Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #8

times, guys.

You know what I mean?

But sometimes, oh, my God, like,

if I'm not, if I don't have a

show on a Saturday night, me and

my cat will have our backup

Saturday night plans, you know?

So I'll make a meal and then

I'll rent a movie for the two of

us.

And then sometimes... sometime

after dinner and the movie,

he'll always like, "Mama, do

you want to get high?"

And I'm like, "F*** yeah, let's

get high, baby.

All right, whatever."

And sometimes, you know, we'll

smoke a little joint and then

after that he's always like,

"Mama, do you want to have a

snack?"

I'm like, "F***, yeah, let's

have a snack. Why not?

Look at us, livin' the dream."

So here's the thing, I don't

know if you know this, but cats

and dogs...

One of my best friends is a

vet, and cats and dogs love

peanut butter, they love peanut

butter.

You give them like like a little

chew toy, put some peanut butter

in it, like a carrot or a

celery, they go crazy.

They're happy for hours, are you

kidding?

But this is my favorite part.

Is that if you give them peanut

butter, then it makes them do

that licking thing that makes

them look like they're talking.

Look at that.

And it's almost like I have a

boyfriend.

Did you see that?

He is a good kisser.

He is a good kisser.

No, he's not.

I can't catch him.

He is too fast, he is too fast.

I try though, I do.

For cardio.

Anyway, uh, but this is another

thing.

My cat sleeps on my bed every

night of my life.

I can't even stop it.

I don't even try, do you know

what I mean?

I just let him in.

But it's changed over the years.

Like at the beginning of our

life together, he used to sleep

at the foot of the bed.

Because, you know, we're just

getting to know each other.

You know, still kind of shy,

right?

Ten years together, he moves up

to, like, hip level.

'Cause now we're good, we're

comfortable.

Now 16 years together, I rolled

over in the middle of the night,

and he was on the pillow, okay?

But not just on the pillow.

His head was on the pillow, and

his body was in the bed.

Ooh, like a man, like a man

beside me, are you kidding?

Spooning me? Are you joking?

Oh-ho-ho. Now I'm just waiting

for him to give me a

reach-around, do you know

what I mean?

I'm, like, "Oh, yeah.

Leg over? Yeah."

So I stopped wearing pajamas.

And, uh... no...

He's soft under his neck.

You don't know.

Um... (chuckles)

You know, I think we all go

through a phase in our life of

having a roommate, right?

I had a roommate for years

and years.

But it's wonderful.

You know, it's nice to live

by yourself.

Everything's yours, and privacy

and stuff.

But the one thing about the

roommate that I miss is when you

have someone coming home,

you can't go totally crazy.

Do you know what I mean?

Someone's coming home, you

gotta be normal, you know?

You hear the keys in the door,

and you're, like, "Oh, sh*t,

she's home.

Okay, quickly, quickly

be normal.

Hide the puppets!

Oh, God! (Shrieks)

Take the dress off the cat!

Oh, God! You know what I mean?

Hide the fake life-size

papier-mch boyfriend under

the bed quick, quick!

Because we were fighting and

he has got to f***in' learn.

So that's...

It's okay. He'll be fine.

He'll be fine.

But there's a couple things that

I do now by myself that I do to

try to keep it exciting

at the house.

You gotta do that, you know,

to keep it fun.

So what I do is I serve all

drinks at my home, all beverages

at my home out of a

martini glass.

Try it. It makes you feel like

you're at a party at all times.

Are you kidding me?

Everything is fun out of a

martini glass:
milk, uh, V-8,

uh, Metamucil.

It doesn't matter.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah! You know?

People come over to my house,

and they're, like, "Are we

having strawberry daiquiris?"

I'm, like, no, it's

Pepto-Bismol.

Let's do this! Yes!

Why are you leaving?

Anyway, but still...

Now, my friends...

Okay, and again, because I'm at

home, I'm sitting there all

day... the computer is sitting,

staring at me.

And I don't know if this is

just me, but I've finished

the Internet.

I'm done.

I finished the Internet.

Anybody else?

I have nothing else to look up.

I'm serious.

I am done, Internet.

Now it's just, like, cat

Web sites, you know what I mean?

A musical montage of, like,

Justin Bieber, you know.

And then I usually masturbate,

cry, call it a day.

Are you with me?

Good work today, Debra.

I like your style.

Punch the card. Nice work.

But it's just computer's

sitting there.

So my friends think I should

date on line, right?

And that, it's normal now.

It's not just for weirdos in the

basement breathing through

their mouth.

Do you know what I mean?

It's normal people now.

Apparently, the new statistic is

one of out five relationships

will get together on line.

Fantastic. So I go to a couple

of those Web sites, you know

what I mean?

Like match.com or whatever.

And you got to fill out that bio

of who you are,

30 words or less.

You know what I mean?

But it's all lies 'cause you

want to sound exciting

and good, right?

So the first thing they do is

they ask you to list

your hobbies.

And as I mentioned, I have

no hobbies.

So I lied and I said that my

hobbies were running and

playing squash.

It's more like running

to get more squash.

What the f***? Seriously?

For carbs, I'll knock you down.

Get out of my way.

It's all lies, all right?

And even the one question that

you think you know the answer

to, the sexual orientation

question?

Do you remember when

it was easy?

Do you remember when there was

just two options for sexual

orientation?

Now, in the year 2011, there's

like, 17 different options now.

Seriously.

There's one where you

can just be gay on Tuesdays

if you want... I'm serious.

Super fun. Super fun.

But there's also...

It's not so new.

The "metrosexual," have you

heard of that?

It's kind of a older term now.

But it's something they coined

years ago for guys that live

in the city, you know,

an urban center.

So they say that men that live

in a urban center, they get

a little feminized by the

culture and the fashion.

So they call that "metrosexual."

I think that's cute.

I'd like to have a new topic,

you know?

Excuse me, a new category for me

and all the girls above 35,

still single.

So with your help, I would like

to be known as a "retrosexual."

Which basically means that I

haven't had sex in 20 years and

I like to do it to '80s music.

Huh? Right?

Yes.

(applause, whooping)

Who's hungry like the wolf? Me!

Oh, f***, seriously?

I'll do the reflex.

Don't make me. I'll do it.

I'll do it right now.

Love is a battlefield.

God bless.

Okay, so dating on line,

here we go.

Um, okay, so a lot of these

little, the little bios, you

know what I mean?

You have to fill out all this

information, and one of the

first things they want you to

put is your age, right?

So the first thing, you think,

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