Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female Page #9

"Great, I know this one."

Age is easy. I can answer that.

But according to my mother,

I'm too old.

She, like, "You cannot put your

honest age on there.

Men don't want to date

old women, all right?"

Now this is my message for the

men, okay?

Seriously, guys, start dating

older girls, okay?

Seriously, honestly.

(scattered whooping)

Yeah, right?

I don't know if you know this,

but once we turn around 35, what

we're looking for in a man

starts to relax a little bit.

Do you know that?

Do you remember being 20?

Do you remember being 20 and

you thought you were gonna meet

your soul mate?

Do you remember?

Oh, yeah, keep waiting.

He's coming. Really, seriously?

Soul mate? So I remember when I

was 20, I used to think to

myself, "When I meet my

soul mate, oh, my God, and when

we kiss, it is gonna be

like fireworks.

We're gonna be together

forever.

That was 20, do you see?

Now at my age, I gotta tell you,

romance is over at my age.

Seriously? At this point I just

want to be pushed over and

f***in' pounded.

That is it. I'm serious.

You don't even have to kiss me.

(audience cheering)

You don't even have to kiss me.

You do not have to kiss me.

I'm serious. I'm not joking.

I don't need your last name.

What am I gonna do, write

you a letter?

People, come on.

Do you understand?

Please, I'm not looking

for a pen pal, do you see

what I'm saying?

I have enough Facebook friends.

Thanks very much, everybody.

Come on.

And you know, a lot of times you

have to put a picture on the

Web site, right?

If you don't put a picture, no

one talks to you.

You have to, right?

And then even when you put a

picture, they want you to put

your body type to describe

your body type in words, okay?

But you can't, like, type

it in yourself.

The Web sites always give you

options, okay?

So once they start describing a

woman with my proportions, the

Web sites start to get a little

stupid, do you know what I mean?

They're trying to make it sound

fun and funny.

So some of my favorites, all

right, they like to call me...

and I'm quoting... they like to

call me "pleasantly plump."

(chuckles) Here's something:

Call me plump, and it will

not be f***ing pleasant, I'll

tell you that much right now.

Another one is "husky," is

another one.

Husky? Are you kidding?

I'm not even totally sure

what husky means, you know

what I mean?

But I am not gonna pull your

sled, no, I'm not.

I'm not, all right?

Yes, I have a harness.

I use it for cardio.

Shut up. I do.

I attach it to the door,

and then I run.

It's very nice.

Very busy. Are you kidding?

And then, of course, you know, I

find this so interesting, too,

because you know, men,

I see girls that you're

going out with.

I see, you know, you're with a

little tiny thin girls.

God bless. Good for you.

But here's something.

If you were dating a thin girl

right now, men, you are not

allowed to complain that women

don't like to give blow jobs.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Seriously, this is secret

information.

It's just thin girls that don't

like to give blow jobs, okay?

I'm sorry. Come on.

Let's be honest.

Thin girls don't like to have

anything in their mouth on

a good day.

Do you know what I'm saying?

They're always full, you know

what I mean?

They're saying, "I just had

a handful of grapes.

I can't. Ew!"

So, basically, what I'm telling

you... if you choose a woman like

me, chances are it's snack time.

Chances are.

Do you understand what

I'm saying?

(applause, whooping, cheering)

Starting to look pretty good,

huh?

Starting to look pretty good.

Hello!

I'm on the Weight Watchers, but

I've finished my points for the

day, do you know what I mean?

I still feel like something.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

To be honest, I never know, I

never understand the draw of a

really thin woman.

Do you know what I mean?

Like the really skinny women?

You know what I mean?

I don't get... how is that fun

to sleep with?

A really thin woman, all sharp

and angry.

(whines) You know what I mean?

It's like, you know, I always

picture, like a really thin

woman as all, like, in bed.

She's all, like, "Oh, you're on

my hair, (whines) my ribcage.

I can't breathe."

I mean is that, is that fun?

I don't understand.

I mean, I think sleeping, I

think sleeping with a really

thin woman is like sleeping

without any pillows, do you know

what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

You eventually fall asleep, but

you wake up all f***in' sore.

Do you know what I mean?

You're, like, "My back!

What'd I do last night?"

A thin woman, that's what

you did!

Come on!

Don't get me wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong.

Sleeping with me is like

sleeping with too many pillows,

I'm not gonna lie to ya.

You know what I mean?

In the middle of the night, you

start get hot, throw 'em

off the bed.

Ooh! You know?

I just want the perfect

amount of pillows.

Just the perfect amount of

pillows.

That's what I'm looking for.

God bless.

Oh, here's something else.

When I was watching television,

something that I saw, which I

find very upsetting, in the

Earth, I think it's kinda sad.

Um, you know, there seems to be

a problem with the date rape

drug Rohypnol, right?

Roofies, you know?

Apparently it's pretty

rampant in the college scene

and stuff.

And I think that's very sad.

I was doing a show at a

college a couple months ago, and

I went to the ladies' room.

I usually go to the men's to try

to meet people, but tonight...

boom... ladies' room,

do you know?

And the posters all over

the wall about, you know,

"Guard your drinks."

So I go to the girl, and she

says, "It's really a problem."

Obviously, it's disgusting.

It's immoral, it's illegal,

it's disgusting.

But I think it's sad because

have guys, have you

just given up?

Now you don't even try to charm

women anymore?

Do you remember in the olden

days where you, like, asked

a girl to dance or something?

"Hey, you have pretty hair."

But now it's just right

to the drugs?

Is that what it is right now?

Right to the roofies?

I'm gonna tell you this, guys.

I'm gonna say this.

I just think you need to lower

your standards a little bit.

That's what you need.

Are you kidding?

'Cause I'm gonna tell you this,

nine out of ten times I am more

fun than an unconscious woman.

I gotta tell ya.

I gotta tell ya.

Nine out of ten.

Nine out of ten.

And I know what you're thinking

right now:
"Debra, I

don't think you're gonna

be roofied."

And let's be honest.

'Cause come on.

Who's gonna roofie me?

'Cause I'm not gonna lie to ya.

I am not easy to drag.

I gotta tell ya.

I am not... I am not easy to

drag.

You better have your plans

set up or you're gonna have to

rape me where I land.

'Cause I gotta tell ya, we're

not making it to location

number two.

We're really not.

We're really not, you know?

Now I'll say this, you may not

know it to look at me, but I'm

gonna tell you this, I'm a

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