Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #7

office?

You have to go to work tomorrow.

Do you hate someone at the

office?

(audience cheering)

Right?

Girls always do.

Girls always do.

If you don't have someone, find

someone to hate at the office.

I'm serious.

It passes time like nothing

else.

Are you kidding me?

You're sitting there at your

desk scratching your back

with a pen.

I don't know what you do.

You're very busy.

But she... that one girl walks by

and you're like, "Look at that

stupid b*tch.

F***, is it 4:
00? Is it 4:00?!

Oh, my God!"

The day is done, do you see what

I'm saying?

Another cup of coffee, photocopy

your ass, you're done.

That's it, everyone.

These are good tips.

These are good tips from me to

you.

Another thing... 'cause I don't

have a day job... you know,

comedy... it's mostly at night.

You know, I'm at home all day

long.

And you always think to

yourself, you know, without a

day job, you're like, I'm going

to get so much done.

I'm going to read the newspaper,

I'm going to keep my house

clean.

But all you really do is get

high and watch television.

That... It's not a rule, but

it is a strongly enforced

guideline.

All right, everybody? All right?

Who am I to argue.

But I do, I watch TV.

Although I do find that I watch

weird stuff now.

Like, I watch a lot of shows

about crime.

Anybody else watch a lot of...?

(cheering)

There's a lot of shows about

murder, right?

It's like there's a lot of shows

about, you know, people killing

each other and doing terrible

stuff.

And then I watch this.

Like, I'll do one of those

marathons of just crime shows.

And then I'm scared to death in

my little apartment by myself,

you know what I mean?

The other day I watched, like,

ten of these episodes.

And then I was so scared, that I

had to sleep with a knife under

my bed, okay?

Actually, it was a fork and

knife... I forgot to put it away.

But the thing is...

(laughter)

...I'm ready, I'm ready if

something happens, you know what

I mean?

I'm ready to go.

I also, too...

I love... sometimes I like

commercials.

There's some commercials that

are pretty good.

Do you know that Axe Cologne?

Do you know that one?

Has anyone smelled that cologne

before?

I assume it's made of, like,

chloroform and Rohypnol.

I'm assuming.

I don't know.

Some of the ads are pretty good,

you know.

There's a new one, a new cologne

brand, all right?

And apparently while you're

wearing it, it changes its

scent... whatever.

And the commercial for this is,

a boy and a girl are on a date,

and the guy during the date,

changes his outfit three times,

okay?

And the copy for the commercial

is this:

"Axe Cologne changes scent

because women bore easily."

That... Does that enrage anybody

else?

Are you kidding me?

Women bore easily?

What the...

That makes me so angr...

Oh, who cares.

(laughter)

I just got bored, you see...?

They're scientists at Axe.

They know me better than I know

myself, do you know what I mean?

I also watch game shows quite

a bit.

I enjoy game shows.

I love watching people win... it

makes me very excited.

But I hate it when they have to

win, like when you win a ski

trip.

I don't want to win a ski trip.

Are you kidding?

That's like winning cold

exercise.

What the f*** is that about?

(laughter)

Seriously?

Or you can do, like, push-ups in

the freezer.

What the f***?!

I don't want to win that.

No good, all right.

But I do, I also watch a lot of

shows about ghosts.

Do you ever watch any of those

shows?

It's so stupid.

They don't prove anything on

those shows, right?

They're like, "Oh, there's a

ghost in the house."

But all they do is wear those

night-vision goggles, right?

So everything's green.

That's it.

And then, like, one of the guys

goes, "I'm cold."

That's the whole thing.

That's the whole thing.

That proves there's a ghost?

I need more proof than that.

Are you kidding?

That's like when a cop walks in

and says, "I smell pot."

Prove it in court, a**hole.

Prove it in court.

You can't prove a smell.

Right? You can't prove a smell,

right, guys?

(laughter)

Okay, just checking, just

checking. Whatever.

I do... sometimes I watch

educational things.

Not much, but sometimes I do,

all right?

And I watch this, you know,

again, one of these shows

about ghosts.

And I saw this one woman was

being interviewed by these ghost

people, and she was saying that,

she claimed, very seriously,

that one night she was alone in

her house, trying to go to bed,

and that a ghost came to her in

her sleep, and she said that

they had sexual relations.

This woman said this.

She said... yeah, she said she

had sex with a ghost.

She said it wasn't upsetting.

She said it was quite nice.

And I was watching this,

thinking to myself, if that is

true, I'm going to go to bed

earlier.

Are you kidding me? I am.

I'm serious.

(applause)

I'm gonna clean it up.

I'm gonna shave my legs, take

out the mouth guard, let's do

this, Casper.

Time to get friendly.

Are you kidding? Please.

Very busy, very busy.

And then sometimes I watch this,

um, I watched this public

service announcement the other

day, with that little Jonas

Brother... that little Nick

Jonas.

Oh, he's totally adorable.

And I was watching...

He has diabetes, I don't know if

you know this.

I know, he's such a survivor.

He's so strong that one.

Ah, God.

So I'm watching... I'm watching

this little public service.

And you know, Nick Jonas is all

like, "Hey, I'm totally cute.

Don't get diabetes."

And that's the whole thing,

right?

And I was watching at home

going, oh, my God, he is cute.

He was so cute that I had a

moment where I was like, I wish

I had diabetes.

And then I thought about it... I

probably do have diabetes, are

you kidding me?

I can't feel my left foot.

I can't feel it.

That can't be right.

But anyway... love this.

Now this is usually at the point

of the show where you all start

looking at me thinking, "This

woman has a cat.

This woman has a cat."

And you'd be right, I do have

a cat.

I don't want to start anything,

but my cat's better than

your cat.

I don't want to start a fight, I

don't want to start a fight, but

it's true.

And, you know, my cat... we've

been together for 16 years.

Shut up.

Best relationship I've ever had.

Are you kidding?

The romance is still very

strong.

Shut up.

But here's the thing about my

cat... you know, this happens

every once in a while.

He loves me so much that he

sometimes he stares at me with

that look of love that's like

almost creepy.

Do you ever...?

Like, if he was a man, I would

be terrified of him, do you know

what I mean?

Like, seriously, you know,

you ever been with a guy that's

like, "I love you so much."

Have you ever been on a date

with a guy and he likes you too

much, so you get your phone

out... you just hit 9-1... and

then just leave it?

Do you ever do that?

(laughter)

You got to be ready.

You got to be ready at all

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes