

I'll be ready to talk about it.

This is something about me that

I realized as you get older,

there's, you know, things that

you know.

I'm not... I'm not a great

girlfriend.

I'm an even worse ex-girlfriend.

You know, I am one of those

girls, seriously, there are men

in the town that I'm from, when

they see me, they're like, "Oh,

f***, there she is."

And they run, they run.

But that's the way I like it, I

gotta tell you.

So if you don't want to be my

boyfriend anymore, you can, uh,

die now, I guess.

Thank you.

We don't need you.

Good-bye.

Right?

And this is another thing, too,

that I know.

I hate to be hung up on.

Do not hang up the phone on me.

Oh, my God.

You hang up the phone, I'm

coming to your house.

That's what happens right there.

You hang up the phone, and now

I'm at your house.

Yeah, with a knife in the middle

of the night, do you understand

what I'm saying?

"I had some things to say.

Do you understand?"

It's not good.

Another thing... I realized this.

This is another one.

This is a note for the men... you

should take this down.

If you want to make a woman

angry, here's something to do.

Tell her to relax.

(laughter)

Are you kidding me?

You tell a woman to take it

easy... holy f***, are you

joking?

I'm gonna flip a f***ing table.

I'm going to lose... (yelling)

I go crazy, right?

Worst thing in the

world to say.

I'd say... you realize this...

and I find this, too... another

thing that I hate... oh!

I hate people that don't hate

people. Don't you...?

(laughter)

Don't you hate those people?

They're like, "I love everyone."

What's wrong? You slow?

What's wrong with you?

Seriously?

Grow up and hate somebody.

Grow up and hate somebody,

Gandhi.

Anyway, seriously?

Another thing... this is a

helpful hint.

Do you hate somebody at the

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